May 2008

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« Invent Your Own Cuss Phrases | Main | Donut Theory of the Universe Proven »



No, no, no ... I don't have time to completely explain the analogy's imperfection right now.

In a second, I'm meeting with a pod of monkeys in the backyard to arrange for my sale and their purchase of this year's projected crop of Fall leaves on my property -- they're into futures.


'Tis a beautiful system, isn't it? Greed + hubris = capitalism. We all want more than we have, we all think we can do it better than the other guy and we're not afraid to spend money trying to prove it.

I love this system!

the man in the trout mask

I'm opening up a pizza place soon - "The Garlic Monkey" - actually,it will be a combination restaurant/dry cleaning store - fully integrated with tables,cleaning machines,ovens and presses all in the same area - foodstuffs and clothing, cooking ingredients and cleaning solvents will be distributed at random - the menu will include dry cleaning prices. The employees will be cross trained and skilled in all areas - the chef will also press pants,waiters will make alterations etc. - and there will be a continuous and free flowing interchange of duties.
Also,business hours will be flexible and varying - we could be open 72 hrs.straight or 30mins a day.

Also,free mittens might be available.

Hope to see you soon.


Your today's comic is hilarious


Check out this site for a great way to counter-act those 'inspirational' posters:

They have a large selection of 'Demotivators', posters that celebrate the futility of everything. Some of them are hilarious...

My favorites are:


I think I'll order a calendar made of these, I just hope they don't screw it up, or go out of business before I get it.


Same with movie-making many of them don't make money but still they have to be made so that one movie will luck out.


We are also breeding lesser quality humans. Those of us with poor eyesight have a better shot at survival and reproduction since the invention of corrective lenses.

You can be born with one of your major organs on the outside of your body, and they'll just put right back in. Does that defect get passed down?


If the monkeys use leaves for money, soon they will burn down all the forests to control inflation.


It seems to me that nature works exactly like captialism. I'd bet over 90% of the species that have ever existed are now extinct, but like the failed start-ups, have contributed to the success of those that are not (mostly by being eaten). It all works out :)


And I thought you read fellow comic Pearls Before Swine!

And don't you read books either? They already tried leaves in The Restaraunt at the End of the Universe. Massive inflation ensued, and the solution was to burn down the forests so the leaves they had on them would skyrocket in value. They also declared war on a uninhabited landmass......and became the anscetors of us humans. It sounds funny when I write it because Douglas Adams is already funny.


Capitalism is abstract. As a culture, we succeed so well at fulfilling our basic needs that it gives us the freedom to fail at endeavors that are ultimately irrelevant.

While ML (Moron Lion) deaths might not stimulate the lion, er, "economy", they absolutely work to strengthen the lion as a species.

I may be misquoting you something awful, but didn't you one say you failed at %90 of your personal endeavors, but it was %10 success rate that really mattered?

The other lesson I took from this post is that in an economy of white collar labor and intellectual property, it's all too easy to rest on the laurels of one's "ideas". Theory is bullshit. Execution, everything.


As a former business owner my best advice to 90% of the blindly optimistic entrepreneurs out there is: Own the building you're operating out of. Do not under any circumstances pay rent or sign a lease. That way when your business fails, as 99.8% ultimately do, you'll be able to cash-in your equity and not be totally broke.


In my Church, The First Church of Experimental Metaphysics, Garlic mittens are a part of the rubbing ceremony.

The Needler

You speak for the entrepreneurial world and "The Peter Principle" speaks for the corporate world. Remember "The Peter Principle"? I still think that it is an inspired concept; everyone rises to their own level of incompetence.

jerry w.

Someone's already making garlic flavored mittens?

Crap, back to the drawing board.

Anyone interested in a shitload of garlic?

Some already wrapped in mittens?


You _must_ check out the offerings at


I've read somewhere that ants do not really cooperate when dragging a caterpillar into their anthill. Instead, they all pull in whatever direction they want. The caterpillar ends up in the anthill because the forces applied average out.



You've hit on why capitalism works and socialism/communism doesn't:

A few million morons will make better decisions, on average, than a few thousand morons.

We may lose money on every business, but we make it up in volume!


An obvious sign monkeys have been using leaves as money for some time is when you see people posting "invented" cuss phrases on this post.

Doug Withau

This is why capitalism is better than any of the other 'isms (communism and socialism). It is a million monkey's thing. You can not let a small group decide what is and is not a good idea. No one really knows.
It is best for everyone, us poor performers and the high flyer's, to let anyone try any idea that strikes their fancy. Some lucky bastard will be Bill Gates. The rest of us can work for him.
What really makes the USA great is the fact you can go bankrupt 5 times and still buy a house, car, and get a pizza franchise loan.
I for one am glad that China and India have huge corrupt bureaucratizes. It is the only thing saving my lazy, fat American butt. You can't start a business or go bankrupt without three bribes and six official stamps. I just have to run by the county clerks office at lunch. Sweet!

Sam Davis

Depends on which aspect of the capitalist system you're looking at, and, for that matter, which companies, how old the companies are, and what they do, etc.

In my experience, smaller and newer businesses tend to be much more, shall we say, thoughtful about such things than large ones. And service companies, Southwest Airlines and FedEx come to mind instantly, tend to be downright mindful in a Buddhist way. (I can't imagine Fred Smith's crew doing anything that chintzy, ever. FedEx has, btw, a facility in California that's nearly 100% solar powered. That's fairly mindful. Southwest, flying fewer flights and all of them domestic, is making more money than the "big" airlines, the latter seeming to stay in Chapter 11 all the time.)

Another factor: there's a difference between truly capitalist (i.e., free market) companies and "rent-seekers." The latter are companies which use political means to get their money - defense contractors, agribusinesses, etc., all on the federal dole - or various professions that protect themselves from too much competition through state licensing laws.

The "rent-seekers" tend to have corporate or business cultures much like government bureaucracies, with the corresponding level of attention to detail, quality and customer service: in other words, slim and none.

Billy Arvia


The thing that always amazes me is the support industries that grow up around these failures. Someone starts a willie waxing boutique and immediately a pubic hair cleaning shop opens next door with a nut polishing parlor across the street. Then,the willie waxer goes out of business followed by the pubic hair cleaner and, amazingly, the nut polisher thrives and turns it into a franchise operation. People then wonder where the gonad guru got his idea from.

I can't wait to see how many comments you get on this. I will guess not many. The more intelligent the posting, the less comments there are (until you appease the majority by a posting like cuss words - 700 comments and still climbing). I get very few comments on my serious or political blogs but devote a whole column to flatulating...

Mukund Mohan

"My own career has been a long string of failures and a few notable successes."

I like the humility with a sure hint of truth.

mjc jr

Nice piece today. Sounds like a bit of subject matter for those Freakonomics guys. (Freakonomists? Freakonomicists?)

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