The Pope’s Handlers
I assume the pope has handlers, like any other leader, but with cooler titles. Imagine how hard it would be to handle the pope. How do you offer advice to a guy whose other advisor is The Almighty?
I was thinking about this problem after seeing a recent photo of the pope. Ignore the story and just look at this picture.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19692094/?GT1=10150
I imagine the pope during that photo shoot. When the handlers see the first few digital pictures, they start whispering to each other “You tell him,” and “No, you tell him.” Finally, the Bishop of Cantaloupe picks the short straw, and the conversation goes like this:
Bishop: Your Holiness, about these pictures…
Pope: They’re great, aren’t they?!
Bishop: Yes, yes. Just one thing. It’s your, um, expression.
Pope: Oh, that. That’s what I call my Infallible Pose. Do you like it?
Bishop: Well, here’s the thing. It might feel like an infallible pose on the inside, but when we see the pictures, it looks…different.
Pope: Different? What do you mean?
Bishop: It’s more of a…I don’t know the right words.
Pope: Try.
Bishop: Crazy eyes.
Pope: What?
Bishop: You have crazy eyes. You look like Charles Manson on crank.
Pope: I appreciate your candor, and it saddens me that God disagrees with you. Wait, I’m getting a message from him now…It says “Go to Hell.”
Then I imagine the Bishop of Cantaloupe screaming in agony as he is consumed in a ball of flames.
Apparently I have too much time on my hands.
Update: An alarming number of readers left comments noting the similarity between the pope and Senator Palpatine from Star Wars. I give you this link to check for yourself.
Ah yes, the great Cardinal Ratzinger, now Great Grand Pope of Gods only Church.
For me, the Pope will always be The-Pope-Formerly-Known-As-Ratzinger. Our little Lord "Alois" Benpatine XVI. ;)
Lord Foul
Posted by: Lord Foul | July 19, 2007 at 02:09 PM
Kris, I think you're talking about the "Infancy Gospel of St Thomas" (which is different to the "Gospel of St Thomas"), which AFAICT is undisputedly a piece of fiction.
By the way, for those of you who've seen the Da Vinci Code, all the 'gospels' except Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were already regarded as unreliable before the Council of Wherever formally announced them as such - that's why they were called the 'Apocrypha' beforehand. And the accepted Gospels emphasise Jesus's human nature - they show him eating, partying, getting tired and depressed, working, dying, etc just like anyone else. That's the point - Jesus is God made human, the interface between us and God.
(Perhaps I'm overusing the phrase "That's the point" a little.)
Posted by: Dyakson | July 19, 2007 at 04:02 AM
SO does this mean ewoks will over through the Catholic church?
Posted by: Kris | July 18, 2007 at 10:22 AM
this is a bit old, but in reference to the person talking about Jesus in his terrible twos. Look for the gospel of Thomas, and other lost gospels like it. It tells the story how Jesus got pissed off at a kid (JC was about 4 I believe) and killed the kid by touching him. Mary gets upset and and forces Jesus to bring him back to life. Look for these, u can find them on line
Posted by: Kris | July 18, 2007 at 10:08 AM
Having known a number of American catholics, I wonder where the wealth and power of the RCC comes from. To paraphrase a movie by Kevin Smith, catholics tend to treat thier faith more like a burden than a blessing. On top of that, the pope looks like Darth Siddious getting a rectal exam. So that money is certianly not comming from the congregation.
Posted by: Doug | July 17, 2007 at 07:24 AM
Scott, every Christian has 'the Almighty' as an advisor. That's the whole point of Christianity - because of Jesus, anyone can have a living relationship with God.
Personally I think the Pope should take the title "Catherder-in-chief"
SJ said something interesting - "If there was ever a reason to keep the church completely walled off from the state, you're looking at it." It's one of the first comments, near the bottom of the page. Funnily enough, the Bible says the same thing (AFAIK)...
Posted by: Dyakson | July 17, 2007 at 05:11 AM
I'm not sure about what y'all think, but I thought the Pope looked like the evil Emperor in Star Wars!
Posted by: dedhed52 | July 17, 2007 at 04:25 AM
Back when he was first running as a candidate, after the old pope died, I used to refer to him as "the raccoon candidate"...
Posted by: Madeline | July 17, 2007 at 01:00 AM
your pope photo also reminds me of Yoda. Does it mean anything?
Posted by: sung | July 16, 2007 at 10:20 PM
You know the eyes, the uncle fester look, the glaring (so to speak) Palpatine eyes .. the crooked hat .. ohh I feel woosey..
so um, he's a shoo in for a Monty Python skit of some type. Hmmmm .. maybe I should go get a duck and a scale, and dress up an altar boy as a witch.
Posted by: Bytesage | July 16, 2007 at 09:34 PM
See, the one I always wondered about was Jesus and the terrible twos. I mean, really, if you're Mary, you're caught between a rock and a hard place, discipline-wise. You're looking cross-eyed at the Son of God after all, telling him not to get all your cookware dirty by making mudpies 5 minutes before you need it to make supper. And He keeps doing it! Now what?
And when Jesus got older, there was no "Wait 'til your father hears about this!" Because His Father already knew. And yet Jesus did it anyway!
Posted by: chiparino | July 16, 2007 at 07:49 PM
it looks like a huge mouth on the top of his head opening wide to eat ... something
Posted by: LeRoy | July 16, 2007 at 03:12 PM
Hysterical! Absolutely brilliant...
Kate x
Posted by: Kate Bacon | July 16, 2007 at 01:48 PM
It's quite clever of you Scott to throw a life-preserver (faith-preserver?) for religious nutjobs to grasp by adding the line "I have too much time on my hands...". That way even the creationist bubbas can find something to agree with you in this inspired post.
Posted by: AJ | July 16, 2007 at 12:58 PM
Hey Trickypickle,
You know, you wrote a lot of nonsense.
First, you don't have to be an atheist to mock the pope, so why do assume that anyone who does is one? Please don't confuse "irreligious" with "atheist". The two are not the same.
Second, you also seem to believe that "no Catholics have seen fit to rant or rave"? How would you, lacking omniscience, know that? Simple, you can't.
Have a nice day now.
Posted by: Terry@TBay | July 16, 2007 at 12:30 PM
I noticed his face/hat combo would fit right on your standard kite.
Maybe someone could market that. Pope head kite.
Posted by: Will Von Wizzlepig | July 16, 2007 at 11:19 AM
Did anybody but me also notice that his hat is on crooked? Look at the distance from the lower edge of the cap, to the top of his ear on each side, one side is loower then the other. Who dresses this guy?
Posted by: TomH | July 16, 2007 at 09:43 AM
The similarity between the pope and the emperor is not accidental. The emperor's name, 'Palpatine', is supposed to have a connotation with the word 'Papal'. He is surrounded by his imperial guard, who all wear red uniforms similar to that of Cardinals. There are others similarities, but I'll stop now.
Posted by: Joel Coehoorn | July 16, 2007 at 07:44 AM
Compared to Senator Palpatine, the Pope looks drunk. His nose is knobbier and red. :-P
Posted by: Joshua Jacobsen | July 16, 2007 at 07:32 AM
The blog was funny, but these comments sadden me. There is so much intolerance and hatred here. Cheap insults and pointless barbs designed to belittle and hurt. I've seen more support for actual tyrants on this blog than for this person who leads the world's largest charitable organization. More 'enlightened' people on this blog felt that Saddam Hussein was a better man than the Pope. Here's the problem with atheists: They need to insult. It's not enough to simply state that you disbelieve in God, which is fine. But most atheists feel the need to belittle and insult those who believe differently than they do, which is decidedly not fine. I think it says something that no Catholics have seen fit to rant or rave on this board. It makes me respect them a lot more than the elitist atheists that troll here. Grow up people, and develop a healthy sense of humor, as opposed to the sick one you currently hold.
Posted by: Trickypickle | July 16, 2007 at 07:18 AM
Bennie is a mess and it shows. As a Catholic, it pains me to hear what comes out of this guy's mouth. How will bringing back the Latin mass and telling other Christians outside the Church they're bogus accomplish anything positive? Next time, I hope the Cardinals choose the tall good looking guy with great hair for Pope. At least I wouldn't mind looking at the next one if he starts talking all irrational.
Posted by: Real Live Girl | July 16, 2007 at 07:07 AM
The Pope heads an organization that habitually shields child molesters.
The Sith may be evil, but they're not THAT evil.
If I were Senator Palpatine, I'd be suing your ass off.
Posted by: Geoffrey | July 16, 2007 at 05:28 AM
With the advisor being a fictitious entity I think having 'crazy eyes' is quite befitting.
Posted by: Chris | July 16, 2007 at 05:16 AM
There are just too many similarities between the Vatican and the"Empire" to mention. That small enclosure of an organization is effectively a microcosm of hell on earth in its own right. That is of course unless you're a 'respeckd' official with a fondness 2 fondle.
Posted by: homeless | July 16, 2007 at 04:59 AM
Repent, my friends, for the End is near...
Posted by: Leonel | July 16, 2007 at 04:42 AM