Turd is the Word

Being a syndicated cartoonist isn’t as glamorous as people imagine. For example, the other day I spent about an hour trying to come up with a word as funny as turd. Ultimately, I failed.

It all started with a comic I drew with this third panel. (Click to enlarge.)

This comic has at least two problems. One is that it uses a word I can’t get published. The other is that the boss’s line is so perfect I can’t convince myself it is original. Did I read or hear that line someplace in the past? It sure sounds like something someone would have already said. Google came up empty, but it might be something that a colorful person from my past used to say.

Intuitively, I knew there was no other word in the universe that would be as funny as turd. Even other words that mean the same as turd would fall short, and be equally impossible to publish.

Eventually I came up with a replacement word, and that’s what will run in a month or so. It’s not nearly as funny as turd, but it was the best I could do. I wonder if you can top it. Let’s see.

I’ll give you a little wiggle room. There are two rules for your submission:

1. Keep the boss’s first words, “Sometimes the best you can do…”
2. Complete the sentence with a funny expression of utter futility.

If I like your suggestion better than my own, and it’s not filthy, I might use it. I’ll tell you mine tomorrow, so it doesn’t get in your head and make this harder today.

I know some of you are already thinking about “arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” That won’t be a winner.

Comments

[Andrew West]

Do you have cowpats in the US? Failing that, how about banana peel. My problem with hairball is that, despite living with cats for 20 years, I have never seen a hairball, so the imagery just doesn't hit home.

[Geoff]

Sometimes the best you can do is deodorise the corpse

[looney]

Hands in pockets...

Sometimes the best you can do is juggle your balls.

Theres no rude words...what do you mean they would publish it.

[ACD]

...switch socks?

[Great Genius]

Sometimes the best thing you can do...is hope that everybody forgets.

[Daimyo no neko]

Sometimes the best you can do is bury it in the kitty litter

[Patrick Sain]

Sometimes the best you can do…

... is let the paper bag burn.

[Bob T]

Sometimes the best you can do is punch air and walk away.

[Elliott]

My favorite clean one was one near the beginning, "Hit the screw harder." It really is management at its best without being poop.

[Jay]

Sometimes the best you can do is dry your pants and walk away

[carl]

Sometimes the best you can do is add hot sauce and pretend your not eating a spicy crap sandwich.

[ACD]

Sometimes the best you can do is choose a different polish.

[Regret]

Someone got it part right:
... is flush and pray.

[Ian Wright]

Sometimes you just have to paint the statue the same color as the pigeon manure.

[steph]

sometimes the best you can do is lose the memo

[henry]

how about just substitution?
t*rd
excrement

[Fin]

My uncle always said,"Sometimes you have to put the meat in the bun."

[ralla]

Sometimes all you can do is add glitter and call it crap-tacular.

[John J]

Sometimes the best thing you can do is open the pants before you piss.

[Bane]

“Sometimes the best you can do…” is just keep hiding the body.

[Zerbet]

This is probably already there somewhere, but I didn't have two weeks to read through them all...

Sometimes, the best you can do is call it a feature and raise the price.

[wright1411]

Put lipstick on the pig

[Brett]

Sometimes the best you can do is reinvent the Wheel of Fortune.

[Anonymous John]

Sometimes the best you can do is swallow your tongue without chewing.

[Lazy Boy]

Difficult, turd is a pretty potent funny word. I tried to come up with something that would covey the same message.

First I thought of:
Sometimes the best you can do is to move your finger to the other nostril.
Then I saw a few references to nostril in the past posts (got to admit nostril is a pretty funny word).
So I came up with:
Sometimes the best you can do is to sweep the possum in the other lane.
But that isn’t really something the PHB would say. Unless of course you put a cowboy hat on his head.
Since turd is so funny I decided to use two funny words to compensate:
Sometimes the best you can do is to shove the noodle back up your nostril.
Bhaaa using nostril again.

This is something I found hilarious but doesn’t really stick to what the PHB was saying:
Sometimes the best you can do is gasp and hope the girdle will hold the blubber.

Lazy Boy