My Compliments to You

If you asked me to list everything I’ve ever learned, in some sort of useful groupings, it would look like this:

1. Hypnosis
2. Dale Carnegie’s techniques
3. Everything else I have ever learned

Hypnosis taught me how to understand people. It’s the useful core of psychology, sales, marketing, love, sex, crime, religion, patriotism, writing, creativity, and anything else involving the human mind. Hypnosis isn’t intended to be all that, but for me, it was the missing link that tied everything together. There’s no way to truly understand how irrational the human brain is just by reading about it; you need to see it in action. Once you get that, everything else in life makes sense.

The Dale Carnegie course is second on my list because it taught me how to operate socially, and that is the essential component of happiness, right after health and safety.

On its surface, the Dale Carnegie course I took (there’s more than one flavor) was about public speaking. Most of our time was spent simply listening to our classmates speak, or doing our own speaking. That’s what I signed up to learn.

I was working at the phone company, and a director of Dale Carnegie did a sales presentation in the auditorium at work. My company was willing to pay for anyone who signed up. I was curious, so I went. I saw the best sales presentation of my life.

The local director for Dale Carnegie went onstage. He had no Powerpoint presentation. After introducing himself, his entire sales presentation went like this: “I’d like to ask two of your coworkers who took the course to come on stage and tell you about it.”

The ex-students were brief. They were persuasive. They were animated. They were spontaneous. They used no notes. They prowled the stage. They owned it. But most important, and the dealmaker for me, was that they so obviously enjoyed doing it. I signed up.

I think there were about 25 people in the class. On day one, our instructor described the method he would use. It was simple to the point of making me think it couldn’t work. The Dale Carnegie approach to teaching public speaking is to compliment the speaker for whatever he or she does well, and never mention any flaws.

That’s it. That’s the entire technique.

The theory is that when you focus on flaws, you don’t address the underlying problem of being uncomfortable in front of people. If you tell someone to take his hands out of his pockets, he will, but he’ll transfer his nervous habit to some other mannerism. At best, you end up with robotic speakers afraid to do something wrong. I had already taken a few public speaking classes that focused on flaws, and I can confirm that the successful graduates were a bit like R2D2.

Most of my classmates in the Dale Carnegie course were basket cases when it came to public speaking. Some knew they had a serious problem and others were forced by their bosses to attend. The first day was grim. One woman stood frozen in front of the group, unable to generate an intelligible word. Beads of sweat literally dripped off her chin. It was horrible to watch. She choked out a few words and returned to her seat, defeated. Our instructor came to the front of the room and said, “Wow. That was really brave.”

And it was. We all knew it was true. This woman had put her head in the lion’s mouth. Suddenly we all realized we had witnessed something important. We applauded. And it changed her. Each week, she managed a little bit more. And each week the instructor and the class recognized her achievement. By the end of the course, everyone in the class was an exceptional speaker, and we all looked forward to our few minutes in front of the class. It was like witnessing a frickin’ miracle.

There were side exercises, designed to get us out of our shells. And we learned some tricks for making conversation that added immensely to my social wellbeing. But the most fascinating exercise involved compliments. Compliments were the only tool the instructor used to turn a room full of bad speakers into a room full of pros. And he demonstrated the power of compliments with a little exercise.

He asked us to write a brief compliment on a piece of paper for every other student. Keep in mind that we didn’t know each other. Coming up with a compliment for each of 25 strangers is no easy task. You had to dig deep. Perhaps you noticed how well someone dressed, or how much progress he made in the class, or her cheerful disposition. We each wrote our compliments and handed them in. The instructor sorted them by student and mailed them to our homes a few weeks later.

I remember opening my little package of compliments. Like everything else in the Dale Carnegie course, it seemed silly at first. How much impact would a bunch of mandated compliments from strangers have on me? Surely they would seem insincere to the point of humorous. I started to read them, one by one, and they blew me away. It was a powerful experience, and that was the point of the exercise. When we compared notes later, we all had the same experience. Compliments are powerful things, even from strangers who barely know you.

Allow me to demonstrate. I’m going to give you some compliments right now, to kick off your weekend. You might be surprised how good it makes you feel.

First, if you are reading The Dilbert Blog, I already know something about you: You have an open mind, and that’s a rare and wonderful quality. Most people only enjoy seeing their preconceived ideas fed back to them. That doesn’t happen here. Open-mindedness is one of the most important qualities a person can have. You have it, my friend.

You’re also well above average in intelligence. This blog is designed to appeal to people like you. So unless it’s your first time here, I have no doubt that you’re one of the smartest people you know. Check out the quality of the comments to yesterday’s post, for example. Not many spelling errors, if you know what I mean.

You also have a wonderful sense of humor. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here. A good sense of humor is another indicator of intelligence. I expect you’re well-liked by the people who know you best because you’re rational, curious, eclectic, and fun-loving.

Have a great weekend.

Comments

[Subliminal Self Improvement]

thank you, i felt myself great from your compliments.

[Bandith]

Well, I really agree with the writer. Especially the talk about dale carnegi

Bandith

[Dan V]

Scott wrote in the article...

"So unless it’s your first time here, I have no doubt that you’re one of the smartest people you know."

This is my first visit. Therefore, I am participating now so that I can come back later and establish myself as someone smart (which, BTW, is contrary to all other indicators).

[Laura]

Wow, Thanks for both great articles. It is always better to teach with humor. I highly recommend anyone interested in hypnosis and confidence read these explanations. My life is hypnosis. I'm a hypnotherapist, instructor and most of my work is the fun of bringing out peoples creativity in the hypnosis show. I enjoyed the your perception.
You are probably good at reframing the negative or glass half empty folks, yes?
Again Thanks, Laura

[sarah]

A friend of mine recommended this particular page to help with speech class, which I'm terrified of. I actually DID find a little condolence in it, too. Thanks for writing it!

[MsShad]

New reader just today, via "And So It Goes".

This was a great post, all well and good, but then I noticed... it's filed under "General Nonsense"!

Funny.

[Jennifer Lee]

Scott!! A friend of mine sent me the link to one of your articles and now I'm addicted to your blog! I still have a bunch of posts to go through! It's so cool how you got to take a Dale Carnegie course! That man was a genius!

[Pat Sciacca]

Scott,

I belong to a listserv that sent your blog site to me.

I was really taken with your blog. I have read your cartoons for years but did not know about your blog.

I really agree with you about compliments. My son, who is now 27 and a successful business owner had a Learning Disability when he was in school. I noticed then hos much compliments helped his try even harder with his school work. I often thought of writing a book called Praise them when they are right they know when they are wrong but never did.

Your blog brought back those memories and reinforced the importance of compliments. Thanks again.

[Dio]

reading this post made me feel warmer inside that those complements did. ;)

[MarkM]

When I took Carnegie I knew that the instructor had to compliment everyone. For me, anyway, it gave all the compliments a false ring since each and every one of us would be complimented whether or not there was something worth complimenting.

That doesn't mean the technique doesn't work. It just means it doesn't work on me. Even though you could easily apply "above average intelligence," "open minded," and "a good sense of humor" to me, I did not feel uplifted or complimented.

Well - maybe a little.

[Almost Lucid (Brad)]

Ha, I thought, "Theres no way his generic compliments are going to make me feel better." And then they did. Thanks.

For what it's worth, this blog is my favorite, and I read a lot of blogs, articles and whatnot. It is the dessert in my Bloglines, saved for last. Thank you for educating and entertaining.

[joan]

Hey Scott,
I liked those compliments. So much so, that they energized me and made me happy. The language used in the compliments had a very nice rhythm. Almost like you were hypnotizing us to have a good day.
Were you?

[Roadsiderose]

I disagree with the cynical postings hinting at insincerity behind the compliments to the readers. After reading halfway through the comments I couldn't help but notice that the readers of this blog are indeed of above average intelligence.

Why wouldn't people of similar nature be attracted to this blog? Birds of a feather flock together. It's easy to see that this blog attracts intelligent, open-minded people who enjoy new or different ideas. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have similar interests to the author. Eclectic, fun-loving, etc. The author is simply recognizing likeminded people. It's doubtful he's trying to manipulate you or whatever.

[Marin]

Scott...
Thanks for the ringing endorsement of the Dale Carnegie program. You have successfully taken the place of those that appeared on the stage during that sales presentation so many years ago. It is truly amazing the power that honest sincere appreciation has on people. When I say this I do not mean flattery, which is insincere. I mean the compliment supported by evidence just as you wrote at the end of your entry. Congratulations to you for making it part of your life!

And just a short note to those around the world interested in Dale Carnegie programs...check the Dale Carnegie website for our worldwide locations. We are in 79 countries around the world including India and the UK for the writers from thoses locations that were wondering where to find the programs.

Thanks again Scott and keep up the great blogging!

[Diana W]

The compliments list reminds me of a story I read years ago. An elementary school teacher wishing to boost the confidence of the children in her class did the same exercise, having each child write something nice about all the others in their class. Each child received their list of compliments and was bouyed by the nice things said about them. Years later one child, now a teen, died in an accident and the teacher was invited to the funeral. The boy's mother told her that he had kept and treasured that list, and several other classmates proceeded to reveal where they kept theirs and how they pulled them out from time to time to lift their spirits. Every school should make this a standard exercise.

[flyawaynet]

Thank you Scott.

I know your feelings on religion, but your words here may very well give me a deeper and closer more meaningful relationship with my church family. I may be unoriginal but I intend to compliment each and every one of them.

Thank you, really... I appreciate it. This post made a difference for me.

[Lazy Boy]

Thanks Scott my inner child is happy and my cynic self is now thinking of looking for new employment.

Leading by inspiration is more work usually but always produces the best and longest lasting results. Any moron can point out flaws, not everybody sees the true effort some people make everyday to better themselves. Thanks again for demonstrating that point.

Lazy Boy

[Charlie On the Pennsylvania Turnpike]

I was offline for an extended weekend, so I am playing catch up.

The power of positive thinking is wonderful, isn't it? Nearly all of the above comments express love or other compliments towards you in response to the presumed compliments you've given them.

Don't get me wrong: you assessment of your readers is dead-on. Demographics rarely lie. I imagine if Paris Hilton gave compliments to her fans, she would include specific praise on their sense of style, because that is probably something her demos reflect.

But I wonder how many of your readers (who commented above) feel a certain warmth when the shop-clerk says 'have a nice day' as she/he hands over change?

True compliments, to me, have significance if they are rooted in some trait that a person possesses that cannot be viewed in a demographic.

So while I appreciate your efforts, perhaps more than most realize, I understand that it was merely an exercise.

[John]

Thank you.

[Joel]

I took a Leadership course with Dale Carnegie in the UK and thoroughly enjoyed it. Highly recommended.

[Yitzi]

You're just too cool, man.

Best writer ever.

Most insightful potical commentator I've ever read. And tied first for funniest and cleverest writer ever (with your second cousin, Douglas).

I'm too tired to form coherent compliments.

Another time.

[Himanshu]

this really works.. Thanks Scott. I see what you wanted to put across. Point very well made!

[Alok Ranjan]

Dear Scott! Your blog is my homepage. So, maybe your compliments to the readers apply even more to me. :)

I have jotted down a few reasons why I keep coming to your blog. 1) The simplicity and intelligence in your writing 2) The wide range of topics you cover 3) The positive energy and optimism which shine through your blog.

I've gone through Dale Carnegie's books. They have helped me a lot. But after reading this piece, I feel I should go through them once again more seriously. Unfortunately I'm not sure if Dale Carnegie's courses are available here in New Delhi, India.

Please do keep writing such stuff. They give the pleasure of reading. Even more importantly, they tell us how to make our lives better.

[Sudeep]

I always knew it, if I stuck around long enough, along with being entertained, I will definitely get something which will make me better.This one certainly is a gem.... an amazing outlook on public speaking, confidence and other things important.

[Free William]

Then again some of us can't take a compliment.

I run IT training courses. I used to have feedback forms to help me improve the sessions. I stopped using them because I used to get lots of compliments and positive feedback. They did make me feel good but I am smart enough to know that my sessions can't be that good.

Your closing compliments made me feel good too but I have started looking over my shoulder, sometime soon someone is going to realise I am an imposter and don't belong at the Dilbert blog.

Maybe I shoud have read this on Friday...