David Cop a Feel

Did you see in the news that a woman has accused famous magician David Copperfield of sexual assault?

http://openbanter.com/showpost.php?id=621

If he’s innocent, I would like to be David Copperfield’s defense lawyer. I would argue that my client doesn’t need to assault women because he knows magic. When he wants some action, all he has to do is make a willing woman materialize. The judge would admonish me for not being serious, at which point I would do a theatrical turn toward my client and say, “BEHOLD!” In a prearranged move, Copperfield would pull a blanket from his sleeve, drape it over the defense table, wave his arms, and a pair of feet would appear under the table, high heels facing the judge. Then my client would lean his head back and start moaning.

The judge would start banging his gavel, (so to speak), and I would turn to the jury and yell, “I REST MY CASE!”

If that didn’t work, I’d put the accuser on the stand and ask, “How can you be so sure my client touched you?” As she answered the question, I would nod to my magician client and have him do the trick where his hand comes out of my zipper and waves hello. Then I would say in my most sarcastic voice, “SO, TELL US AGAIN HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT KNOWING WHERE MY CLIENT’S HANDS ARE.”

Then I would ask the bailiff to bring me the Bible on which the accuser swore an oath. I would ask the accuser to read any passage aloud. By then, my magician client would have pulled the switcheroo, and the accuser would be reading something from Mein Kampf. I would turn to the jury and say, “That’s not the Jesus I know!”

I haven’t heard what evidence the prosecution will present, but for the sake of this blog, let’s hope it involves a semen-stained dress. When the police officer shows the court this piece of evidence, I would ask him if there was any way my client’s DNA could be on that dress without sex. The police officer would say sex was the only explanation. Then I would ask the bailiff to turn down the lights. I would signal to my client to do his magic, then take out a black light and show that the policeman’s own uniform is covered with my client’s semen, and not just a little. He’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy exploded on him.

I only joke about this because I think it’s unlikely the alleged crime happened. But if it turns out that the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women, I support the death penalty. And that’s only partly because watching him try to escape from the gas chamber after he’s strapped down would be good TV.

Comments

[Dana Dlott]

This reminds me of the time that All-Pro running back Eric Dickerson was accused in a domestic violence dispute by his girlfriend. She said he was threatening and she ran away. Dickerson said, "I'm Eric Dickerson. If I wanted to hurt her, there is no way she could 'run away' from me".

[James]

SHLUNK!

[le Big MAC]

I'm in the 'post first and see if anyone agrees' mode today. I'll go back to read, then analyze next week. See? Spontaneity!
One gossip item about the Copperhead insinuated he would lure groupies to his hotel, and when he was done would hand 'em a wad of cash for a cab ride home.
What can I say except....magicians have groupies?

[Kriti]

"the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women"

Are you implying that "powerful men" who can "get anyone they want" wouldn't force themselves on anyone? And of course, women are raped only because they dress provocatively, and they "asked for it"? :(

Its a cheap shot, its not true, and now you are giving this idea to the million people who read your blog. :(

All my respect for all your witty posts, and smart analogies seems to have suddenly disappeared :(

[Bri]

It’s easy for you to laugh. You’ve never been raped by a magician.

I can tell you that I will never be the same person I was before I volunteered for Gizmo the Magnifaco during that long lost Las Vegas trip I took in my twenties. All I can recall is climbing up those steps to the stage, being spun around five to six times by a showgirl until I was disorientated, and then being shoved into a cabinet in order to be made to disappear. Three days later when I “came to”, I found myself walking half naked on the edge of a Nevada highway with swollen lips, a sore bum and, tied with blue ribbons to my now-trimmed pube hairs, one complimentary ticket for Gizmo’s next show. Further tramatizing me, the complementary show was awful and I didn’t get picked again to be a volunteer.

[Trickypickle]

Heck, if they convicted him, how the hell are they going to incarcerate him?

Bailiff: "Judge, he keeps slipping them damn cuffs off!"
Judge: "I'd help you out there, but he seems to have cuffed me to the bench."
Prosecution: "Um, has anyone seen the defendant? He seems to have disappeared. Along with my wallet and pocket watch."

That would be good times.

[Mishlai]

Hysterical post, good work.

[Bill]

Today's comic is extremely offensive. To suggest that "the great decider's" (or any politician's) decisions are as good as those of drunken lemurs is to insult all our evolutionary ancestors. (And you're getting taxonomically close to insulting flying monkeys again... better hire some Blackwater goons to start checking under your car for bombs).

If there's any Hindu terrorist groups that believe in evolution, you're doomed.

[chuckleberry]

brilliant title.. (if it as original). Absolutely 10 on 10 for that pun

[Andrew]

Scott...

As soon as I read your first post about your new book, I went straight to Amazon and bought it. It came in the mail last night. Excellent.

[Dom]

You should write something on this - it's a disease/plague that has destroyed the happiness in mine and many of my co-workers lives, finally it has a name! "boredout"

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/career_and_jobs/article2456531.ece

[Dom]

I read this today:

"10,000 respondents said that they did not have challenging work and as a result spent an average of two office hours a day on private matters to kill time. "

And all I could think was. Amateurs.

[slyphon]

Godwin's Law!

[JR]

This blog has made me a bit angry, but I do have to admit that most of the time when you take an unconventional view of things I appreciate it very much. However, I do have to make the traditional comment:
>>But if it turns out that the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women, I support the death penalty.

Sexual assault is about power. Not about what you are getting at home. Not about how you look, or how much money you make. Otherwise it would be easier to spot rapists in the street- just arrest all the poor ugly people.

As for the comments, the reason she didn't report it sooner is probably because she was scared of a backlash, the exact type of which is happening in this comments section when people start their comments with things like 'She is probably an ugly old wench...'- I'm sorry, who is it who is being accused of the crime again?

[Davesnothere]

re: Rachel

Well said!

Dave

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[h blue]

Well, J.J. beat me to reminding me to plug your book, but I wanted to point out how easily the subject of fondling distracts you.

But then I got to thinking... hey it distract us too.

Perhaps there is a book plug to fondling joke ratio that I never truly appreciated. Are you studying beer commercial marketing techniques?

[peter fleming]

I've read some very interesting details on this story, it's looking like David Copperfield may be going to jail for a long time.

[Abhishek]

Heh. Good post!

BTW, on a completely unrelated note, I'm not sure if your attention has been drawn to this article before:

http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2007/10/cognitive-dissonance-observed-in.html

Cognitive dissonance and monkeys in the same breath, and it's not even a Scott Adams blog post! In fact, gasp! It's a scientific study to boot! Darwin Awards, anyone? :-D

[Alan]

Well, Hugh Grant picked up a junkie to get a blow job, while he could have been spending some quality time with Liz Hurley. But at least he paid her, so no complications except that they got caught.

Go figure, though it can well be that supermodels are also super-spoiled and far more show than go. It's 100% that either the woman or her lawyers and most likely both are just doing it for the money, the only question being if there is any shred of truth in her accusation.

America has such a lovely legal system :-((

[Oli]

"A dozen FBI agents stormed the warehouse and took a computer hard drive and a memory chip from a digital camera system, as well as $2 million in cash that was inside a safe, reported CNN affiliate KLAS in Las Vegas, citing a source close to the investigation."

This paragraph should ave given you some fodder as well, they stormed teh warehouse?? The guy was accused of inappropriaetly touching a woman so they storm his warehouse with gus drawn ready to kick some arse.

Now computer hard drive and digital camera i could understand them taking, after all there might be incriminating pictures. What I dont quite understand is why they take $2 million out of his safe!

I bet they smashed the rest of his computer too...

Why he doesnt sue the police for heavy handedness I'll never know.

http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com

[Shady]

Scott you feel he is not guilt. are you trying to drum up something for your support when something like this comes up for you ;)

"Scott Drill Butts Adams "

[ShaunL]

If he is found guilty his punishment will probably be some sort of medieval torture- "placed ine a cabinette and hafe boddie cleft in twain at the midriff bye a saw or other blayde & said partes separayted."
I don't think he'll be worried.

[praetorian]

I saw an interview tonight saying that Copperfield supposedly has a secret code he uses to get his assistants to bring women he chooses to come up on stage as volunteers to meet him after the show if he likes them.

A celebrity commentator said "So what? Rock stars and atheletes have been doing that FOREVER!"

I guess it is a perk of fame (And being good looking and fabulously wealthy. Fame alone won't do it most times! Otherwise even cartoonists would get lucky regularly!)

I am sure this will take years to sort out.
Though someone I knew said when they heard this "Isn't he gay?"

Well, then I am thinking, is this staged to give him straight guy credit??
The conspiracy theory thickens.....

[ravi dawar]

Scott if i was david copperfield i would have deluged you with hippo's semen for writing such a post...this is your worst post ever scott..god please make me David Copperfield