Hoover Damned

Yesterday I experienced another freaky happening.  I had just started writing a post about time travel using focused gravitational fields to form a closed timelike curve, when a reader e-mailed me an article about a dwarf getting his penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner. Total coincidence!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070820/od_afp/entertainmentbritain

If you think the dwarf story has nothing to do with time travel, you’ve never been on stage with your penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner while a thousand people wait for the punch line. I’m reasonably sure time stood still for the dwarf.

The article was sketchy on the details, but apparently this performer – Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf – was embarrassed by the accident, yet he was not embarrassed by his regular act. This implies that there is a NON-embarrassing way to hump a vacuum cleaner in front of a crowd. If you aren’t curious to see Captain Dan’s act now, you’re dead inside.

I wonder if Captain Dan has trouble getting girls. On one hand, he’s famous. That must help. And the ladies do love a man with dust-free nuts. He’s got that working for him. On the other hand, when you have a Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson five nights a week, it sets the bar high. His girlfriends must be tired of hearing “Seriously. Have you even started yet?”

I suppose no one’s career goes exactly the way he plans it. I studied economics and ended up drawing cartoons. I’m guessing the dwarf went to law school and ended up having hot monkey sex with household appliances in front of drunks. That was my backup plan too, in case the comic thing didn’t work out. But now it would just seem like copying.

Speaking of copying, an Israeli physicist is trying to validate my theory that the universe is a gigantic spacetime donut, and your consciousness is like an ant walking toward the hole. (I posted about that last year.) The physicist doesn’t know he’s validating that theory. He thinks he’s solving a problem with time travel, but eventually he will realize the full implications of the donut. Assuming he can keep the dwarf away from it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20360859/

As Homer Simpson famously said, “Donuts: Is there anything they can’t do?”

Comments

[Jon]

Hig risk, High reward. Obviously his risk management plan didn't evaluate the consequences of getting his Johnson stuck in the pipe. Very Funny.

[Jyoti Ranjan Pani]

LMAO.....funny as hell......you made my day !!!!!

[Jyoti Ranjan Pani]

LMAO.....funny as hell......you made my day !!!!!

[Nedsworld]

What exactly would a successful outcome have entailed? And possibly... at what moment, during the divergence of events and expectations, specifically, did this become embarrassing?

[pjd]

Well, Nomi me old sasanach chum, if you get your facts right you would see that the pint size weirdo is actually ENGLISH.

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/news/tm_headline=i-caught-my-wee-man-in-a-vacuum&method=full&objectid=19665619&siteid=66633-name_page.html

The large part of the really pervy parts of the Fringe are generally performed by people from out side Scotland.

Don't want to get into this debate really as anyone out side the UK can never understand.

Anyway, fantastic post Scott (great name) haven't laugh so much since your last really funny one (which has been a while)

[Wanda Tinasky]

I'm dead inside.

[briand]

There's a sentence in the time travel story that reminded me of a pretty good Indie movie, Primer (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/). Where it mentions that the time machine couldn't go farther back than when the machine was invented. In the movie you would turn the machine on and then wait a few hours before you went in. Then you would later come out when the machine was turned on.

[le Big MAC]

"I’m guessing the dwarf went to law school and ended up having hot monkey sex with household appliances in front of drunks. "
Mr Adams,
if you're a British midget who porks the wet/dry vac and lets strangers watch, law school is probably not in your future. Just sayin'.

[chillgal]

"On the other hand, when you have a Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson five nights a week, it sets the bar high."

How many ways can a person write a sentence referring to sex and include the names of 3 presidents?!

THAT'S talent!

[Artie Strauss]

This is Captain Dan to major Tom, I coming in the Vac uum, and I'm floating in the most a peculiar way...

[workerant]

Absolutely bloody hilarious

[Doncaster]

I must admit forthright that i talk a lot about scotts blogs & dilbert a lot at office as a consequence people at office call me scotts bitch..which i don't really like.
But scott so many blogs on penis & masturbation are not helping me here ....
but u r funny

[Dave]

The question is: why does he have to REALLY put his dingdong inside the vacuum cleaner? It's a stage act... cannot he just PRETEND to have it inside??

Dave

[Srini]

In my mind there are other demon dwarves out there cursing Captain Dan's name- with the associated publicity he's got the demon dwarf market pretty much sown up.

Man, how bad is that! You spend maybe 10 years building up a thriving demon dwarf business only to have it yanked from under your feet (or hoovered away from your cock, so to speak)

Posted by: ShaunL | August 22, 2007 at 08:39 AM

--> Lol!!!

[Illithidbane]

There was recently (less than a month ago) a series of strips of the comic "Starslip Crisis" that involved a Tipler Cylinder and a Closed Timelike Curve propelling a ship back in time.

http://www.starslipcrisis.com/d/20070723.shtml
http://www.starslipcrisis.com/d/20070725.shtml

[Rich]

Homer thought of the donut shaped universe too. It was intriguing to Stephen Hawking, who Homer tried to stiff with the bar tab by-imi-tat-ing-his-com-pu-tors-voice.

[Kevin Kunreuther]

[If you aren’t curious to see Captain Dan’s act now, you’re dead inside.]

That statement is soooooooooo loaded.

[an Israeli physicist is trying to validate my theory that the universe is a gigantic space time donut, and your consciousness is like an ant walking toward the hole. (I posted about that last year.) The physicist doesn’t know he’s validating that theory. He thinks he’s solving a problem with time travel, but eventually he will realize the full implications of the donut.]

I'm taking time from my stupid reality-TV development project to compose a nomination letter to the Nobel Physics prize committee, citing the info from your blog. Anymore info you care to send to ensure your winning the prize, that'd be great, too. If you win, split the cash with me, okay? You'll have this honkin' great medal to flaunt at tennis matches, public restaurants and comic artists conventions (Yeah, hi, Greg Evans, isn't it, yes, hi, so like winning a Reuben, after four tries is all very nice, but "I've" got a Nobel Prize. For Physics. On the first nomination. Ha!)

[jeqp]

Speaking of embarassing genital moments...

A friend of mine did Fine Arts at uni (that's not the punchline). For one of the projects a fellow student did a performance art piece that involved nailing his scrotum to a table. A short time later, while drunk at a party, he decided to perform his piece again. They couldn't find a hammer, so he used a brick to hammer in the nails. What do hammers have that bricks don't? That's right... a claw to get the nails back out again...

[Suraj Bhardwaj]

...Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson... LOL!! One of the best from your stables!!!

[QwkDrw]

When you have a Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson, you usually need the trifecta: drunk, stupid, and on LSD.

Sorry, just commented to 2 posts at once -- it seems to work out.

[Nate]

>>Wouldn't that be "when you have a Hoover doing a Lewinsky on your Johnson", or do you know something I don't regard Bill?

There's more than one Clinton. Although I'm sure that's not who he meant, but just pointing that out.

[Spring]

Scott,
It’s always a treat to see how you relate science in everything.
You said: “I’m reasonably sure time stood still for the dwarf.”
Albert Einstein described relativity this way: “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”
You said: "…you have a Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson…"
I don't think Einstein had anything similar for that one.
Wow, you’re quite the copy-catter, and name dropper to boot! (<;

[Billy B]

If your wife doesn't want to sex you everyday you have no recourse but to masturbate or to cut your loses and dump her and move on. Life is like that, one lesson after another.
Billy B

[Billy B]

It's simple, everyone is fucking crazy and not getting enough sex because they are so wrapped up in consuming. Your wife and new kids have fucked you up because they are interested in consuming.

And you with your IQ didn't see that coming? You was thinking with your pecker wasn't you? Ha, ha, ha. You should have tried hookers where everyone understands the game and it's a lot less stressful and cheaper and you have more fun.
Billy B

[DWH]

Scott, stop giving women yet more ideas to torture us men with.
Man,"Want to have sex?"
Woman,"Yes, after you clean up with the vacuum."
Man,"Clean what?"
Woman,"Your Johnson."
Man,"Who the hell is Johnson?!,and what are you doing with him?"
Woman,"Don't you worry,I'm not doing anything with Johnson tonight."