Top the Spokesman

In the news, a man named True is suing a company for allegedly lying. Meanwhile, a woman named Sage is trying to wisely explain why it’s not so much a lie as an expression of an unlikely event that some people interpret as a likely event, thus effectively lying to themselves.

http://www.detroitnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070706/AUTO01/707060350/1148

This is more evidence that your name determines your fate. I don’t know if anyone has ever studied this phenomenon, but I’m positive that if your last name is Chew, you’re more likely to be a dentist than a plumber. But that’s not my point.

In the above referenced story, a Honda Civic hybrid car owner initiated a class action suit against Honda for its EPA mileage estimate of 49 mpg highway and 51 mpg city. The hybrid Civic owner reportedly gets about 32 miles per gallon, which he believes is closer to the truth.

When I hear stories like that, I always imagine what I would say if I were the company spokesman. Sage Marie, the Honda spokesman, made the following points, essentially:

1. Hey, those are the EPA’s estimates, not ours. We say your mileage may vary.
2. We’re sure drivers can achieve 51 miles per gallon under certain conditions.
3. Hybrids get better mileage than regular cars.

Not bad. But it still comes off looking like the illegitimate spawn that is created when a weasel humps the living piss out of some other creature that also lies a lot. Here’s how I would have handled it if I were the Honda spokesman:

“It’s true that the EPA mileage estimates for all car brands are inflated, but we’re legally required to publish them. It’s our understanding that the EPA estimates are similarly inflated for all cars because of the testing method used. That makes the EPA estimates the only useful figures for comparing mileage. We agree with Mr. True that the EPA could adjust its testing to correspond better to real world driving conditions.”

Not bad, eh?

The problem with Honda’s approach is that sooner or later some wise-ass is going to start asking what sort of driving conditions you need to get 51 miles per gallon. At that point, Sage will have to describe a driving scenario that would meet that test. I worry for her that it might end up sounding like this:

“Well, let’s say the driver is someone light, such as Nicole Richie after taking a BB-sized dump. She’d also have to leave her purse home and drive naked, and shoeless, and shaved. Ideally, she’d be dehydrated and not sporting a Tampon. She’d also need to empty the glove box and leave the spare tire home. Okay, now assume she’s driving on a highway that’s mostly downhill, has no stop signs, stop lights, traffic, or bumps, and there’s an 80 mph tailwind. And assume it’s a relatively bug-free area.”

In the interest of not getting sued myself, let me say that I believe Honda Civic owners can get 51 miles per gallon under certain driving conditions. And I’m as curious as you are about what those conditions are.

Comments

[Maureen Kelly]

Wow, I think your use of the big T in "Tampon" is one of the top 3 oddest misuses of capitalization I've ever seen. We don't actually address them by name before, uh, sporting them, Scott.

[8th season simpsons]

Help the homeless down the street and persuade them to look for work

[candy cane tootsie roll pops]

I haven't been up to anything lately. I've just been letting everything wash over me recently. My life's been generally boring lately.

[pilsner beer glasses]

Today was a complete loss. I've just been hanging out doing nothing. I've more or less been doing nothing. I can't be bothered with anything recently. I guess it doesn't bother me.

[Amit G]

You drive for 32 miles and get out and push the car for 19 miles.
Voila! 51 mpg!!

[Phil Smith]

I used to drive a '79 Cadillac Sedan DeVille, during which time I learned that 425 cubic inches translates to exactly 7 liters. The car was sublimely ridiculous. Conversely, the driving experience was ridiculously sublime. It has since been crushed (sob).

Anyway, I would usually get 7 to 9 miles to the gallon, but on a highway trip I recorded a whopping 14...

Oh, and my wife's grandmother's gynecologist was named Dr. Goodhand.

[Henry in Ottawa]

My spouse and I get very different mileage on the same car. If I'm driving, I get about 11 litres per 100 km (weird Canadian mileage measure; high numbers are worse.) She gets closer to 13, about a one-eight difference.

[Alan Eschenbacher]

Thanks ... now I've got the image of Nicole Ritchie and a BB sized dump stuck in my head

[Bill]

Mileage-I get 29 MPG (US Gallon) for highway speed 70 mph ('99 escort wagon). The air conditioning on low (full cool recirculating at lowest blow) costs me 1.5 mpg. That's 1/8th of a gallon/hr and $0.38/hr to run the ac @ $3.00/gallon. The windows open cost more than 1.5 mpg.

Names-I had a Professor whose first and last name (Korean) as sounded was-*uck You (he used his middle name a lot). Hey, Dilbert's name in Elbonian could be "I have just finished bleeping your daughter".

[Josh]

I'm glad I don't have a hybrid... no batteries to worry about and I get 52 - 60 MPG on the highway. Only get about 42 - 45 in the city. Would be even better if my car didn't weigh almost 2 tons, but I do have the torque of a Subaru WRX STI. Top speed is only 140 mph or so, sadly.

I drive a 2003 Jetta TDI which cost me less than 1/2 the price of a hybrid.

[Mister Pants]

I had a dentist named Dr. Toothman. He comes from a long line of dentists, some of whom hail from Chewsville, Maryland.

[Jim]

I once had a dentist called Mrs Tingle.

My name is Jim, do you think I will work out?

[Paul G]

Sage is a guy, not a "her" The EPA estimates are being changed soon to more accurately reflect real world driving. All automakers will be required to post these new numbers on the sticker.

[matt]

Ahh, the appeal of this post to pastors and whores...

[matt]

Ahh, the appeal of this post to pastors and whores...

[Ariel]

"This is more evidence that your name determines your fate. "

Hmm..I guess that fits for a certain dentist I know, operating out of Fairbanks, AK, USA:

W. Lee Payne, DDS.

[Ted Wodoslawsky]

That's 51mpg for an American mile, right?

I just returned from Sweden where I learned that something that is "one mile away" is, in fact ten kilometers! That's right a Swedish mile equals ten kilometers. A quick conversion to U.S. miles, and you get 6.215 miles in a Swedish kilometer. A Hybrid Honda Civic will therefore, get at best 8.32mpg in Sweden.

[obscurifer]

My Civic Hybrid has averaged about 42 mpg for the last 11000 miles. On some trips, when I fill up right before getting on the highway, I can hit 50+ mpg if I put the cruise control on about 63 and if I never slow down. Also, it helps if the temp outside is such that I don't need the AC.

[Jared Kells]

I believe the name connection has been studied, you should read a book called freakenomics. Unfortunately the name doesn't really determine the person.

A person whose parents are prepared to call them couch is more likely to have shitty parents though so there is a correlation.

[Steve]

People don't always grow to resemble their names. In 1997 I had the good fortune to meet the Australian minister of gaming - the Right Honorable Dick Face. I'm sure I would have noticed.

[jmc]

How about the guy named Couch who went for a flight in his lawn chair with helium balloons, a'la Larry Walters?

http://www.c-n.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070710/FRONT01/70710012

[mike myers]

in 1991, i bought a new geo metro that was advertised at 50 mpg, and i consistently achieved that or better, my best was 59mpg on a long trip. i now have a 2000 metro and am averaging 48 mpg mostly highway, but some city driving. they can build fuel efficient autos if they want to, or more precisely, if people want to buy them

[Chris]

I like the point you touched upon, it merits further discussion.

Much the same, I'm convinced that a person's name dictates the way they look. I think that's why most babies look characterless until they've had a year or so of having their name called. Ever hear people say "Oh, you look like a Darren/Bob/Sheila etc"?

I think people grow into their names, much the same as the job thing you mentioned. Off topic I know but you started it :)

[Jess]

I get 51+ mpg on my civic hybrid pretty often, usually driving a steady 57-60 mph on a rural highway. In town I usually get at least 44, but whenever my mom drives the mileage drops significantly to maybe 35. Maybe I'm just a cooler person.

[Brad Bas]

Hybrids are definitely a positive first step but we as a society needs to ween ourselves off gasoline. Anyone been following the new BMW that runs completely off Hydrogen? Once the infrastructure is there, generating hydrogen to burn will definitely reduce global emissions.