Bull Schadenfreude

Normally I don’t enjoy watching violence. The exception is when a bull wins a bullfight. When one of those videos pops up on the Internet, I’ll watch it two or three times. I don’t mind saying it makes me happy.

I realize I’m supposed to be rooting for the sadistic asshole that’s dressed like a waiter on acid. But I have to be honest: I’m delighted when a bull puts a horn up a matador’s sphincter and trots around the arena wearing him like a rapper’s hat.

There are two things I look for in bull victories:

1. Air time
2. Stomping

Air time is when the bull lifts the matador off his feet and tosses him. You can rate the quality of the toss by how many times the matador yells “Mierda! Mierda! Mierda!” before he hits the ground. Three mierdas is good, but I prefer four.

Then comes the stomping, which I regard as a form of afterglow. That’s when the sadistic asshole helpers come out to save the psychopath matador. It strikes me as unsportsmanlike. I root for the bull to kill them too, but it rarely works out the way I’d like.

The experts say one of the ways you can predict a future serial killer is if he’s cruel to animals and thinks it’s entertaining. You use the same method to predict a future matador. The only difference is that the future serial killer doesn’t dress like an organ grinder’s monkey and masturbate furiously after killing the mammal.

Just to be clear, I normally value the life of a human being higher than the life of an animal. But I think we’d all agree that the best animal is better than the worst human. Bulls usually mind their own business. All they want to do is eat, poop, and hump anything that moos. As a man, I respect the clarity of their missions. On the other hoof, a matador is a guy who didn’t have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer. Honestly, I don’t see how anyone can root for the human in this situation.

Bonus question: What would you name a bull that contributes to global warming, and stabs matadors with his horns?

Comments

[Cybernetic System Model 101]

I love to eat steak. I am also lucky, because (fingers crossed) I will "probably" not be alive when the machines become self-aware and wipe out the stupid nonsense that humanity likes to call "civilization." The most intelligent entity will ALWAYS gain control... which means that our fun-time animal killings and meat gorging days are numbered. Top computer scientists repeatedly warn that if AI research is not halted, then it is almost certain that we will bring into existence an advanced artificial "life form" that will see us as nothing more than useless vermin. Pay back time is near at hand. However, animal lovers will NOT be pleased to hear that ALL biological life will become redundant once the machines become sentient...

[prashanth J]

"The only difference is that the future serial killer doesn’t dress like an organ grinder’s monkey and masturbate furiously after killing the mammal"

"All they want to do is eat, poop, and hump anything that moos"

I just couldn't stop rolling on the floor while reading these lines.I knew my coleagues around my cubicle went mad looking at me laughing all alone. But couldn't help it. Great. Go.

[Jayabrata Bose]

Come to think, don't you think we do the same- eat, sleep and poop. Okay, I don't know how many of us hump anything that moos.. (I don't, you naughty feller)

And, yea I'd call the bull you are alluding to -
Red Bull

[Pete]

i love when the bull rams his horns up the guys ass or throws him up and as the guy falls the bull thumps him back up :) ..... i'm rooting for the bulls as well :)

[Bill Arvia]

A little late, but "The Gaseous Gasher" comes to mind...

www.triplebee.squarespace.com

[Imran]

"The more we start treating animals like humans, the more we treat humans like animals."

Absolutely Disagree!! More we start treating every living being as living being, more closer we become to "humans".

Go BULLs. Until that "sport" is banned, and we all wish it is, I root for the Bulls.

[Curt]

The answer was "Toro Gore-o Carbon" right?

[yogisanchez]

Since you like it so much ill give you a link. The article its in spanish but i think you will like to see the pics ;)

http://www.noticias24.com/vida/?p=493

[synapticmisfires]

I have a cousin who became a vegetarian (and temporarily a vegan) after reading some pamphlet about KFC mistreats chickens. She was all excited to see a bull fight...I got to be the lucky person who explained to her that bull fighting is really just bull-taunting-while-a-bunch-of-guys-stab. She no longer wants to see a bull fight.

[TasTigger]

Al/El Gore is good but only makes sense if the opposite meaning applies (i.e. tries to reduce global warming). I suggest changing the word order to "Gore Al".

[BIll]

All these comments about things from your own view are pure solipsistic rantings. I came to that view when I was 12...
eg, The universe does not exist if I am not here, therefore no one has any intrisinc value except when I am alive. Therefore, I get to decide all intrinsic values..

Problem is, there do seem to be other people with somewhat differing views that will offer a competing view, sometimes in unpleasant ways..

[Statsmo]

"Philosophical question: Do animals have any intrinsic value? This is philosophy 101. . . The answer is no, they don't, because man can only view things from his own perspective."

Wow, Jamieg should have kept going to philosophy 101 after the second week. We've moved past the Cartesian theater.

[J]

I'd call him Steve.

[Bsquared]

Bonus Question: Si, Oh Too !

[Minna]

Hot Bull
Two Sharp
Fartaldo
A-Cracker
Mighty Gas

[mnuez]

I think you'd probably want to offer: Foul Gore. But I wouldn't. Because there's a better question for that answer:

"What would you name a CHICKEN that contributes to global warming, and stabs matadors with his horns?"

Now THERE'S Foul Gore!

[mnuez]

Hey TricklePee, I like how you first claim that nothing has value and then say that humans are most certainly more valuable than animals. Gotta choose babe. And I'd guess that you'd choose (and already chose but were unclear about it) that humans have some sort of value.

How the hell do they?

If the scientists are right and we are nothing but preprogramed accidents that arrived here with no purpose and who will simply vanish when we stop working (when what we call "our bodies" stops working, i mean) - then what value is there to any human?

And that's why I propose bombing Disneyland.

Do it for the children.

{P.S. Lest Dilbee fear that some moron may construe this threat as a joke and thus desire not to post such that he doesn't get in trouble, let me announce that this was a joke, not a threat. What is threatening however is that we live in a society where the media does little other than to titilate the darkest parts of mankind's nature by keeping us constantly on the fright lest there be a child molestor hiding out in a cabin in Wyoming. Were it not for that totally nutty askew perspective that we're offered by the "news" with regards to what the real threats to our health and lives are (and were it not for all piety and caring being directed toward "the children" at the expense of everyone who isn't one ['nless they're a minority]) there wouldn't be any need for this silly explanation. - Again, I doubt Dilbee would misunderstanbd but I could certainly see him being criticized by zanies who say something like, "in this dangerous time where there are more pedophiles than ever, how could you not censor a threat to do a terrorist attack against children at Disneyland?! And so the ten sentence "defense" for a two sentence joke. Ridiculous that it's necessary.)

[Earonn]

Thanks, Scott! Loved this post.

Interesting comment about the philosophical (non-)'value' of animals by Trickypickle. But...if man (i.e. me) can view things only from his (mine) own perspective...why should any other Human be of *any* value more than a tree, an animal etc.? I mean: if I can view anything's value just regarding to my own needs, this should go for other people as well as for animals. Therefore another Human's life couldn't be more valuable than a bull's? (serious question).

As for traditioners: several people have given good replies to this way of 'reasoning'. Still I expect all of you to appear here as my slaves (since some of my forebearers were slave-owners) as well as Human sacrifice (since once in my religion such things have been tradition). :p

Jesse gave a wonderful reply (atomic war vs. rape) to the "there are more important concerns". Heavy stuff, Jesse, but I totally agree with you.

Chris from Solingen: *wave from Essen* :)

Those who think that nobody with *any* kind of animal torture in his/her country wouldn't be allowed to say that bullfighting is wrong: you *are* aware, that even a murderer has the right to file a charge against somebody else who commits a crime? That's called 'civilisation'. Nothing is automatically 'right' by proving that anything else is 'wrong', too.

I do know that Spain has a wonderful and rich culture - they don't need that kind of 'tradition'. I really can't understand why they don't just skip this small part. It's not as if Spanish culture would vanish with bullfighting, right?

[mnuez]

Tooting Horn?

[Fernando]

I have two things to say: first, we feed cows, pigs, chickens, to kill them and eat their meat. And bulls to kill them and get entertainment and art out of them. Otherwise, we would not bother raising them. We specifically raise bulls for the bullfights. The meat is not so appreciated, and a single bull can inseminate many cows. The cost of feeding them is probably much higher than the possible benefit. Without bullfights, I'm pretty sure that there would be very few bulls around. They would not even get a chance to fight for their freedom: they simply would not exist.

Second, the main reason for someone to become a torero is not sadism. Most of them do it because they don't have any other choice. Nobody would stand in front of an angry bull, with a chance to die, if they can help it.

[Jason Lee]

I only glanced through the comments so I don't know if anyone else who commented said this; I would much rather see a human die than an animal. Animals serve a much more useful part of the ecology than so many of these humans walking around.

[mo]

A long time ago more than one scientist took a few Labrador retrievers and nailed them to walls, just like Jesus on the cross. It was believed back in the dark ages(fifty years ago) that animals couldn't feel pain so they were operated on while awake.
It was (and still is) accepted scientific practice to do research on cats, kittens, dogs and puppies, they were slowly eviscerated and because they screamed their voice boxes were cut out.
The screaming was described as a "reflex" that had nothing to do with pain.
Eventually it became accepted that this reflex was in fact pain and the pets were given anesthetics.

When most people are forced to see suffering close up they change their tune.
The problem is for most of us the suffering is distant, sitting high in the stands the spectator cannot see the animals eyes or it's blood.We don't see how our food gets to our table anymore either.
Then there are the people who live to see the agony close up, the dog/cock fight people. Men standing around with erections at the sound of an animal dying in agony.
They get sexual satisfaction from the sight of pain and suffering.
These are the ones I worry about.
I can bet rapists, pedophiles and men that like to beat their wives all become aroused when exposed to the suffering of an animal.
I think anyone who gets off on animal torture as entertainment needs culling.
Anyone who breeds horses or cattle will understand. Something that damaged and genetically inbred needs to be euthanized to prevent it from breeding.
It is time to thin the human herd.
The gene pool doesn't need to be polluted by sick, vicious, sadistic monsters that salivate then masturbate at the thought of a pit bull killing another pit bull.

Unfortunately the gene pool has become so polluted by monsters that breed like rabbits it's probably too late.

All research clearly shows abuse of animals is the first step in creating a monster that rapes and murders.

Glad to see so many people in favor of creating more monsters....
How about pulling your heads out of your asses and staring reality in the eye?
I can't tell you not to eat meat but did you never wonder about how that hamburger became hamburger?
Did it never occur to you that you can buy hamburger from a supplier that doesn't use beef from a feedlot?
Take responsibility for your food and your damn entertainment.
Where the hell did the moral center go?
We used to slaughter our own animals that we bred and raised.
We had an intimate relationship with our food. We took responsibility for our food. We deeply appreciated that life because it nourished us.
Now we don't even know where the food comes from. We don't care anymore.
We just want what we want when we want it and we don't give a damn about anyones suffering but our own.
We have become narcissists, all starring in our own movie...everything else? Meaningless extras there only to advance our own stories.

There is nothing wrong with eating meat but don't pretend it comes from a can. The cow died so you can eat. Say thank you.

[p]

"..the sadistic asshole that’s dressed like a waiter on acid.."

and:

"..All they want to do is eat, poop, and hump anything that moos. As a man, I respect the clarity of their missions."

that is all.

[Ferran]

BTW, I don't get why is so many people here making fun of Al Gore? I am not american, so I probably don't understand a lot of things about its politics, but global warming is real, and it's plain stupid blaming bull shit for it while building factories, cars, etc without taking any measure to control the pollution out of it.

[Ferran]

What would you name a bull that contributes to global warming, and stabs matadors with his horns?
THE STABBING POOPER.

Obvious answers are always the best.
What would you call an animal that eats stones and can fly?
THE FLYING STONE-EATER.
(This last is my favourite joke of all times :D)