Homo Erectus

I was reading an article about the little hobbit-like creatures discovered in Indonesia. I couldn’t help notice that the article uses the abbreviation “H. Erectus” instead of the full name Homo Erectus. This is presumably to prevent jokes about why we don’t see any of them around these days.

http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s1230409.htm

I’m crossing my fingers that someday scientists will discover one of these hobbit carcasses encased in amber or whatever-the-hell would allow us to snatch some DNA and clone them. Since they aren’t human, I think cloning would be legal. And although they have heads the size of grapefruits, scientists believe they were smart enough to use tools and hunt tiny elephants. That spells one thing: Hobbit butlers.

I want to be able to order a hobbit butler from a magazine and have it delivered in a box with air holes. My hobbit butler would always wear a tiny tuxedo, mostly for the cuteness. I’d call him Max, because of the irony factor, since he would be so tiny.

Max wouldn’t be bright enough to install a new computer network, or big enough to drive a car, so his utility would be limited. But he’d be perfect for playing ring toss. I’d have him stand at attention on the other side of the room and train him to yell funny things when I got a ring over him, such as “You are the best ring tosser of all times, you magnificent and gigantic bastard!” Best of all, he could pick up the rings and bring them back. If you think I would ever get tired of that, you don’t know me.

For Halloween, I’d get Max a winged monkey costume and dress up as the Wicked Witch. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t win some sort of prize. And I’d make him knock on doors and get candy. He’d clean up.

I might also get a dog so Max could ride it like a horse. When I wanted a Diet Coke from the fridge, Max would ride the dog to the kitchen and get it. Would I ever get tired of that? Not likely.

I’d never have to find the remote control again, because I would use Velcro to attach it to Max’s head. When I wanted to watch TV, I would just whistle and he’d run over and face the TV.

I’m sure there are more uses for a hobbit butler, but none come to mind. What would YOU do with a three-foot tall Homo?

Comments

[Patrick]

I'm tempted to agree !!

[Melissa]

actually the use h.erectus just because its easier. You will find in all text books the genus of a species is usually just the initial. Why bother writing australopithecus more than once. Maybe you should get a life and find something better to do with your time

[TSB]

1. PETA would have a fit
2. As a non-human you'd have to give him shots, license him / her, etc.
3. Children don't fall under 1 or 2 and you have all the equipment to "clone" them...

[Krzysztof Wiszniewski]

I hate to say this Scott, but you must have really had a bad week. Not funny.

[K-2]

Nothing like the sound of small feet around the house, right?

[Cait]

What would I do?

My question is, can it type? Because if I could dictate, and it could type, I'd be the happiest person in the world. No more essay writing, or long days at the computer - no Maximillian would do it for me.

[Silverback]

Trunk Monkey anyone?

[Silverback]

A humanoid Trunk Monkey!

[Silverback]

"Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure' and 'You are a sick, sick man' can both be so very true."

Come on - Hes a trained Economist... Cognitive dissonance!

[Silverback]

"Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure' and 'You are a sick, sick man' can both be so very true."

Come on - Hes a trained Economist... Cognitive dissonance!

[marry]

when i was in six .iread about homo eractus.it was quite inturesting.i really like it.and i hope u will also like it.

[Glenn]

Perry Homo. Oh, I'm gonna die. Truly, there are some fantastic responses here, to a fantastic post. I love the fact that "Honest to God, you are a frickin natural treasure" and "You are a sick, sick man" can both be so very true. Bravo, Scott.

[Grainbutter]

I'd name him Refill to save time.

[CL]

Hate to be a downer, but perhaps the hobbit butler wouldn't be such a great idea

if they're possibly smart enough to hunt and use tools... how long would it take him to start plotting your untimely demise for making him do all of that stuff...

[i b4 e]

Sure, it's all fun and games until he says "Gee your hair smells terrific."

[Ramachandran R]

I would order for a HOMO that looks exactly like my manager and keep him in office.
Would train him to immediately start giving me a foot massage as soon as my Manager enters the cubicle.
And just when the manager is leaving hte cubicle I would throw a biscuit on the ground and shout "FETCH!!"

[Steven McDaniel]

Actually, subsequent to this great significant discovery, several researchers, according to Wikipedia, have been of the opinion that it was just a retarded pygmy, suffering from 'microencephalitis.' That, of course, must not be true, as it would rain on the parade of those who thought they had discovered significant proof of speciation. And it would render invalid all the artist's impressions I saw in scientific mags, of this wonderful evolutionary discovery. Personally, I'm holding out until they also discover Gandolf, the original Lord of the Ring Tossers.

[yolsgaard]

I'd put them in my garden instead of garden gnomes and use them as garden waterers and home burglary alarm systems (prevents false alarms).

They kind of sound like fat versions of the Harry Potter elves too.

Thanks for the laugh, Scott, I needed it today!

[Mike]

I've always wanted a monkey butler (mostly so I could have poo flung at my enemies with a viable excuse). This would be even better, I think.

What would I do with a three foot tall homo? Why, I'd buy several of them. After all, three foot tall homos are stackable, have the hardware to stay in place, so would make perfect modular foot stools.

Right?

[Dogzz]

I am new to your blog and was reading it while I ate my oatmeal this morning. I thought that it was really funny. I have a great imagination although this little voice in the back of my brain kept saying "it's not real, it's not real", and then I got to the post where someone started talking about rights for the three-footers and I thought "are you kidding?", someone actually thinks that this going to happen.

I would dress mine up like a Napoleonic soldier and have him stand by the fireplace at Christmas time. And during the off-season he could sit on the dashboard... no more bobble-heads for me.

[rita mae]

I was in the hospital again yesterday. I'm posting a day late.

The link you posted included this:

"Scientists have pieced together an image of a hairless, dark-skinned dwarf species with a head the size of a grapefruit, sunken eyes, a flat nose and large teeth and mouth projecting forward with virtually no chin."

I've seen a few of these wandering around. Didn't know they were extinct. Come on, you all know you wanted to say that, but were too afraid to take the chance of degrading a whole class of dark-skinned peoples. Hey, there are dark-skinned peoples in Iraq and Iran. Coincidence?

Don't get made at me, I just quote the article.

Scott, still love you, but still too old (and sick) to stalk you.

Rita Mae

[it's me]

Didn't Dogbert once get an Elf or Christmas since Santa couldn't name him Emperor of the World?

[G]

Prashanth J: [You are clever. Don't blog for the sake of it.I dont mind you not posting on a day rather than posts like this.]

You are dumb. Don't comment for the sake of commenting. I don't mind you not posting on your own blog, but don't whine because someone (anyone!) posts what they damned well please on theirs.

[Jeff]

While I have no opinion on hobbit butlers, I have to say I enjoy these posts much more than your bombastic, is-it-satire-or-isn't-it political diatribes.