Being a syndicated cartoonist isn’t as glamorous as people imagine. For example, the other day I spent about an hour trying to come up with a word as funny as turd. Ultimately, I failed.
It all started with a comic I drew with this third panel. (Click to enlarge.)
This comic has at least two problems. One is that it uses a word I can’t get published. The other is that the boss’s line is so perfect I can’t convince myself it is original. Did I read or hear that line someplace in the past? It sure sounds like something someone would have already said. Google came up empty, but it might be something that a colorful person from my past used to say.
Intuitively, I knew there was no other word in the universe that would be as funny as turd. Even other words that mean the same as turd would fall short, and be equally impossible to publish.
Eventually I came up with a replacement word, and that’s what will run in a month or so. It’s not nearly as funny as turd, but it was the best I could do. I wonder if you can top it. Let’s see.
I’ll give you a little wiggle room. There are two rules for your submission:
1. Keep the boss’s first words, “Sometimes the best you can do…”
2. Complete the sentence with a funny expression of utter futility.
If I like your suggestion better than my own, and it’s not filthy, I might use it. I’ll tell you mine tomorrow, so it doesn’t get in your head and make this harder today.
I know some of you are already thinking about “arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” That won’t be a winner.
Do you have cowpats in the US? Failing that, how about banana peel. My problem with hairball is that, despite living with cats for 20 years, I have never seen a hairball, so the imagery just doesn't hit home.
Posted by: Andrew West | October 01, 2007 at 03:24 AM
Sometimes the best you can do is deodorise the corpse
Posted by: Geoff | September 30, 2007 at 09:37 PM
Hands in pockets...
Sometimes the best you can do is juggle your balls.
Theres no rude words...what do you mean they would publish it.
Posted by: looney | September 30, 2007 at 08:38 PM
...switch socks?
Posted by: ACD | September 30, 2007 at 05:12 PM
Sometimes the best thing you can do...is hope that everybody forgets.
Posted by: Great Genius | September 30, 2007 at 02:54 PM
Sometimes the best you can do is bury it in the kitty litter
Posted by: Daimyo no neko | September 30, 2007 at 10:21 AM
Sometimes the best you can do…
... is let the paper bag burn.
Posted by: Patrick Sain | September 30, 2007 at 08:25 AM
Sometimes the best you can do is punch air and walk away.
Posted by: Bob T | September 29, 2007 at 11:25 PM
My favorite clean one was one near the beginning, "Hit the screw harder." It really is management at its best without being poop.
Posted by: Elliott | September 29, 2007 at 09:16 PM
Sometimes the best you can do is dry your pants and walk away
Posted by: Jay | September 29, 2007 at 09:14 PM
Sometimes the best you can do is add hot sauce and pretend your not eating a spicy crap sandwich.
Posted by: carl | September 29, 2007 at 07:42 PM
Sometimes the best you can do is choose a different polish.
Posted by: ACD | September 29, 2007 at 04:38 PM
Someone got it part right:
... is flush and pray.
Posted by: Regret | September 29, 2007 at 04:33 PM
Sometimes you just have to paint the statue the same color as the pigeon manure.
Posted by: Ian Wright | September 29, 2007 at 04:20 PM
sometimes the best you can do is lose the memo
Posted by: steph | September 29, 2007 at 03:40 PM
how about just substitution?
t*rd
excrement
Posted by: henry | September 29, 2007 at 02:44 PM
My uncle always said,"Sometimes you have to put the meat in the bun."
Posted by: Fin | September 29, 2007 at 02:13 PM
Sometimes all you can do is add glitter and call it crap-tacular.
Posted by: ralla | September 29, 2007 at 01:19 PM
Sometimes the best thing you can do is open the pants before you piss.
Posted by: John J | September 29, 2007 at 12:37 PM
“Sometimes the best you can do…” is just keep hiding the body.
Posted by: Bane | September 29, 2007 at 10:42 AM
This is probably already there somewhere, but I didn't have two weeks to read through them all...
Sometimes, the best you can do is call it a feature and raise the price.
Posted by: Zerbet | September 29, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Put lipstick on the pig
Posted by: wright1411 | September 29, 2007 at 08:43 AM
Sometimes the best you can do is reinvent the Wheel of Fortune.
Posted by: Brett | September 29, 2007 at 08:39 AM
Sometimes the best you can do is swallow your tongue without chewing.
Posted by: Anonymous John | September 29, 2007 at 08:28 AM
Difficult, turd is a pretty potent funny word. I tried to come up with something that would covey the same message.
First I thought of:
Sometimes the best you can do is to move your finger to the other nostril.
Then I saw a few references to nostril in the past posts (got to admit nostril is a pretty funny word).
So I came up with:
Sometimes the best you can do is to sweep the possum in the other lane.
But that isn’t really something the PHB would say. Unless of course you put a cowboy hat on his head.
Since turd is so funny I decided to use two funny words to compensate:
Sometimes the best you can do is to shove the noodle back up your nostril.
Bhaaa using nostril again.
This is something I found hilarious but doesn’t really stick to what the PHB was saying:
Sometimes the best you can do is gasp and hope the girdle will hold the blubber.
Lazy Boy
Posted by: Lazy Boy | September 29, 2007 at 07:42 AM