Giant Penises Save the Planet

Have you ever heard of a Stirling engine? According to Wikipedia, they look like huge male genitalia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stirling_engine

I mention this only because these huge penis engines can save the world by being placed in deserts and used to create cheap electricity from the heat of the sun.

http://www.wired.com/science/planetearth/news/2005/11/69528

As you can see from the story, big companies are building Stirling engine farms to capture the sun’s energy more effectively than photovoltaic panels. This could work, but it’s not the economic model that will set us completely free. Let me tell you what is: Giant penis engine co-op investments.

Let’s say the next president of the United States fast-tracks the following concept: Any company can buy a bunch of land in the desert, and start building Stirling engine farms that connect to the country’s electrical grid. The genius part of my idea is that individual investors can own one specific penis engine and the profits from it. The organizer of the venture just rents the space and provides maintenance, insurance, administration, and installation for the devices.

This economic model is much better than having it all done by big companies. People want to help the country become energy independent, and they are frustrated that big corporations don’t seem to be doing enough to make it happen. However, if you told me I could own my own clean energy generator, and make money too, almost guaranteed, I’d be all over it. I’d feel like I was helping the country and sticking it to the big oil companies and terrorists at the same time. You couldn’t build these penis engine farms fast enough to satisfy investor demand.

And here’s the best part. The organizing company for these energy farms would provide real-time data on the performance of your penis engine, direct to your computer, so it could show your profits as they happen. When it’s night in the desert, your profit counter slows to zero. When the sun comes up, it starts spinning with dollar signs.

How fucking cool would that be?

Investing is fun, but you rarely get to see the money being made in real time, without any serious risk of loss. Unlike stocks, your profits would never reverse direction. As long as the sun comes up, your counter starts spinning and your bank account fattens.

The organizing company could also provide video of the penis engine farm so you can watch your investment, and see that it is being maintained. If my counter stops spinning, I want to check the video and see that it’s because the maintenance crews are washing down the solar dish.

The power of this idea is in the psychological impact. I can invest in Southern California Edison, and get a piece of their action for the penis engine farms they are building, but it wouldn’t feel as real. I wouldn’t get the same charge as owning my own physical penis engine and watching the meter run.

The reason so many people recycle is, in my opinion, because it’s such a tangible act. Every time you carry your empty bottles and used newspapers to the curb, you feel like a good citizen. If you could accomplish the same benefit to the Earth through some sort of purely financial transaction, compliance would be much lower. People want immediate feedback that their good acts are helping the world.

Huge penis engines are the answer. The government would have to clear a bunch of red tape, in all likelihood, and probably need to fund some infrastructure to connect the desert penis farms to the national power grid, but it’s all doable.

I say it’s time to erect some penises. Who’s with me?

Comments

[water filters]

Great idea. These engines are used in submarines.

[Inyo]

Appropriately enough, you could combine them with the San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant which consists of two domes shaped like perky boobs, complete with nipples.

[101 Ways to Save the Planet]

Funny - I love to read, laughm etc. Thanks.

But the bottom line is we all could be doing a little better in helping the earth along.

Some practical ways in this free eBook.

[M]

Dear evil genius, nothing says "explicit sex act" like an animation of a beta Stirling with a 'Rhombic drive':

http://www.grc.nasa.gov/WWW/tmsb/stirling/animation/anim_3.html

See you in hell, you dirty bastards!

[Berkana]

Sorry to bust your bubble, but the engine used in the SES solar collectors being erected in the desert by So. Cal. Edison are not the "penis engines", which are beta-Stirlings. The engines in So. Cal. are double-acting alpha-Stirlings.

[Berkana]

Sorry to bust your bubble, but the engine used in the SES solar collectors being erected in the desert by So. Cal. Edison are not the "penis engines", which are beta-Stirlings. The engines in So. Cal. are double-acting alpha-Stirlings.

[Listo Cómics]

You are good at Freudian marketing!

[Matthew Kovich]

Public School districts could hold fund raisers to buy a penis engine to be owned by the district, which would provide a constant stream of income (eventually offsetting the energy cost of operating the schools).

[David Haywood]

RE: Akshay's comments (and the wider issue of solar energy raised by Scott)

--- QUOTE BEGINS ---
"If you build a 1,000 MW coal plant, it runs all day and night, giving you an average of 975-990 MW with shutdowns.

If you build a 1,000 MW wind farm, you get about 300 MW, plus you will probably have to build another 1,000 MW power plant to supply energy when the wind doesn't blow (because someone still wants the power, even when on calm days). Don't mention all of the fat happy coyotes and not so happy dead birds.

If you build a 1,000 MW solar farm, obviously you will get less than 500 MW, plus again, you will have to have another plant to supply power during the night. Admittedly, this would help with peak usage during the day for nearby cities, but you might have to turn the tv off after dark."
--- QUOTE ENDS ---

This is a misleading (and, in places, factually incorrect) comment.

Yes, it's true that individual wind farms generate (as an annual average) about 30 per cent of their maximum rated capacity (i.e. a capacity factor of 0.3, as we say in energy engineering), but this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to back them up with coal thermal (or that they don’t generate electricity at all for 70 per cent of the time!).

Firstly, the capacity factor that Akshay cites for coal thermal (0.975-0.99) is much higher than any plant I've worked on (although I haven't worked on coal thermal in the US). A 2002 paper on this subject (S. Pacca and A. Horvath, Environ. Sci. Technol., 36, 3194-3200 (2002)) quotes an average capacity factor for coal of 0.78, which is more in line with my experience.

Secondly, (nearly) any electrical generation system has to have some power plants which vary their output for situations where electricity demand increases above base load levels (i.e. power plants that are deliberately designed to have a low capacity factor). Because of the available capacity from such plants, it is usually possible to integrate moderate amounts of wind energy into electrical networks with no additional backup required. In fact, quite substantial amounts of wind energy (20 per cent or so) can be integrated into most grids with only very small amounts of additional backup (see Dr Mark Diesendorf's paper which I cite later in this post).

Thirdly, another sensible approach (used in New Zealand, Norway, the UK, etc.) is to use wind farms in conjunction with existing hydro dams as an 'energy extender', i.e. in simplistic terms, when the wind is blowing you let the dams fill up. In other words, you use the wind turbines to increase the effective capacity of the dams. Even in the US there are a number of existing hydro dams (Hoover, etc.) to which this could apply.

Fourthly, Akshay's claims about large amounts of bird strike on wind turbines is simply untrue. This has been refuted in a number of academic journals, but Dr Mark Diesendorf at the University of New South Wales has written a good non-technical paper which deals with this myth (and many others about wind energy). Anyone interested in this subject should read it:

http://www.ceem.unsw.edu.au/content/userDocs/RefutingWindpowerFallacies.pdf

Fifthly, to return to the subject of solar thermal (and to refute Akshay's final point), there are two ways to implement these systems which require no additional plant backup at all:

1. Solar thermal systems can be designed to use heat from combusted fuels when the sun is not shining. Some of the solar Stirling machines trialled in Spain did this by burning natural gas to provide a heat input to the engines at night.

2. An even cleverer design for solar thermal system uses a steam (Rankine) engine. In this case, it's possible to store the solar-generated steam for later use when the sun is not shining, or even to allow the system to follow demand. This was done in the PS10 plant in Spain (to provide only one hour of storage, however). The Ausra solar thermal pilot plant in Australia can store steam for up to 20 hours, and *already* produces electricity at lower cost than gas in that country.

A short non-technical article on the Ausra solar thermal plant can be found here:

http://www.news.com/8301-10784_3-9719858-7.html

Incidentally, Ausra claim that a scaled-up version of their plant will operate with a capacity factor of 0.8 (about the same as coal), which will allow it to be used a baseload generator -- although, of course, we should be reserve judgement on such claims until a plant is actually built.

Energy engineering (whether is relates to transport or stationary uses -- be it fossil fuels, nuclear, or renewable) is a subject in which the facts/science are readily available in academic and technical journals. It's a shame that so much noise is generated by people who prefer to rely on myth, conspiracy websites, or have their 'facts' dictated by their own political beliefs (anyone remember Rush Limbaugh's rejection of front-loading washing machines as "politically correct" because they use less water & energy?).

As a (former) energy engineer I can get quite depressed by this...

[Hurda]

and you definetly should be allowed to buy upgrades that will be added as you're looking on your penis.

Imagnine it, bigger balls (heatsink) should be a hit #1

[jenjen]

Giant Penises will save us? Just in time - our local Giant Boobs are pretty much out of juice.
http://geography.asu.edu/pasqualetti/photos/san_onofre.jpg

[Dalebert]

Oh, I just had another idea. The cool thing about the satellites is you could power a turbine on a moving target just by redirecting the beam. So for instance, it could power a turbine on a cruise ship.

[Dalebert]

We should build satellites that capture light with mirrors and lenses and then fire a laser beam down to earth to power turbines, effectively utilizing light from a larger area. Also, I'm not a physicist, but I suspect the atmospheric interference would be far less since more light would be travelling through a smaller volume of atmosphere. We could even build sequences of them. Several that are far away and catching light that wouldn't even have reached Earth can fire beams into one near the edge of the atmosphere and direct it to a turbine. They would re-orient themselves in space to face the sun and redirect the light to the same spot. The beam would probably not be hot enough to effectively assassinate people, though that would be cool. It would probably just rapidly start heating up an area about five feet around like a big magnifying glass and you could step out of it.

[Little me]

Um, let me see.
There is a instance X who owns land, erects ... engines ... on it, and takes care of them. Then there is a bunch of people supporting the instance by giving money to them. As a return, the instance gives the money it receives from selling the electricity generated to the people who invested in it (the selling of electricity service would naturally also be taken care of by this maintainer-instance.)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this precisely how a stock-company works? You just invented the electric company!

[Prashanth J]

Scott,

Well presented but this is exactly what Suzlon - The wind energy firm in India does.This firm operates in Europe and US as well.

http://www.suzlon.com/

This is how it works:

1. The company sets-up the wind turbines in places where there is plenty of wind blowing to generate electricity and have them connected to state electricity grids.
2.Indivisual investors can buy a wind turbine which costs about 200 thousand dollars.
3.Banks finance the investor to buy the turbine.
4. Since the Indian government have a rule that at least 10% of the state electricity consumption has to come from renewable energy resources, state electricity boards buy eectricity from Suzlon.
5. The returns which come from this turbines electricity generation is almost 30-40% more than the bank installment which investor has to pay. So the investor starts to make profit from the very first month.
6.The Suzlon owner Tulsi Tanti has made a huge fortune in around 10 years he is in wind energy business.
He is one of the richest men in world according to Forbes.
http://www.forbes-global.com/lists/2006/10/QD9Q.html

It's a win-win situation for all and earth.

I am with you. we have a proven idea.

-prashanth

[Prashanth J]

Scott,

Well presented but this is exactly what Suzlon - The wind energy firm in India does.This firm operates in Europe and US as well.

http://www.suzlon.com/

This is how it works:

1. The company sets-up the wind turbines in places where there is plenty of wind blowing to generate electricity and have them connected to state electricity grids.
2.Indivisual investors can buy a wind turbine which costs about 200 thousand dollars.
3.Banks finance the investor to buy the turbine.
4. Since the Indian government have a rule that at least 10% of the state electricity consumption has to come from renewable energy resources, state electricity boards buy eectricity from Suzlon.
5. The returns which come from this turbines electricity generation is almost 30-40% more than the bank installment which investor has to pay. So the investor starts to make profit from the very first month.
6.The Suzlon owner Tulsi Tanti has made a huge fortune in around 10 years he is in wind energy business.
He is one of the richest men in world according to Forbes.
http://www.forbes-global.com/lists/2006/10/QD9Q.html

It's a win-win situation for all and earth.

I am with you. we have a proven idea.

-prashanth

[CPB]

If we transfer our addiction from foreign oil to an addiction for penis engines, the terrorists will have truly won. Morally at least.

[Amit]

Scott a great idea and a mind(sss) erecting way to present that.
Anyways i see one more change that should be made. Why cant this penis act as a normal one? I mean why should it be always erect? After all i don't think you carry a complete "erecto" under your pants even whiling pooping. So lets keep it simple. It erects only only when its daylight.

Anyways, sun's the dude that turns it on. Isn't it?

[DDReynolds]

Fantastic...Bring 'em on! Perhaps you could up the revenue by partnering with companies that make products like Viagra or that sell condoms. Just think how it would look from space - giant penis encased in a branded Trojan...

[rita mae]

I agree with Dingo's comment. Especially the part where he tells Chad to get a life.

Your blog can be about anything you want. But, then, you already know that don't you? Why don't people go to another blog if they don't like what you have on yours?

Keep on keepin' on, Scotty. And thanks to Dingo. (By the way, Dingo, bring back my baby that you took from my yard. BWAHAHAHA)

Rita Mae

[jerry w.]

The idea of having a giant penis is very scary, considering how many of my every day decisions are already being made for me by my just slightly larger than normal one.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Chris Rollason]

Being in the UK. Can I invest in the US large Penis scheme?

I'd also like to invest in one in Australia and possibly India too.

That way I'd mostly be covered 24 hours of the day, making profit somewhere in the world. As one timezone moves into darkness, I can just switch my screen to the next one and continue to watch my profits grow.

Oh yes!!!!!!!!!!!

In your honour I think the US government should "erect" a huge statue of you with a suitably large penis.

[Tatter]

From Alice in Wonderland.

"Maybe huge clitoris engines could be researched a little more and longer"

Yeah, like a male engineer know what THAT looks like.
He would never find it once it was made anyway :)

[random]

Chad, was that actually a serious post? You really think every blogger should mention the attack every year on 11th September. Is it not enough to have every newspaper and tv channel covering it, with pretty much the same content as they used the previous year (which is what they seem to do in UK). It is okay to blog on other topics. Particulary as this is a humour site not a serious political discussion site.

[Bilious Prudence]

I like it -- sounds like a plan!

BP