David Cop a Feel

Did you see in the news that a woman has accused famous magician David Copperfield of sexual assault?

http://openbanter.com/showpost.php?id=621

If he’s innocent, I would like to be David Copperfield’s defense lawyer. I would argue that my client doesn’t need to assault women because he knows magic. When he wants some action, all he has to do is make a willing woman materialize. The judge would admonish me for not being serious, at which point I would do a theatrical turn toward my client and say, “BEHOLD!” In a prearranged move, Copperfield would pull a blanket from his sleeve, drape it over the defense table, wave his arms, and a pair of feet would appear under the table, high heels facing the judge. Then my client would lean his head back and start moaning.

The judge would start banging his gavel, (so to speak), and I would turn to the jury and yell, “I REST MY CASE!”

If that didn’t work, I’d put the accuser on the stand and ask, “How can you be so sure my client touched you?” As she answered the question, I would nod to my magician client and have him do the trick where his hand comes out of my zipper and waves hello. Then I would say in my most sarcastic voice, “SO, TELL US AGAIN HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT KNOWING WHERE MY CLIENT’S HANDS ARE.”

Then I would ask the bailiff to bring me the Bible on which the accuser swore an oath. I would ask the accuser to read any passage aloud. By then, my magician client would have pulled the switcheroo, and the accuser would be reading something from Mein Kampf. I would turn to the jury and say, “That’s not the Jesus I know!”

I haven’t heard what evidence the prosecution will present, but for the sake of this blog, let’s hope it involves a semen-stained dress. When the police officer shows the court this piece of evidence, I would ask him if there was any way my client’s DNA could be on that dress without sex. The police officer would say sex was the only explanation. Then I would ask the bailiff to turn down the lights. I would signal to my client to do his magic, then take out a black light and show that the policeman’s own uniform is covered with my client’s semen, and not just a little. He’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy exploded on him.

I only joke about this because I think it’s unlikely the alleged crime happened. But if it turns out that the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women, I support the death penalty. And that’s only partly because watching him try to escape from the gas chamber after he’s strapped down would be good TV.

Comments

[Brandon]

you made this entire post just so you could use that title, didn't you?

[P-A]

I wonder.. could it be another major magic trick from the big D? It could indeed be a set-up for a formidable showdown with an electric Chair.

don't be suprised if the execution is supposed to happen on Stage in Las Vegas!

I have to say though that he could have chosen somebody a little more famous to make increase dramatisation. I won't go to religious figures (Dalai Lama? Pope?) or souverains (Queen elizabeth?) becausde of the deep respect they inspire to some.. but how about M. Jackson? Woudln't he be the perfect guy to set-up such a plot? And imagine what the courtroom hearing would be like.. he he he

P-A

http://devrouze.blogspot.com/
Above blog not in english

[Barry Manilow]

Surely this is just a macro version of your post the other day about hitting on women when they are at their low point of resistance? If you can do it, Scott, how much better can David Copperfield do it?

[MH]

Best Post Ever!

[Stephanie]

That was one of the funniest blogs you've written in a while. Well done!

[DWH]

I'm just waiting for the magic of pay-per-view execution...

[buckeyegal]

I have my doubts also, but mostly from the fact she waited 3 MONTHS to bring charges against him. So what was she doing during this quarter of a year; waiting to see if she could shake him down herself and when that didn't happen went public as she may have been threatening to do? Don't get me wrong; as a woman I am all for a person to report a valid case of sexual assault, but for those of us that have had this happen to, we generally report it that SAME DAY...not after another dividend quarter has rolled on past. And, as stated on several news sites just this morning, the only items confiscated were a hard drive and digital camera. No reports of large sums of money from anywhere because, let's face it, unless he had rubbed those large sums of money all over her "DNA" what possible proof could his own money be in a sexual assault case? Unless some quarters were made to disappear and they became...er...lost?

[kman]

Yeah, escaping from the gas chamber would be good TV. But wouldn't that clog up our courts even more with all the copycat magicians?

[Rachel]

"... I support the death penalty. And that’s only partly because watching him try to escape from the gas chamber after he’s strapped down would be good TV."

Dude, that's fucked up.

[Jerry]

It seems like being famous sure has its draw backs. I would never be with a woman unless there was a witness.

Then you would have to deal with the fact that your body guards need to be perverts and like to watch. You just can't win.

But it would be nice to be able to stash 2 million bucks in my storage unit.

[Billy Arvia]

Scott,

Waht actually happened is she was trying to teach her husband a lesson. After 3 dry weeks in a row, he yelled "A guy has to be a magician to get into your pants!"

http://triplebee.squarespace.com/journal/

(PS - Rita Mae - You never fail to crack me up!)

[draser]

How would they even arrest him? He can get out of just about anything.

[E]

Scott,

Magnificent post... holy cats would that be a fun case to bring to trial.

As a bonus, maybe he could make O.J. disappear.

What's the deal with the $2 million in cash being confiscated? What could that possibly have to do with a sexual assault case?

Did he pelt her with stacks of $1000 bills?

I have to agree with the herd here... this doesn't seem likely and the innocent until proven guilty thing should definitely result in...

the immediate seizure of millions in assets?

There just HAS to be more to this story.

[Chris]

Am I the only one who is wondering why the hell the Feds are investigation an alleged sexual assault? Tax dollars put to great use.

Next we'll see an official investigation into why George W appears to have a wedgy 50% of the time.

[XX EE]

This whole post was a screamer. "The judge would start banging his gavel, (so to speak)" ... [snorts coffee out nose]

Thanks for one belly laugh after another. I needed it today.

[Mackenzie]

This blog is magic.

[Bert Simpson]

I heard through the grapevine that Mr. Magician is gay. That would mean he couldn't have dipped his wand in this person filing the claim. Unless this person filing the claim is claiming to be an female, but in all actuality is not. Maybe it's a new act to give himself a reason to disappear.

[David pauperfield]

[ do the trick where his hand comes out of my zipper and waves hello ]

o 0 (agrees with what 'Angel' said)

[He’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy exploded on him]
:) exploded as in literal sense?

[bbk]

This is exactly the kind of post I'd buy a book to read!

[Andrew]

When I first heard about it, I also thought... "BS!!!!!!!"

[larry]

If I was his attorney, I would ask her what happened and then state "It was all an illusion," then have my client disappear.

[BS]

"Glenn Miller, chief superintendent in charge of the detective unit of the Royal Bahamas Police force"

FINALLY, we find out what happened to the 40's era bandleader!

Although he's got to be getting pretty old by now...

[BHaustin]

For the record, the FBI did not remove any money from Copperfield's warehouse. That was a rumor that ended up being widely reported. The FBI has stated that no money was removed from the warehouse.

[travis]

What is so brilliant and clever about the "Cop-a-Feel" title. David himself has been using thus joke in his own show for no less than the past 10 years.

[Aardwizz]

Oh to be a celebrity impersonator. Claim to some unsuspecting person that, no, you really are that celebrity, do something illicit. The victim will go after the celebrity, and all the media whoopla will either convict the celebrity or so humiliate the victim that no one will come after you.

Fortunately (or not), I don't look like anyone.

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