A number of celebrities, notably Madonna, are embracing a religion called Kabbalah. Celebrities I say! That is all the endorsement I need. I decided it was time to look into it.
I started with Wikipedia. Here’s what I learned about Kabbalah:
1. It’s all very confusing.
2. No one is quite sure what it is, including the people doing it.
3. Old dead people are somehow to blame.
4. Mastering Kabbalah gives you insight into God, as far as you know.
To master Kabbalah, first you must learn to understand a special language called gobbledygook. For example, in Kabbalah-talk, the definition of tzimtzum goes like this:
“The act whereby God contracted his infinite light, leaving a void into which the light of existence was poured. The primal emanation became Azilut, the World of Light, from which the three lower worlds, Beriah, Yetzirah and Assiyah, descended.”
I’m sure you had the same reaction I did when I read about tzimtzum: “I must renounce my current beliefs and dedicate my life to Kabbalah!”
You and I have a lot of work to do. Personally, I don’t know my Assiyah from my elbow. But I figure it won’t be hard to learn because most of it is just common sense. For example, the Neshamah Yeseira is the “supplemental soul” that a Jew can experience on Shabbat. In other words, “duh.” I knew that.
My only concern is that Kabbalah might give me insight into God and I’ll find out some things I really didn’t want to know. I mean, what if I find out God likes squirrels more than he likes me? Sooner or later I’m going to hit a squirrel with my car and I’ll never again feel comfortable going outside unless I have a lightning rod strapped to my hat.
What would be the most disturbing thing you could find out about God?
I am perfectly aware that this was supposed to be a humorous text. But even to do that, a solid knowledge of the subject in question is required - or it just won't be funny enough. ;)
So, here are a few corrections upon which to build any future such efforts:
* The Kabbalah is NOT a "religion".
* Wikipedia is a highly flawed source of information, to put it mildly. (Nobody who really knows about any given subject takes it seriously.)
* The basic premise of the Kabbalah is perfectly clear to anyone practicing it: in short, everything that exists is created by Light, and by the dynamics of the interaction between the Light and the Desire to receive it.
And yes, of course it is complicated: no more and no less so than the world itself.
But you are very right about your conclusion as to where it might lead you... ;)
Posted by: Never Mind | February 16, 2008 at 05:34 PM
One of the most disturbing things I could find out about god is that it judges us all decades before we die, based purely on something like sock preference or the way we treat loose change.
Posted by: Raycheal | October 07, 2007 at 08:43 AM
That He has a rather nasty drinking problem... though it would explain the proof on His blood.
Posted by: Just Once, But It Was An Accident | September 26, 2007 at 03:33 PM
The most disturbing thing I could find out about God, is that he or she exists.
Posted by: DeadOn | September 25, 2007 at 11:43 AM
The most disturbing thing for me would be that religion matters more than any selfless act I've ever done.
Posted by: Andie | September 23, 2007 at 08:47 PM
I think it would be troubling to discover that God is anything at all like any of the major religions describe him to be.
Posted by: Dalebert | September 23, 2007 at 07:24 AM
Duh!
Obviously, the most disturbing thing would be to discover that God is Divine:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fuCPckU5bx0
Posted by: Baguaren | September 23, 2007 at 06:33 AM
zim-zum was (is?) played lead guitar for Marilyn Manson.
Posted by: Rich | September 20, 2007 at 12:00 PM
The most disturbing thing about God would be that he really is everywhere and he is blogging the shit.
Posted by: Ramas | September 20, 2007 at 09:18 AM
That he's real.
Posted by: Bruno Berthold | September 19, 2007 at 09:28 PM
The most disturbing thing I could find out about God is that he actually wants me to learn Kai-blah-blah.
Look at this:
http://townhall.com/columnists/BenShapiro/2007/09/19/madonnas_fake_judaism&Comments=true#comments
Posted by: Great Genius of the 21st Century | September 19, 2007 at 05:26 PM
"..Show me where Benny Hinn or any of the others have performed a certifiable provable miracle, and I'll listen. It's impossible to prove a negative, thefore I can't prove it's never happened. But if it happens as often as you claim, there should be absolute proof of it. And any of these "well-known" hucksters (excuse me - "healers") would be the first one to go to the press with the proof..."
Rubbish! jenl, you just don't want to know!
CNN Impact:
:..Some of Hinn's healings are indeed documented and defy medical explanations. He's even published a book listing these cases, with doctors' notes included. Hinn provided IMPACT with two dozen documented healings from people suffering a variety of illnesses. All of the people contacted were true believers who claimed to have significantly improved since attending a healing crusade.."
Nothing, however, will convince some people. My Dad used to say, 'There are none so blind as those who do not want to see.' But, hey, if you don't believe in healing, don't worry: actually, you'll more than likely never be bothered by it if you don't have faith.
Posted by: Steven McDaniel | September 19, 2007 at 09:35 AM
Qabalah isn't an easy subject to learn and understand, but then neither are most things worth learning in the world. Be VERY aware that the Kabbalah professed by many of these celebrities is based on a specific sub-cultus which is a for-profit organization called 'The Kabbalah Center' and does not directly reflect the teachings of Jewish Kabalah, Christian Cabbala, esoteric Qabalah or even that studied by the Chasidic Jews. (The spellings are all representations of "Qoph, Beth, Lahmed, Heh" in our Roman transliterations.)
What's the scariest thing that I could learn about G-d? That rather than being an omniscient being beyond our comprehension that he is, in fact, a small old man sitting on a throne bored to tears by watching US do the same stupid things over and over and over and...
Posted by: Greg Wotton | September 19, 2007 at 07:09 AM
that he'll ask me, "blue pill or red pill"
Posted by: cheryl chong | September 18, 2007 at 04:20 PM
That he's really Chuck Norris
Posted by: it's me | September 18, 2007 at 08:45 AM
That he is my former drinking buddy, Bob. I'd be like "Hey, Bob! Let's get hammered.", and he'd be all, "you can call me God now." That would be a buzz kill. Also Bob smelled funny. Perhaps omnipotence smells like an old tuna sandwich (no offense, Bob-God).
Posted by: Rocky | September 18, 2007 at 08:05 AM
"But I'm talking about Benny Hinn, Reinhardt Bonnke, Oral and Richard Roberts, Melvin Banks in England, Benson Idahosa of Benin City, Nigeria, Morris Cerullo and hundreds of others. It would be dead easy for investigative journalism to expose the fraudulent nature of their simulated miracles, or else to verify their validity, but the press won't touch that; they're just desperate to expose any sins they commit, or ferret out any discrepancies in their fundraising - interesting isn't it?"
I suspect the reason that the press doesn't go out and "expose the fraudulent nature of their simulated miracles" is that they don't want to face the wrath of those who have been "healed" by the placebo effect of their faith in that healing.
Show me where Benny Hinn or any of the others have performed a certifiable provable miracle, and I'll listen. It's impossible to prove a negative, thefore I can't prove it's never happened. But if it happens as often as you claim, there should be absolute proof of it. And any of these "well-known" hucksters (excuse me - "healers") would be the first one to go to the press with the proof.
Posted by: jenl | September 18, 2007 at 07:13 AM
That she's actually a MAN. oh God.
Posted by: techy | September 18, 2007 at 07:01 AM
PreaChing to the converted scott...
Posted by: james | September 18, 2007 at 05:46 AM
Scariest thing that comes to mind is maybe that God was actually such a fuck up and knew it that he entered the God Protection Program, was given amnesia, and is currently hiding out in my body.
Posted by: Cassandra | September 17, 2007 at 06:41 PM
That my pointed haired boss really is the God she thinks she is!
Posted by: Tutu | September 17, 2007 at 04:44 PM
That He masturbates watching people having sex
Posted by: Will | September 17, 2007 at 04:43 PM
That he was lost and was found by first by Paris Hilton and then by Michael Vick. The icing on the cake would be that he was personally offended by Kathy Griffin's recent Emmy dis.
Posted by: bad momma | September 17, 2007 at 04:41 PM
What would be the most disturbing thing you could find out about God?
That he existed at all. As a Zen Buddhist, I'm aware that all the pain and problems in my life are my own problems. I need to deal with my pain and problems myself. I had no need of an imaginary friend at the age of five. I definitely don't need an imaginary friend at age of fifty!
Posted by: Just4yucks | September 17, 2007 at 03:44 PM
I almost forgot - he also had more fun playing with dinosaurs for all those zazillion years (a mere poof of time for Him) and may be thinking of bringing them back...
Posted by: JFS in IL | September 17, 2007 at 02:50 PM