In the news, archaeologists with nothing better to do have been digging up graves of prehistoric hunter-gatherers in Europe. They say there’s evidence that human sacrifice was common back then. But I looked at the picture they provided and all I saw was evidence that the skeleton on the left was giving the skeleton in the middle a “happy ending.”
Is it my imagination, or is the guy in the middle enjoying having his bone touched? I didn’t realize a skeleton could look so happy. Anyway, the guy on the left, who I call Bruce, is the one I have the most questions about. Was he always gay, or did he just figure there was no harm in experimenting since he was going to be ritually slain in half a minute anyway.
Bruce: Hey, Larry. Can I ask you something?
Larry: Yes, Bruce?
Bruce: Do you mind if I grab your junk right before they kill us?
Larry: Whatever.
The skeleton on the right appears to be a woman who died from some sort of camel toe problem. But that’s another story. I apologize for making you go back and look at that same picture three times. I think you’ll agree it was worth it.
This is another example of why cartoonists are not allowed to practice archaeology. We’re too easily tempted to arrange Upper Paleolithic skeletons in sexual poses and claim we found them that way. Some might call that sort of thing desecration. To them I say, “Too soon?” Because unlike those skeletons, that joke never gets old.
It’s a bit unnerving to know that 27,000 years after I die, some goober can dig me up and start guessing what my life was like. That’s why I want to be buried with a kangaroo, a piano, and a bottle of mustard. I don’t want it to be too easy.
And come to think of it, throw Bruce’s bones in there with me too. He seems like fun.
The link in your article is dead.
Posted by: Chty | June 27, 2007 at 05:22 AM
Well, according to the Bible (old testament), guys grabbed each other's junk all the time when they wanted to swear an unbreakable oath.
Posted by: Comfortably numb | June 18, 2007 at 03:52 AM
it's shitless funny! lol
Posted by: Aaron | June 17, 2007 at 11:38 PM
Yes, we actually do this stuff. Although not so much moving the bones by hand as with liberal use of Photoshop. What's better - finding out the truth, or sounding authoritative?
Posted by: Yasha | June 17, 2007 at 06:30 AM
LOL. Top class post. You should have realized that this blog could easily stay in records and some sort of archives for many thousansds of years. Now that is really interesting..
Greetings from Lithuania
Posted by: Tomas Liubinas | June 17, 2007 at 05:12 AM
This is a very funny blog! Keep them coming!
Mark Bowness
www.peoplpassionplanet.com
Posted by: Mark Bowness | June 17, 2007 at 01:45 AM
World's earliest known "hand-job" parlor?
Posted by: Tutu | June 16, 2007 at 06:06 PM
He's obviously got hold of the lucky third ball.
Posted by: Leora | June 15, 2007 at 09:25 PM
The kangaroo, piano, mustard scenario is actually quite easy to figure out. Obviously you were into kangaroo tapping. The piano was to serenade your beloved marsupial in the afterlife; and the mustard served as a kangaroo aphrodisiac/sex enhancer.
Posted by: withheld | June 15, 2007 at 01:06 PM
If the action shown on the left is an indication of their life styles, perhaps the guy on the right was buried face down so his friends would recognize him?
I'm just asking...
http://boskolives.wordpress.com/
Posted by: jerry w. | June 15, 2007 at 06:15 AM
you're so interesting, i love your writing.
Posted by: WOW Power leveling | June 15, 2007 at 05:53 AM
Could be interesting what archaeologists make of you with those.
I was always told that they have a difficult job due to lack of evidence. Imagine reconstructing the war in Afghanistan from:
* Rusty pieces of AK47
* Taliban press releases
* Soldier of Fortune articles
That is actually more than we have to go on for some ancient wars... (e.g. Roman invasion of Gaul is mainly based on Gaius Julius Caesar's own account that he wrote when trying to get himself elected to office...).
For reference I would like to be buried with:
* The left rear brake light of a Land Rover (red glass)
* A tube of superglue
* A jar of honet (doesn't go off)
* A left rear paw of a rabbit
* A return bus ticket to London (outward only used)
That should confuse them. Oh and wearing:
* Sandals
* A pair of dinner jacket trousers
* A KGB T-shirt (made in the USA)
* An SAS pattern combat jacket
* Top hat
That will definately do it!
Posted by: James Langham | June 15, 2007 at 05:34 AM
If the one one the right is lying face down, and the grave was shallow, it shows that even neolithic man needed somewhere to park his bicycle.
Posted by: ShirtBloke | June 15, 2007 at 05:33 AM
the woman on the right is standing (lying?) with her hands on her hips. could be, that the guy in middle got nagged to death...
Posted by: marmiter | June 15, 2007 at 05:28 AM
Cool blog. You're that Charles Schulz dude, aren't you?
Posted by: Zach Woodcock | June 15, 2007 at 05:13 AM
Following that link, I was much more disturbed by the advert on the right and its creepy graphic showing the signs of visible aging being reduced by, er, about 27,000 years.
Posted by: W.J. Pressurising | June 15, 2007 at 04:08 AM
How do you know the one being grabbed isn't a woman...?
Or the one doing the grabbing isn't a woman?
Posted by: Arturo | June 15, 2007 at 03:56 AM
Looks to me like Bruce is just trying to get some added value on his old tennis balls
Posted by: tony | June 15, 2007 at 02:38 AM
Ref: being buried with piano, mustard and kangaroo. Archaeologist's conclusion: This dude thought he was funny. Either a cartoonist or a comedian, I'm going with cartoonist since there's no booze and he hasn't asked me how I'm doing tonight.
Posted by: Seth | June 15, 2007 at 01:35 AM
Totally off topic, but worth reading for a laugh:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070614/ap_on_fe_st/baby_monitor_space
Posted by: Mark Robinson | June 15, 2007 at 12:10 AM
The one in the middle is definitely telling the lady on the right:
- I don't need you. Even Bruce can do it...
BTW, that's not a camel toe, that's a freaking mamooth toe.
A
Posted by: Andreas Toscano | June 14, 2007 at 11:57 PM
"camel-toe problem"? He didn't go there, did he?
Scott, I can't believe you went there!
Posted by: Eugene Cox | June 14, 2007 at 11:24 PM
funniest post ever. i am learning the art of funny from you. also, i am 20 years younger than you so when bruce is fondling you in your grave, i will be the one describing that scene for the funny fans of that time. please make sure you die in 20 years. thank you.
Posted by: gawker | June 14, 2007 at 10:33 PM
a very pretty skeleton
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/070613/480/d176cb974e2c4947adff2e390f81626c;_ylt=AmSISn.nJZCK8u0ofi610s5xieAA
all is said already what i wanted to say
- an obscure purpose of mustard
- that bruce looks female
- that the skeleton on the right looks like it's facing down(hint - scapulae)
- usefulness of cremation
nothing left to comment on :(
except, their toes are missing! - i mean, their feet bones
i could become a pretty good CSItor
Posted by: rd | June 14, 2007 at 08:20 PM
Ok, now my life's ambition is to outlive George W by enough years that I'll be able to break into his grave and rearrange things so his anatomy will match his actions - his head will literally be up his ass for eternity.
Posted by: Diana W | June 14, 2007 at 07:20 PM