Slap the Monk, eh?

My favorite story of the week, if not my entire life, involves China passing a law banning Tibetan monks from reincarnating without permission.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20227400/site/newsweek/

My first reaction was something along the lines of “Ha ha! You can’t regulate reincarnation!” Then I realized China manufactured every article of clothing I’m wearing, and I didn’t see that coming either. So maybe I should stop underestimating China for once. I’d like to go on record predicting China CAN control reincarnation if they set their minds to it.

Regulating reincarnation is a worthy goal. There are many benefits. For example, reincarnation would give the Chinese government a renewable source of spare parts:

Chinese Bureaucrat: “Hold still.”

Monk: “Please don’t remove my heart! I’ll die!”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “No worries. I’ve already signed form R-23 authorizing you to reincarnate.”

Monk: “As another monk?”

Chinese Bureaucrat: “As a dung beetle if you don’t stop squirming.”

I also wonder if crimes committed in this life will be punished in the next. For example, if you commit a crime, and coincidentally have a heart attack as you are being sentenced to jail, and reincarnate into poultry, can the judge order his bailiff to choke the chicken?

Cynics believe the real reason behind this Chinese law is to control the Dalai Lama’s impending reincarnation. I hope that’s not true, because it is exactly the sort of decision you should not trust to bureaucrats. It raises the ugly possibility that the next Dalai Lama will be, for example, a squirrel.

I don’t think I have to tell you that Tibetan monks have enough trouble already. They sit around all day in their bathrobes chanting whatever the Tibetan words are for “I wish I had Internet, I wish I had Internet.” That has to get boring after a few decades.

The only possession of a Tibetan monk is a rice bowl. They aren’t even on the Victoria Secrets mailing list. If you have ever tried pleasuring yourself while looking at a rice bowl, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’d need at least two bowls for that, turned upside down, with a pebble on each of them. And I already told you Monks don’t own pebbles.

All I’m saying is the monks have a tough life. If they have to start worshipping a squirrel, things can only get worse. Imagine the teasing the little monks would get in school:

Chinese Bully: “Hey, Norbu, I hear your Dalai Lama is home playing with his nuts! Ha ha!”

And I imagine the Chinese schoolyard bullies of the future will be kids whose Dad’s work in the Department of Determining What You Reincarnate Into.

Chinese Bully: “Give me your lunch money, or else.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Or else what?”

Chinese Bully: “My dad will turn your dad into an ass monkey.”

Chinese non-Bully: “There’s no such thing as an ass monkey.”

Chinese Bully: “Oh yeah? My uncle works in the Department of Evolution, and we have a family reunion coming up.”

Chinese non-Bully: “Noooooooo!!!!!”

It could happen.

Comments

[the man in the trout mask]

Form 11D/2b(GP) - Application to reincarnate.

Please complete the following:
(1) Previous incarnations: (a)from....to....
(b)from....to....
(2) Reasons for desiring further reincarnation

(3) Have you ever undergone an unauthorized reincarnation?
Please explain:

(4) If granted permission to reincarnate please describe form that this incarnation would take and why.

Please return completed application to:

Bureau of Personality Management
Licensing Department
Attn. Peoples Comissar for Future Lives
Beijing

[Paul]

You do often simplify a situation so that you can make it amusing, which regularly works well. In this case I think you've crossed the line into ignorance, and seem to be assuming that Tibetans have Western values and are longing to be better and more..um...American

This is a story that could have serious human rights consequences, and it's probably worth more than a couple of incredibly contrived masturbation jokes.

Not up to your usually high standard.

[kritika joshi]

You sounded so much like Harry Potter. Department of magic huh :-)

[Seth]

I think Scott would do best if he converted to a 3-panel format, a la Penny Arcade (www.pennyarcade.com).

Penny Arcade's basic format is something like, first frame has a situation; second frame, situation procedes logically towards humor; and the third frame, it throws everything completely on edge.

It shouldn't be too hard to reformat most of his comics into a three panel format by combining either 1+2, 2+3, or 3+4. While he does have a gift for humor, chance are not every joke in each panel is as strong as some of the other panels. Giving more focus to the stronger panels will increase the overall strength of the comic.

Just my opinion.

[Raza Khan]

Seriously Scott, what did u drink today instead of diet coke?

[Aditya Simha]

Oh my god! That has got to be the most absurd rule EVER! A law to control reincarnation? But I always thought the commies never believed in reincarnation; why control something you don't believe in?

This is just another plan to "integrate" Tibet into China; that's all it is!

[Paris]

It will be be the fall of the Western World as we know it.

[Anshuman]

Amazing line of thought you have, I must say! I am really impressed...I was already your fan and I have yet again become one...keep these "General Nonsense" coming...

Thanks

[Jason Allen]

Tibet was traditionally ruled by monks believed to be reincarnated spirits of past leaders. The Dali Lama is an example. The Chinese have interfered with the Tibetan government since it invaded in the 1960s. Children believed to be the reincarnated spirit of past important leaders sometimes "disappear." Other times, the Chinese government claims a different child is the real person reincarnated with that spirit.

Outlawing the act of reincarnation without prior authorization is just another attempt at controlling Tibetan politics. It's quite pathetic.

[BTTFVGO]

I had to reread the post, and caught a little more than I did the first time. Wow. Your mind is like a master's playground... or um, like Norm Abrams and Bob Villa's workshop.

You can take anything and turn it into something a million times better! Excellent job. I truly commend your sense of humor, as, sadly, I can relate to you a lot more than you know.

I only have 13 Dilbert books at the moment, but will have them all. You work has always been an inspiration, as I've been reading Dilbert for years.

Hey Scott, ask Dogbert when a new newsletter is coming out! I know it's a lot to ask and all, but as each book tells you to join the DNRC, it's like a tradition. The newsletter MUST go on.

You're the man, Scott.

[rd]

poor monks, no empathy for them here
but they always have a choice to give bribe to the official regulating them and reincarnate into f.e angels
whilst the bribee would get caught by his brethren and shot for bribery
it's not that i'm endorsing such a cruel fate for another human being, c'est la vie and human nature and the chinese created circumstances
clothes are OK by now, but what if you'll get forced to speak chinese at the end of your life in say 10-20-30 yrs period, that's a very real threat
but whatever
since my senses are failing, humor sense including
and i'm lazy to look up pebble, choke and else
must be all something witty
hope you'll get enlightened accidentally by checking this out
http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2007/08/creation-and-destruction-of-sand.html

[Gleetnorx]

Well, you understand, HH the 14th Dalai Lama has already made comments about the possibility of the next Dalai Lama incarnating outside of Tibet, which would be a smart move, considering that ...

the Chinese have been manuvering for years over various Tulkus(reincarnations of prominent Rinpoche's etc), attempting to get their own puppet versions installed around Tibet.

Just like petty tyrants, to think they can control it all.
Control this, Peoples Republic of china: (_!_)

[Mac]

There's one problem with your last scenario - the one child policy.

That means no sisters or brothers in this generation.
And no uncle or aunts in the next one.
etc.

Family reunions wouldn't be particularly exciting.

Sadly, that leapt out at me as the only implausible part of the entire scenario.

Mac

[Matt]

This is a little more insidious than it seems. The Dalai Lama will die within the next 20 years or so. At that time the Tibetan monks will start searching for the baby that is his re-incarnation who will be the new (latest form) of the Dalai Lama. This is not only for the big guy, but many important personages within their religion are replaced this way. This law can effectively allow the Chinese government to imprison any replacement that the Tibetan monks put forward for their heirarchy. What appears to be a humourous story actually has a serious human rights and freedom of religion implication.

[Don]

Ha! You're just damn funny once in a while. :o)

[Iain]

I think you were trying a bit too hard with this one. Keep it subtle, it's more amusing. :-)

[Tim Martin]

When the Chinese military acting under orders of the Chinese government did the dirty deed in 1959 they destroyed what I understand to be the most advanced piece of technology ever to appear on this backward little planet: the magnificent reincarnation machine in wuthering Tibet. They shot it up with automatic rifles, like a zillion rounds. I just wish they had stolen it like I wish someone had stolen the library at Alexandria instead of burning it. I still think that action in Tibet was the worst crime of my lifetime. If the fucking Chinese had dismantled and transported the device to their own location this law wouldn't be a scam nor a joke: It might be an industry selling authentic immortality.
By the way humans on this planet do not reincarnate as animals on this planet, while energy is neither created nor destroyed coherency is easily lost through living an incoherent life. Frequently humorous fuck-ups reincarnate as 2 dimensional cartoon figures invisible from the sideview.

[RunningFool]

I thought your silly, brainless, masturbation-pun-filled posts were supposed to be on Sundays.

[D. Mented]

Tibetan monks have internet. I think the head lama sets the settings, though, so they have to be really persuasive if they want porn. There could be a few Tibetan Buddhists reading this blog right now, but if they are, they're not supposed to log on with names like "Ima T. Betinmonk" when they post.
The thing you need to understand about Tibetan Buddhism is that it comes from the Indian mystic tradition that included sexual tantra. They're trying to transform themselves to be happier, more understanding, better sense of humor, compassion, that sort of thing. It's hard to do that if you can't have any fun at all.
As for only owning a rice bowl, they're also allowed to have a teacup. They don't mind about lots of other stuff because the money all goes to religious paintings and statues. They're really pretty, and they have Dakinis in them. Look up "Dakinis" if you want to see pictures of beautiful naked women with fangs and weapons dancing around or having sexual congress with the Bodhisattvas.
...Like I said, the monks don't need lots of stuff in their own little cells, because they're always down in the meditation hall contemplating the inspiring religious images.
D. Mented

[BTTFVGO]

I've heard it all.........

[Goggles]

ah, Scott. I think you have just made my week.

[Andrew]

Imagine if the next Dali Lama was reincarnated in the USA.

Imagine if this was the event that triggered serious hostilities between China and the Western World.

Going to war over a reincarnated squirrel arguement. It could happen.

[nnam]

if the criminal has a heart attack while being sentenced, and then reincarnates as an ape, do you think the judge would then order the bailiff to spank the monkey.

hehehehehehehehehehe

[Sean]

Horny camel kills woman... Sounds like ripe blogging materials for Scott.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/20/camel.death.ap/index.html?eref=rss_world

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) -- An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present, police said Sunday.

The 10-month-old male -- weighing about 330 pounds -- had knocked her to the ground then lay on top of her in what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said.

[Chris Hulley]

Banning reincarnation is a very funny concept.

I only saw one person raising what the real issue is, so I thought I would clarify it. Sorry this isn't humorous, anyone who MUST have a joke should stop reading now.

The way Dalai Lamaship is passed on is, when the Dalai dies, the senior monks go around looking at babies that have just been born, and when they find the one they reckon contains the Dalai's reincarnated soul, they choose him to be the next Dalai Lama. (For some reason, the Dalai doesn't seem to reincarnate as a girl.)

Since reincarnation is now illegal, if the monks try to do this, they can probably be prosecuted, and the baby can be taken away and something horrible done to it.

This legislation makes it effectively impossible for there to be a new religious leader in Tibet chosen from the population. A new Dalai can still be chosen as the Dalai says "he will not reincarnate in Tibet", but he will not be Tibetan. This will have an enormous impact on Tibetan religion and Buddhism within Tibet. It remains to be seen if the organisation will survive. This is China's objective.

If you're Catholic, a similar thing would be the banning of Apostolic Succession. Then, when the current pope is going to die and a successor is chosen, the successor is taken away and shot. If you're a Catholic, this has enormous impact. If not, the politcs should disturb you.

One of the plus sides of Buddhism is it is the most peaceful philosophy there is. The down side is, it cannot easily defend itself from attacks like this - or any other.

For all those who've kept on reading but would still like a joke, here's my "thank you" ...

"What did the Dalai Lama say to the hotdog salesman?"
"Make me one with everything"