One of the most popular arguments for the existence of God is that the universe has the precise balance of forces for sustaining life. This seems like a miracle to me, at least until I go outside in July without sunscreen, and burn like the last French fry in Hell.
At this point I must pause to acknowledge that there is no good reason the LAST French fry in Hell would burn faster than all the other French fries, or even that Hell would run low on fried food. But today is a holiday in the States, and if I put any more effort into that analogy it will seem like a job.
Back to my point, I’m just saying the natural balance of the world could use some work. There’s something wrong with the picture. It’s like God getting a B+ on a spelling test. You’d expect Him to ace the simple subjects, such as sunshine. I’m not asking a lot from the omnipotent creator of the universe. I just want to walk to the mailbox without getting cancer.
This is the time of year I have to make difficult choices about my sun exposure. I figure I have three choices.
1. Enjoy an attractive and natural tan until my face begins to resemble Honus Wagner’s baseball glove. Then die from skin cancer.
2. Avoid the sun and look like a cross between uncooked tofu and whoever is attacking Harry Potter lately. Live a long life shunned by the sighted.
3. Apply an artificial tanning lotion and look like I got gang raped by giant carrots who watch too many Peter North movies.
Lately I’ve been splitting the difference. I’m too lazy to apply sunscreen on my face every time I walk outside, and I don’t spend enough time outdoors with my shirt off to even-up the damage. Now when I take off my shirt I look like Frosty the Snowman with a Beef Jerky head. It’s not as cool as it sounds.
Luckily for me, God invented shirts. But as long as I’m being critical, I have to say He didn’t do his best work in that department either. All of my favorite shirts are what I call look-downs. That means when I wear them, and I gaze down at my torso, I think “Nice shirt.” I like the color and pattern. From the viewpoint that I alone can see, it looks perfect. Then I walk in front of a full-length mirror to discover my shirt fits like a radish wearing a parachute. (Again, I remind you it’s a holiday.)
In summary, I don’t look good with clothes, or without them. That leaves me with one option. Whenever other people are around I try to distract them into looking at other things, e.g. “Is it just me, or does it look like that pillow is humping the couch?”
Sometimes that’s the best you can do.
Happy 4th of July.
How delightfully random...just remember - there is no god...and no flying dinosaurs...i remember why we gave you your independence now...and we're still waiting on that tea! The interest on that 2p unpaid tax is getting quite high...probably best to work on your day off...
Posted by: ConfusedAsDuck | July 05, 2007 at 06:22 AM
[Well actually, if you approach it from the the physics
angle, the reduced mass of a single french fry, compared
to a lot of french fries, assuming that hell burns at a
consistent rate regardless of the number of french fries,
would mean that it would absorb heat much faster than a
large number of french fries, which means it would burn
faster - oh I forgot it's a holiday, never mind......]
damn! beat me to it!!!!
Posted by: Adrian | July 05, 2007 at 06:08 AM
Nobody will believe you when the pillow is really humping the couch. Boy there'll be trouble!
Posted by: naz | July 05, 2007 at 05:38 AM
You have a body designed for north of the 45th parallel. Why dont you move north of 45th parallel and quit bitching?
Posted by: Kilgore J. Trout | July 05, 2007 at 05:06 AM
"But how come that everything that gives us cancer today didn't seem to cause cancer in the old days? Or is it just because people died from something else like the plague before getting cancer?
Posted by: Balstrup"
Mostly, yes.
Partly that old people of the last generation were allowed to be wrinkly or have strange lumps coming off them. The Media nowadays wants old people to look like young people. And only the *good looking* young people at that...
Posted by: Mark | July 05, 2007 at 04:25 AM
""I got up this morning thinking of how the Brits have universal healthcare and we don't. Which makes me feel differently about the day than I did a few days ago before going to the movies and reminding myself about our crazy healthcare system.""
Do you know whats funnier? We spend less on healthcare per capita than you do... the NHS isn't perfect, but at least all the wastage is due to disinterested incompetence, rather than very interested embezzlement and profit.
It's a mad world.
Posted by: GeordieHalfBreed | July 05, 2007 at 04:22 AM
re Ben:
>> In summary, I don’t look good with clothes, or without them.
>Congratulations, Shelly married you for your mind.
>You're the 1st guy to have that happen.
>Stephen Hawking's wife married him for a research grant
Ben, you're forgetting, Scott's rich.
Posted by: passerby | July 05, 2007 at 04:17 AM
I don't think that many of your readers are getting the Peter North reference :)
Posted by: Asd | July 05, 2007 at 04:04 AM
That's why Dog put your eyes where they are, you don't ever have to look at yourself. Santa invented mirrors to ruin the perfect illusion.
Posted by: LA Clay | July 05, 2007 at 04:02 AM
Sounds like the ol' problem of evil. The universe may be good, but it's not perfect, because evil stuff (like skin cancer) exists. If god is omnipotent, omniscient, and loves us completely, why is this?
Posted by: charlie pye | July 05, 2007 at 03:45 AM
God invented shirts? I think I missed that section of the Bible. Or, more likely, you and nearly everybody else missed the part where Adam and Eve felt no body shame until after they ate the fruit God told them not to, and then they invented clothing. It's pretty obvious to anybody with 5th grade reading skills that God created naked people, and wanted people to remain naked. Yet for some reason, fundies and not-so-fundies alike seem to think nudity is wrong, despite God's obvious wishes in that department.
Posted by: Wolfger | July 05, 2007 at 03:41 AM
Scott, I would take the "Sun" thing a little further. God created the Sun along with a whole slew of other goodies ("But Wait!! If you incarnate right now you also get the Moon and the Stars!!) Then God created Man, gave him testicles... which Eve got after the eviction.
OK, I'll grant that the Garden of Eden is long gone and that we only have the voice-over narrator's word that it was great, but God shoved us out into what is arguably the crappiest real-estate on the face of the planet! No time-out, no "You're grounded, mister!"... nope, straight out into the dust, sand and heat of the Middle-East.
Thanks God! Maybe you should have a chat with Dr. Phil.
Posted by: basselope | July 05, 2007 at 03:21 AM
"Two words: ozone hole."
Nope, more like "sunscreen lotion" (aka nasty chemicals companies with vested interests try to convince you to buy to protect yourself from something, that with a bit of controlled exposure can be almost completely harmless, and indeed, beneficial)
Posted by: GA | July 05, 2007 at 02:45 AM
You only get sunburn because of the chemicals THEY put in the drinking water. Way back in the olden days (pre 1939) we didn't get sunburn.
It's all a ploy to sell more cream.
Sneaky fuckers.
Posted by: gordon_goosemonster | July 05, 2007 at 02:22 AM
The whole tanning thing troubles me. I once spent 6 months living in Sydney, out at the beach most days, yet still managed to look vaguely transulcent by the end of my stay.
My father's Scottish, so I blame him - they're practically a nation of vampires.
Posted by: ShaunL | July 05, 2007 at 01:51 AM
this has absolutly nothing to do with this post but i'm wondering what your opinion is of what Keith Olbermann said on MSNBC (if you don't know what i'm talking about here's a link http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19588942/ the article is really just a transcipt of what he says in the video)
Posted by: Xavier | July 05, 2007 at 01:12 AM
Two NewScientist articles.
It's possible that part of the reason more people get skin cancer now is because we use sun block. Sunburn is a warning that you need to get out of the sun, but sun block encourages people to continue to soak up UVA until it gives them cancer.
And the reason that the universe is close to perfect for life is because we made it. Well maybe not us specifically, but the first life that evolved to the point where it counted as a quantum observer.
http://www.newscientist.com/channel/health/mg19426101.500-sunbathers-beware-the-aray.html
"While sunburn is mostly caused by the part of the ultraviolet spectrum known as UVB, there's growing evidence linking melanomas to UVA. Older sunscreens allowed people to stay out in the sun longer without burning but provided little protection against UVA, so they increased people's exposure to these wavelengths."
http://www.newscientist.com/channel/fundamentals/mg19426101.300-the-flexilaws-of-physics.html
"So how can the backward-in-time feature of quantum mechanics explain the bio-friendliness of the universe? Well, obviously we can rule out from the multiplicity of quantum histories any that don't lead to life, because that would conflict with the basic fact of our own existence."
"Wheeler claimed that the existence of life and observers in the universe today can help bring about the very circumstances needed for life to emerge by reaching back to the past through acts of quantum observation. It is an attempt to explain the Goldilocks factor by appealing to cosmic self-consistency: the bio-friendly universe explains life even as life explains the bio-friendly universe."
Posted by: Paul Dove | July 05, 2007 at 01:09 AM
Go back to Chicago, IL.
Posted by: treanton | July 05, 2007 at 12:58 AM
French Fries? Freedom Fries? What the F is that about? Both clear examples of the degeneracy of the US, and advertising alliteration. You have lost the taste for proper chips, or, for a nod to the EU, a Patatje Oorlog!
Real potato with real taste!
(For truly multicultural Scottish readers there is also the delicacy of deep fried frozen pizza, but that is another story.)
Posted by: eric dokum | July 05, 2007 at 12:32 AM
As an engineer I can put you mind at rest on the subject of clothes and on what the female of the species call "fashion".
If it covers your nakedness and more specifically, your "Naughty bits" then it's "Job Done". That's it. Period!
Posted by: Steve Fisher | July 05, 2007 at 12:13 AM
Pillows can go lego on couches? Awesome!!!
Posted by: Eugene Cox | July 04, 2007 at 11:56 PM
Over millions of years, humans have evolved a mechanism for filtering out ultraviolet (UV) light. The protection comes from specialised skin cells called melanocytes which in turn produce the skin coloring pigment called Melanin.
So..esentially, the more 'colored' you are, the better u r protected against sun.
It seems like the Americans are lagging a bit in this evolutionary process.It might take just a few more million years when your Grandddd-Old kids can run around in the museum asking ' Dad, what's that thing called 'sunsceeen lotion' on exhibit in that aisle? "
Hope you had a good Independence day!
Posted by: Aishu | July 04, 2007 at 11:46 PM
Have you ever considered wearing a sombrero? That will keep you face in the shade....
Posted by: Flemming | July 04, 2007 at 11:22 PM
seems like you worked hard to cough up this blog; I knew you to write much better. Shame!
Posted by: swapnil | July 04, 2007 at 11:15 PM
Oh, they're still freedom fries Mr. Englishman. Especially on the 4th! Now pipe down until after I blow my hand off with a cherry bomb...er, freedom bomb.
Posted by: Torrey | July 04, 2007 at 11:07 PM