Things I Used to Know

When I was a kid, it was common knowledge that you would get cramps and drown if you went swimming within an hour of eating. It never occurred to me that if eating and swimming was a deadly combination, the bottom of every pool would be covered with corpses. I never heard of anyone perishing from a sandwich-related drowning. It turns out there was a good reason: Eating before swimming doesn’t cause cramps after all.

Now it’s common knowledge that your cell phone can bring down an airliner. But if that were true, the airlines would confiscate your phones, not just ask you to turn them off. And given the fact that at least one moron leaves his phone on during every flight, you’d expect at least one cell phone-related crash. I’m still waiting.

Everyone knows you can get AIDS from oral sex. Any doctor will confirm that. It’s common knowledge. Yet there are plenty of teens engaging in oral sex and no other kind of sex. Is there one confirmed case of a virgin getting AIDS from a blow job? I don’t know the answer to that question, but it’s odd that the sidewalks in front of high schools aren’t covered with corpses.

We Americans know that Al Qaeda has cells in America planning to attack. And we know that there are more terrorists than ever, thanks to the Iraq war. It’s easy to get people and explosives into the country on private boats or across our porous borders. The woods must be full of terrorists by now. Apparently all the slow ones came to America. I mean, Iraq has almost as many car bombs as cars. Those guys are industrious. But the American terrorists couldn’t put together one car bomb in six years. I know, I know – every one of those American terror cells is waiting for a nuke so they can do something more fabulous than last time. Apparently no one told Al Qaeda in Iraq what an excellent strategy it is to do nothing for six years.

Everyone knows most vegetarians don’t get enough protein. You probably know a few vegetarians yourself. Have you ever heard of an adult vegetarian being hospitalized because of protein deficiency? You’d expect to go to the hospital for a bunion operation and be turned away because all the beds are full of vegetarians with lackofproteinitis.

I have been thinking along these lines lately because of all the comments on this blog about my high intake of Diet Coke. Many people believe the aspartame is dangerous, and indeed you can find mention on the Internet of studies that support that notion, along with ones that don’t. And more recently, a study showed a link between obesity and heart risk for soda drinkers, both diet and regular. These types of risks are more subtle than an airline crash or a car bomb, so I wouldn’t necessarily expect to see fresh corpses clutching soda cans. But I wonder if it’s my cynicism of common wisdom or just cognitive dissonance that causes me to choose the deliciousness and easy caffeine of my Diet Coke over the alleged risks. All I know for sure is that thinking about it just made me thirsty.

(Warning: Do not get your health and safety tips from cartoonists. I’m just making observations, not recommendations. I’m sure the comment section will provide plenty of counter points.)

Comments

[Listo Cómics]

You sound like you have a new sponsor :)

[William G. Blaze]

Wanna send flowers....

go see those site Dilbert

LeFleuriste
MegFlowers
Flowers 2 Go
Florists Online
Florists Springfield

hey hey

Chowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[William G. Blaze]

Wanna send flowers....

go see those site Dilbert

LeFleuriste
MegFlowers
Flowers 2 Go
Florists Online
Florists Springfield

hey hey

Chowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[Artemus]

I went through a vegetarian phase. One morning I was awoken by searing abdominal cramps and went to Urgent Care. They did ultrasound and found nothing to explain the cramps, which shortly went away, but they did find something called "fatty liver", which I later found out can be caused by protein deficiency. It can also be caused by drinking too much alcohol, but I hardly drink. It is reversible and in my case caused no change in liver function. So I started eating more beans and nuts.

[DaveR]

>And we know that there are more
>terrorists than ever, thanks to the Iraq war.

I had forgotten that invading Iraq was the cause of all these terrorists.

Worse, these terrorists have invented time machines!(probably out of captured parts from American military equipment in Baghdad.) How else to explain the way they have been attacking us since 1979?

[Marcos Dollerer]

Hahahahaha. The only real problem is if you drink soda talking over the cellphone while on a plane having oral sex!
Oh yes, you must be a vegan too.

[John B]

I am a diet coke addict. I just wanted to share my recent realization that it is much more ecologically friendly to consume the stuff out of 2 liter bottles than cans. Try it.

[Srini]

Nice sleigh of hand. Not as funny as the Sudanese goat or Bush's tush or the bull schadenfraude though...

I know a foolproof way to break your Coke addiction. Make sure you have 3-4 Mentos' in your mouth before taking the first big gulp....

And boo to all those a**es who took valuable time off researching rebutttals to those tongue in cheek smoke and mirrors

[Leushenko]

Hah! Hah! I knew it! Scott Adams not only smokes, Dilbert is funded by tobacco companies and is secretly planning to overthrow the British government as punishment for banning smoking! It's amazing how obvious this is when explained in terms of Iraq.

[Henri Kwakman]

Diet coke seems to cause bone disease in women. I steer clear of it as much as I can, and I'm a diabetic. I choose for different diet drinks.

[Dalebert]

No, I think you're pretty spot on with most of those observations, Scott. People scare very easily. The real threats to our safety just aren't very exciting, like being in a standard car accident or dying of heart disease.

[Linda Leisz]

My dad doesn't even know how to turn his cell phone OFF and he travels by plane all the time - so far, no plane crashes. He has just been turning the volume down and assuming that was sufficient.

[Christopher Edwards]

Well if there is a small link between asparatame and heart disease, I would like to make this conjecture

There is a large link between heart disease and being fat.
There is a large link between being fat and eating fatty foods.
There is a large link between eating fatty foods and drinking diet coke because it makes your fat ass not look so fat (to you anyway).

So along the chain, there becomes a small link between heart disease and apsparatame.

I'm sure such logic can be used to connect smoking to anorexia or many other crazy things scientists like to show us are linked.

[Bradley Gardner]

I get a somewhat similar reaction to the "Apples are poisonous" line... my mother, who is a medical professional, told me that its sheer nonsense that apples have a little bit of arsenic in them, but she can't seem to explain why most of my friends get violent cramps after eating 3-4 apples, or drinking a similar number of bottles of apple juice.

I have gotten cramps by swimming after eating before... it was rather painful, though not death inducing...

From what I understand you can get aids from oral sex in the same way you can get aids from shaking hands. If he has a cut on his penis, and she a cut in her mouth, Or if two people have cuts on their hands, you can get aids. It seems the blood to blood contact is more likely in vaginal sex and/or the butt kind.

[Mouse K. Teer]

Hey, Caio?

You want a spokesperson for death from second hand smoke?

Her name is Healther Crowe.
http://www.smoke-free.ca/heathercrowe/FAQ.htm

Read this. And weep.

[Mouse K. Teer]

Anything with aspartame immediately make meand my kids immediately ill. Even gum.
I started observing folks in the workplace who guzzle Diet coke or anything with aspartame, and they always seem to be off sick, or have stress issues, ulcers, etc.

Studies and internet myths/scare tactics aside, all I know is i feel a hell of a lot better when I stay away from the damn stuff.

[Cathy]

Ya gotta love a blog that debates the motives of Al Quaeda with the safety of Diet Coke with equal fervor. Plus oral sex, AIDS, swimming and cell phones. God Bless America.

[Joe Dz...]

Re a couple of your points:

- On AIDS and oral sex, the CDC says it's possible, and there have been a few cases of transmission. See http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm. (And I expect that one can trust the CDC when it comes to health questions, unlike cartoonists.) I also recall a story on NPR about ten years ago about the first case found of a man who got HIV purely from receiving oral sex, though I don't have a reference for that.

- The FCC notes at http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/cellonplanes.html that the reason for the no-cellphone rule is not to keep from crashing the plane, but to keep from interfering with cell networks on the ground. (Though since I'm sharing vague memories, I recall that they started the "shut off electronic gear during takeoff and landing" rule when it was suspected that one particular crash was caused by interference with the avionics of the plane due to a passenger's electronic equipment. That has to be about 20 years ago now. I don't recall seeing any more recent studies on that.)

I'll note that the two links above were both found with one Google search.

[John Barrow]

Interesting as always, funny how you often ask the same Q's I do, and I've been trying to find answers....

Eating and swimming: one person mentioned the reflux of food, problem with both surgery and mouth to mouth resus, thus the old wives tale but some loose basis in reality

Cell phones: as some have mentioned, interference issues only (static on the radio)

AIDS: interesting one. My wife is an Infectious diseases doctor. SO some rough facts (only because I have old folks moments, so dont quote me on these but they are closer to the truth than you'll get form most).
Yes you can get AIDs from salivia, you need a cup or more though.... yum?
Its about 1 in 1000 through unprotected hetero sex
1 in 30 through anal sex (there is often bleeding and thin cell walls so easy transfer, thus the greater risk).

Al Q - funny, the US military had a brain storming session on forms of war (these people came up with ARPAnet, so no slouches). Basically they came up with 4 forms (linear, like the old greeks, tactical like Napoleon, infiltation like the Germans in WW2 (Blitzkrieg) and then 4th generation warfare (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourth_generation_warfare) Basically idealogical warfare not based on state or borders. Hey sounds like the blue print for Al Q.....

Aspartame, hmm, interesting case in New Zealand at the moment, the girl has become the new poster child for the cause..
http://www.healthy.co.nz/healthy-developments-news-item-527.htm

Vegetarians- need to carefully manage their diet to ensure they get the minerals (mainly metals) that they miss from meat. Yes, you do get vege's in hospital with deficiences. Oddest one I heard of was 'salt is bad', so someone cut it out altogether and died (in Wellington NZ, true story from my wife).

[GeordieHalfBreed]

I have a veggie friends admitted to hospital due to acute anaemia, brought on by her diet. Does that count?

[Diet Mike]

I was a Diet Coke junky (6 pack a day easily) until about 15 years ago when I gave it up cold turkey (it was a week from hell as others have mentioned). I got the inspiration one morning when I was standing in front of the Grand Canyon during sunrise and all I could do was think about feeding my Diet Coke jones. It was really pathetic. I decided to quit. In addition to getting the monkey off my back I stopped having those roller coaster high energy/low energy moments through out the day.

If you need to make a life changing commitment, standing in front of the Grand Canyon does a nice job of putting it all perspective.

[Harry Buttle]

"Have you ever heard of an adult vegetarian being hospitalized because of protein deficiency?"

yep, I used to work with a vegitarian who used to get hospitalised for it regularly. no idea what happened to him in the long run though.

[Ginnie]

I have a friend that used to tell me all the time that my Diet Coke would kill me. My response? "Well, Diet Coke may kill me, but if I don't drink it, I will kill you." That usually shuts people up.

[Tony]

I have suspected a link between Diet beverages and obesity for a little while now myself. My theory is simple. Next time your in the line at the local fast food shop, have a look at the shape of the other people in line with you and their order. Virtually every one of the really obese ones has a diet drink. Their obesity may also be related to the 4 whole fried chickens, the 2 buckets of chips and the 9 deserts they order, but I believe it is the diet soda.