Sunshine

One of the most popular arguments for the existence of God is that the universe has the precise balance of forces for sustaining life. This seems like a miracle to me, at least until I go outside in July without sunscreen, and burn like the last French fry in Hell.

At this point I must pause to acknowledge that there is no good reason the LAST French fry in Hell would burn faster than all the other French fries, or even that Hell would run low on fried food. But today is a holiday in the States, and if I put any more effort into that analogy it will seem like a job.

Back to my point, I’m just saying the natural balance of the world could use some work. There’s something wrong with the picture. It’s like God getting a B+ on a spelling test. You’d expect Him to ace the simple subjects, such as sunshine. I’m not asking a lot from the omnipotent creator of the universe. I just want to walk to the mailbox without getting cancer.

This is the time of year I have to make difficult choices about my sun exposure. I figure I have three choices.

1. Enjoy an attractive and natural tan until my face begins to resemble Honus Wagner’s baseball glove. Then die from skin cancer.

2. Avoid the sun and look like a cross between uncooked tofu and whoever is attacking Harry Potter lately. Live a long life shunned by the sighted.

3. Apply an artificial tanning lotion and look like I got gang raped by giant carrots who watch too many Peter North movies.

Lately I’ve been splitting the difference. I’m too lazy to apply sunscreen on my face every time I walk outside, and I don’t spend enough time outdoors with my shirt off to even-up the damage. Now when I take off my shirt I look like Frosty the Snowman with a Beef Jerky head. It’s not as cool as it sounds.

Luckily for me, God invented shirts. But as long as I’m being critical, I have to say He didn’t do his best work in that department either. All of my favorite shirts are what I call look-downs. That means when I wear them, and I gaze down at my torso, I think “Nice shirt.” I like the color and pattern. From the viewpoint that I alone can see, it looks perfect. Then I walk in front of a full-length mirror to discover my shirt fits like a radish wearing a parachute. (Again, I remind you it’s a holiday.)

In summary, I don’t look good with clothes, or without them. That leaves me with one option. Whenever other people are around I try to distract them into looking at other things, e.g. “Is it just me, or does it look like that pillow is humping the couch?”

Sometimes that’s the best you can do.

Happy 4th of July.

Comments

[Boshena the Spray Tan Expert]

I wish you would get a spray tan. One of those that you stand in front of some girl in a ridicolous little thong and they spray you with a stinking solution.
You would have something to write about for weeks and possibly you might look better too.

[Unome]

Nice! Dilbert will be happy and amused! (as are we all!)

[Mason]

god didn't invent t-shirts...

[Radwaste]

The man knows Honus Wagner AND Peter North.

Elect him President immediately.

(John Bloom for VP!)

[Sondra]

Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny...

[jerry w.]

As the owner of a face that was made for radio, I share your pain.

That being said, I choose to take my chances with the sun, the ashen N.Y.C. mortuary look never has had much attraction for me.

Live long and perspire, I say!

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Julie]

har! made my day!!

[SlowMovingTarget]

There is a huge flaw in your logic, Scott...

The last French fry in Hell took the longest to burn.

[Denise]

Hey dork! Get outta the sun! That's not for you, that's for growing strawberries and carrots!

YOU are supposed to be in a HOUSE! That's why God invented THOSE!
DUH.
:P

[sey]

Just FTR Creationists argue the world was once "very good" and has since progressively become worse and worse.

[tord]

Hmmm.. Vic that's an interesting one

you say "Few Christians believe the world is this way because God made a mistake."

My first thought was "if the God as described in the bible didn't make a mistake, where have all the dinosaurs gone?"

I can think of several mistakes biblical God made. My personal favourite is not telling Noah that he'd need a much bigger Arc to fit ten million or so species that currently exist (don't forget to multiply that by 2)...

Another question that arose in my mind is "Who was the world perfect for before man sinned?" It certainly wasn't perfect for man (or woman) cause some fun stuff (like gaining knowledge) was banned by the rather dull witted and spiteful God of bible fame. Obviously that God had no idea what he'd created if he seriously expected man to run around with only a fig leaf for the rest of time. Why bother giving us a brain at all?

I suspect Scott enjoys it when he sees people question their own assumptions. Why don't you take a bit of time to identify and question yours? Personally I woundn't use the bible as a reference in your quest. It's been too seriously abused.

[arlo]

regarding your first sentence,

'there are some oddities in the perspective with which we see the world. the fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on a surface of a gas-covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away, and think this to be normal, is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be,'
---------douglas adams

[Becky]

That's why we naturists are so happy - no problem with how clothes look and we know how and when to apply sunscreen.

[Vic]

Originally the world was perfect, then man sinned. Cancer and everything else you complain about is punishment. Few Christians believe the world is this way because God made a mistake.

On the other hand, you're still alive today. If the earth were just a tiny bit closer to the sun, you'd be dead, not sunburned.

[Duane]

I've taken to wearing a hat*. It is practical and fashionable.

* By "hat" I refer to a proper hat with a brim, not a baseball cap. Nothing against caps, but they provide little shade or cooling effect.

[Jan]

This post is hilarious, I mean the analogies you used, not er, your skin tone or body ;)

And I like your idea of distracting people from looking at own self, would definitely try it!

I enjoyed this post, thanks for making my day~

[Jez]

On humping couches and looking ridiculous (by comparison with the charming pillow):
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Thrust+Squad/

[Kristofer Hoch]

Peter North ... that is the LAST time I ever Wikipedia something you mention on your blogs dude ... sheesh.

[J Jetzen]

Combine the spray on tan with the shirt. Then you will look like a giant carrot in a parachute!

[Diana W]

My color is naturally in the same paste family as yours, but I've found that the spray-on tans you can get at a salon aren't half bad. As you have more ready cash that most, I'd suggest that you have the system installed in your shower. Get all clean and tanned in ten minutes every morning.

[khamul]

The answer is obvious: God lives in the UK.

And likes rain.

[Real Live Girl]

I like to think of God as an all powerful scientist who loves us but has a sense of humor to match. It's probably what keeps Him from scraping this science project when we act all stupid.

BGod loves you too Scott. He's using me as His instrument to tell you to wear a friggin' hat when you walk to the mail box in July. You are welcome!

[_wesmiller_]

i'm just a tiny bit surprised by the Peter North reference. That hints at a side of you not often touched upon (no pun intended.)

i feel closer to you now Scott.

[Argenbert]

"ozone hole"

is it kinda kinky or it's just me having a weird horny day?

[QwkDrw]

Just say it: TENNIS TAN

Indeed happy 4th of July (from the prospective of being sober and alive on the morning of the 5th).