Slap the Monk, eh?

My favorite story of the week, if not my entire life, involves China passing a law banning Tibetan monks from reincarnating without permission.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20227400/site/newsweek/

My first reaction was something along the lines of “Ha ha! You can’t regulate reincarnation!” Then I realized China manufactured every article of clothing I’m wearing, and I didn’t see that coming either. So maybe I should stop underestimating China for once. I’d like to go on record predicting China CAN control reincarnation if they set their minds to it.

Regulating reincarnation is a worthy goal. There are many benefits. For example, reincarnation would give the Chinese government a renewable source of spare parts:

Chinese Bureaucrat: “Hold still.”

Monk: “Please don’t remove my heart! I’ll die!”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “No worries. I’ve already signed form R-23 authorizing you to reincarnate.”

Monk: “As another monk?”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “As a dung beetle if you don’t stop squirming.”

I also wonder if crimes committed in this life will be punished in the next. For example, if you commit a crime, and coincidentally have a heart attack as you are being sentenced to jail, and reincarnate into poultry, can the judge order his bailiff to choke the chicken?

Cynics believe the real reason behind this Chinese law is to control the Dalai Lama’s impending reincarnation. I hope that’s not true, because it is exactly the sort of decision you should not trust to bureaucrats. It raises the ugly possibility that the next Dalai Lama will be, for example, a squirrel.

I don’t think I have to tell you that Tibetan monks have enough trouble already. They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” That has to get boring after a few decades.

The only possession of a Tibetan monk is a rice bowl. They aren’t even on the Victoria Secrets mailing list. If you have ever tried pleasuring yourself while looking at a rice bowl, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’d need at least two bowls for that, turned upside down, with a pebble on each of them. And I already told you Monks don’t own pebbles.

All I’m saying is the monks have a tough life. If they have to start worshipping a squirrel, things can only get worse. Imagine the teasing the little monks would get in school:

Chinese Bully: “Hey, Norbu, I hear your Dalai Lama is home playing with his nuts! Ha ha!”

And I imagine the Chinese schoolyard bullies of the future will be kids whose Dad’s work in the Department of Determining What You Reincarnate Into.

Chinese Bully: “Give me your lunch money, or else.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Or else what?”

Chinese Bully: “My dad will turn your dad into an ass monkey.”

Chinese non-Bully: “There’s no such thing as an ass monkey.”

Chinese Bully: “Oh yeah? My uncle works in the Department of Evolution, and we have a family reunion coming up.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Noooooooo!!!!!”

It could happen.

Comments

[Rangzen]

Quite saddening. Making fun of the people on the edge of systematic genocide by the Chinese regime.

[Nick]

I just caught wind of an event that just happened last night in DC. This "Pray for Peace" included performances by Graham Nash, David Crosby, Jackson Browne, and others. Speakers included A local radio station has pics, video and audio from the event. Check it out at www.idigbig.com.

[CaptainDan]

You misunderstand the two completely different definitions of "law". There are natural laws, and man-made laws.

Natural laws are scientifically proven, and are obeyed whether you like it or not. Such as the law of gravity. If you drop a piece of toast, it's gonna hit the floor, like it or not (which side down is a different law, and a whole different discussion).

Man-made laws are really more like rules, and have consequences to violating them. Like speeding. It's against the law, but you can still speed. You just are risking the consequences (fines, jail time, high speed chases, night stick shoved up your....anyway, you get the idea).

China is just looking for some revenue enhancement, just like the state police. "Hold it there buddy, I got you on the video surveillance reincarnating. Here's your court date to appear before the judge."

Hmmmm. "reincarnating" why does that sound dirty?

[h.f.]

I don't whether reincarnation exists. While I do doubt it's existence, I have no plans on making any definitive statements about its existence as such statements would be too bold and rash. I do not have enough metaphysical auhtority or knowledge of this universe to make such a claim.

While I am researching the role of religion in East Asian history, my knowledge of Tibetan Buddhism and Zen Buddhism is still rather superficial. At best, I know that
Tibetan lammas who choose to reincarnate must undergo a complex fasting and burning ritual. The fasting process is incredibly complex because only certain minerals may be consumed so to ensure that essential remains of the individual may be retained even after the burning. (There was an exhibit explaining the process in detail a few years back in s.f...I was still a kid then so a lot of the details escaped me)

Because the ritual is so complex,China can easily carry out their proposed policy by as you put it restricting religious freedom. It's not a matter of whether, as you argued, reincarnation exists, but whether China can actually do something to stop monks/lammas/priests from undergoing their ritual. If the proper ritual is not carried out, it could be detrimental to the faith (which is their motivation for their liberation cause)and future of Tibet.

Personally, I have to admit I'm rather indifferent to organized religion. The whole concept confuses me. It feuls conflict between and within religious groups. I don't know why organized religions still exists.

Sorry, I realize that my thoughts are rather scattered and not written in an organized fashion, but essentially, I just don't think that we should downplay the seriousness of the issue by offering jokes and hypotheticals that falsely generalize the issues at hand.

[Paul]

How, exactly? It may come as a surprise to you, but REINCARNATION DOES NOT EXIST.

Apart from your belief that you are able to state it doesn't exist. The implications are of what it will mean for buddhists in Tibet who believe in reincarnation and what this law will mean in terms of them recognising priests and lama's. It could be seen as a sign of trying to restrict religious freedom.

[Simon]

A post purely to try and make as much reference to masturbation as possible?
What possessed you Scott?

[PaS]

Scott
One of your funniest post ever (or at least since I've become addicted to your posts...). triple LOL

[h.f.]

I suggest you guys research how a Tibetan reincarnation is carried out before you make these comments. China can regulate the process. Simply dying is not sufficient for reincarnation. Don't just go by what your superficial knowledge of how the religion/philosophy actually works. I'm not trying to put people down, I'm just trying to promote academic enrichment.

In addition, if you have studied religion and its history in east asia, Tibetan monks were atrocious during the Yuan dynasty (13th).

If you look at things objectively, then, neither China or Tibet is free of sin. There are historical underlayings here.

btw to those who believe in a free tibet, how deep does your knowlege of the cause go? are you aware that actual tibetans are often oppressed by the tibetan elite?

I don't support China or Tibet, but I think as global citizens we should all try to at least understand the history of the issues before making any assessments of our own. and don't rely solely on the media. use your noggin and read some academic articles/texts.

[Sanjeev]

What can I say.... the Chinese officials probably will get on the job of preventing reincarnations right after they finish "cleansing" the internet!

http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSPEK8130920070423

[Aqua]

For "I am Chinese": The issue here is not about people trying to separate Tibet from China. The issue is about China illegally occupying Tibet and committing grave human rights injustice and cultural genocide in Tibet. I wonder how ppl in the Chinese govt can go to sleep peacefully at night when they have:
1. kidnapped the true re-incarnation of the Panchen Lama. Gendun Choekyi Nyima, XIth Panchen Lama is probably the world's youngest political prisoner. kidnapped at age 6. He is 18 now. http://www.savetibet.org/campaigns/pl/index.php
2. Illegally occupied Tibet since 1956.
3. denied a fair trail to Tulku Tenzin Delek and other current Tibetan political prisoners.

I am Tibetan, and we will never forget. So the Chinese may kick and scream about Tibet and "separatist" activities, but the truth will prevail. and Tibet will be free someday!

[latsot]

"This is a story that could have serious human rights consequences"

How, exactly? It may come as a surprise to you, but REINCARNATION DOES NOT EXIST. Even if it did, how would a government trying to ban it prevent it from actually happening? This is the point Scott was making using a thing called 'humour', which you might want to read about.

[thearbitcouncil]

/// They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” ///

that's gold, scott, gold.

i swear that is the 2nd funniest thing i've ever read on the internet.. the first being a comment in a news about how a man got a rod stuck in his head.

[XTC]

Ass monkey.

ROFLMAO.
Thanks for that. =D

[Karen]

you just wanted to say "choke the chicken"

[Enough Wealth]

I had been thinking about getting an additional life insurance policy to fund cryonic suspension (just in case medical science doesn't extend life span as fast as we might like). Now I realise that I'd better also apply for a licence to reincarnate from the Chinese government. By the time there's a cure for whatever it is that eventually kills me, and someone gets around to defrosting my corpsical, the People's Democratic World Government is likely to be running the joint. Without the proper paperwork it might be a short trip straight from the deep freeze into the crematorium.

Regards
http://enoughwealth.com

[Damian Kumor]

Free Tibet.

[Smartyboy]

finally sm gud..partially dirty humor..welcom bak!

[Noah Vaile]

Yes what if the new Dalai Lama is Mao I. Naise, scion of the Chinese bureaucrocracy?

China is a DICTATORSHIP!! in which the people are treated like things and there is little to no respect for human rights and even human needs. They produce cheap goods very cheaply and we buy them providing a significant profit margin. These profits do trickle down to the Chinese manufacturers and the more unscrupulous among them are seeking to increase their own share via use of even cheaper (and dangerous) materials.

There are few rules in China the primary one being "don't get caught." As in any totalitarian regime being caught is the only true crime. If you are caught you are killed, This also weeds out the careless, stupid and unlucky from the ever shrinking yet still huge gene pool.
Further, with their "no child has a sibling" birth program. they are an aging and unhappy society. Finally the fact that girl children are less valued than boys there are too few females in China giving the country a surfeit of young males who have a lot of young male energy giving the entire country a tendency towards violent and aggressive behavior. A nation of older aging people led by old men with an underclass of angry, sex-starved, aggressive young men with nothing to do. What do they have to lose? Ouch!

[Jiri Novotny]

Damn, you made me laugh out loud for the first time, even Dilbert couldn't do that. I want more :D

[I am a Chinese]

The truth is that those monks are always trying to seperate Tibet out of China.
This law may sound absurd, but the true object is to protect our country from seperating. And that can be understood by every Chinese.
I like the cartoon very much, but I'm sorry to see there are so much Dilbert fans attacting mu country in their comments.

[I am Chinese]

The truth is that those monks are always trying to seperate Tibet out of China.
This law may sound absurd, but the true object is to protect our country from seperating. And that can be understood by every Chinese.
I like the cartoon very much, but I'm sorry to see there are so much Dilbert fans attacting mu country in their comments.

[felize]

Permission??
What cracks my head most about this thing is that Scotts reference as well as the Newsweek article say that the monks are to be "banned ... from reincarnation without government permission". Did the Chinese government really push this farce that far to create some kind of "permission process" that pretends to make it possible to have one´s reincarnation approved by a legal process? And how are the monks supposed to transfer their permission into their next reincarnation? Bury it some place that only they know about?

[ipsissimus_clay]

Ha! Finally I know what 'Ohm ahne padme hum' actually means. 'Jewel in the Lotus' my ass.

[Sameer]

Scott, this is what your blog readers WANT. This post is a gem. So here is a suggestion: just pick one news article everyday and let your thoughts run wild on it. Chances are high that it will be funny like this post is.. (as opposed to trying to educate the world with your philosophy or trying to commercialize someone's comic strips).

[Dexter]

To put it simply its the posts like this one that makes me want to waste my most productive hours of day in reading your blog, thanks scott at least you help keep us alive..
hail scott......