Halloween Costumes

When it comes to selecting my Halloween costume, I ask four questions:

1. Can I wear my glasses?
2. Does it cover my legs so I can pretend I’m dancing?
3. How difficult is it to take a whiz?
4. Does it allow me to be witty?

One year I wore a cow costume featuring a huge udder at crotch level. At the beginning of the party, I was simply a funny cow. By the end of the night, thanks to the miracle of alcohol, I was some sort of spotted mammal with four penises and one huge ball sack. This was my best costume ever, because women dressed as naughty nurses kept grabbing my teats. I experienced a sort of phantom limb effect that I found most enjoyable. And thanks to the four-teat design, I often had multiple partners. Good times.

This year I’m thinking of being a scary tree. I can have my face looking out of a big knot hole, so I can wear my glasses. And I can attach a sap bucket, drink beer all night, and never need to use the restroom. Best of all, no one expects much from a dancing tree.

The only problem with a scary tree costume is that it’s not witty enough. I need my costume to fill in all the gaping holes in my personality.

I suppose I could try to bite people and then say, “If you think that’s bad, you should see my bark! Ha ha! Snort!” But that’s the sort of thing that could get me stabbed with a plastic pitchfork.

I could take the Borat approach and say things that seem at first to be true, followed by “KNOT!” Again, you have the risk of stabbing. No good.

I’ll have no better luck with “Leaf me alone,” or “I’m packing a trunk.” There simply isn’t enough beer to make those jokes work.

So I’ll probably just put a plastic knife in my chest and go as an O.J. Simpson memorabilia collector. There’s nothing wrong with the classics.

I’ll be at my restaurant on Oct 27th for Halloween dancing. If you see someone in disguise who is a great dancer, that’s me.

www.Eatatstaceys.com

Comments

[Martin Stennert]

"and EVEN vegetarian choices"?
I just checked out your eat at stacys website (since you keep informing us of its existance) and stumbled over the above line. I know a number of vegetarians that would be very put off by the word "even", as it suggests that serving vegetarian food is something very special and outré, or maybe even a big bother - which you will put up with for the sake of such customers. Anyway, I'd drop it (the word "even", not the vegetarian choices.)
Cheers

[Venkatdeep]

If you dress up as a tree...wats your pickup line gonna be??
"....hey...I need help crosspollinating!!"

P.S....who among you are planning to go dressed as Scott Adams?? Scary! Gettin a new shovel now!! ;)

Cheers

[Ferran]

Disguised as a tree? Be careful with dogs, or anyone disguised as a dog. That one big guy disguised as a dog that had 5 jars of beer, suddenly sees you... we'll he won't resist it! It's a bit disgusting joke, but probably hilarious for everyone except you.
I will be a tetris piece and ask naughty nurses to check if we fit together. :)
I actually want to convince some of my friends do disguise as different tetris pieces, can you imagine 10 different tetris pieces going into a bar, drinking, dancing and fitting? It would be great!!

[Boondoggie]

One of the best costumes I've seen was a woman with a box of Rice Chex and a plastic knife.

She was a cereal killer.

When I was in college a guy showed up at a costume party dressed as Anwar Sadat, singing "I love a parade."

[Phoenix]

go as a scotsman

1. you can wear glasses with it
2. a great kilt would cover the legs enough to desiguse horrid dancing (worked for my fiance at many a party)
3. peeing is easy in a skirt
4. the jokes are limitless, from "would you like to pet my sporran (the pouch a scotsman wears)" to "so do you know whats under a scotsman's kilt?" and your wife could go as a ewe, further irony with the scotsman/sheep connection.

[James Armstrong]

One day while I was still in high school I dressed up in a suit and wore a pointed paper party hat to my favorite class in celebration of the first witty comment I had made in several weeks. I consider that one hell of a party and a costume.

[BTTFVGO]

_______________________________________
Posted by Scott Adams:
I experienced a sort of phantom limb effect that I found most enjoyable. And thanks to the four-teat design, I often had multiple partners. Good times.

...

I suppose I could try to bite people and then say, “If you think that’s bad, you should see my bark! Ha ha! Snort!” But that’s the sort of thing that could get me stabbed with a plastic pitchfork.
_______________________________________

Hahahahaha! ROTFLMAO! I swear you are a character...

[rd]

oh, with the exact location and date known
i am so stalking you
through teleportation :)

Speaking of trees, may be you could add this feature to your witty costume
http://greetings.banjig.net/send.php?card_type=f&card_id=804
papa Carlo: well, sonny, you are going to have a little brother

[Calgarian]

Wear nothing but a big bright pair of boxer shorts.

When someone asks, you can say that you came in your underwear :)

[Marc]

Many years ago, my family went to a toga party where, funnily enough, one goes dressed in a toga (aka Ancient Rome).

Never being one to do the normal thing, my dad decided to employ his left-of-field sense of humour in designing my toga.

Hence I went to the party dressed as a "christian". That is to say, I wore a toga with the addition of a crucifix hanging around my neck, and a huge lion attached to my butt by its jaws.

Few got the joke. I thought it was hilarious.

[D. Mented]

...Or you could get a couple of beige garbage bags, make one tube out of them (one split open on the bottom and taped to the other, which has the bottom still closed) draw a Trojan logo on it, make armholes and a face hole, and say "it's a condom...I'm a dick!"
Covers the legs, leaves the face clear to see, drink, talk, etc., easy to lift up the bottom when you need to relieve yourself, and it gets more amusing as people get drunker.
...Although I like the tree with snake and apple offering to corrupt the ladies.
D. Mented

[Jason Allen]

You have the look of the nerd and need to make it work for you. Go as an IRS agent and threaten audits. After a few drinks you might manage to make it sound dirty. "Hey, baby. How about coming back to my place and I'll 'audit your books.'" Go as a term life insurance agent or a Jehovah's Witness and torment people you don't like by droning on about being saved or insured.

[Jenny]

Nice plug, Scott :) I caved and visited the site, and I thought it was generally well designed, but I was turned off by the events page--which is a shame, since that's what you're trying to push right now. It's an image-location problem. The way the page shows up on my browser, all you can see without scrolling down is the announcement of half-price wine nights on Mondays and the top of that accompanying picture. If I hadn't read the blog post, I would have gotten the impression that that was the only event, as it was followed by an image rather than more text. Even when I did scroll down, the text-image-text-image format looked a bit sloppy and unprofessional. I think it would be more streamlined and readable if you moved the images into the huge column of empty space to the left of the text (perhaps equalizing the widths of the images). I hope you'll consider it--the events themselves look awesome!

[wheels]

You probably already saw this article, but note that the woman kept going to a dentist who fondled her six times.

"Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.

She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report."

[Penis Man]

Nothing beats this costume:
http://fakejayleno.blogspot.com/2007/08/kevin-eubanks-aka-penis-man.html

[TheJette]

Four Halloweenies? Good times indeed. I see you're not trying hard enough with the tree wit. Seems anything with that much wood would be an easy target. Additional targets: the fruit, berries, nuts, sap, sticks, dog urine, roots.
Can't see the forest for, um, me...

[wombi feh]

have you considered contact lenses? that solves the first question.

[larry horowitz]

When I was in college I had a costume that made me extremely popular...I was a working bong!

[Kira Golden]

the best costume i ever dreamed up was the year my little sister wanted to be a white tiger for halloween. it was also the year that Roy from Siegfried and Roy was mauled and nearly killed by one of his white tigers. so it may not have been very nice, but in addition to the white tiger outfit, we also dressed a ken doll in sequins, painted his hair black and made his neck all bloody and had my sister carry him around in her mouth. i thought it was hilarious...

[Fred Nurke]

I glued a loony (Canadian dollar) to each earlobe, wore a bandana, and went as a buccaneer (buck - an - ear ... get it?)

[Aditya Simha]

You could paint your face, arms and chest green, and wear some a real short flimsy shirt. And then in the party, roar fiercly and tear your shirt off! A la 'The Incredible Hulk'.

[Becky]

Ideas for people without costumes:

Serial killer
Hip young grandma/grandpa
Tonks (from Harry Potter)
your own twin
a KISS band member (sans-make-up)

I'm going as Shakira from the Ojos Asi music video... so, basically I'm dying my hair red. Well, I'm not really dressing up, but it's an excellent excuse to dye my hair!

[Bri]

Scott:

Why don’t you go as our beloved President. All you’ll need for your costume is a cheap Texan suit, a shiny flag pin, and blood on your hands. Or you could go as Dick Cheney. All you’ll need to do extra is wear a pair of glasses and replace your heart with the collective 4-F cards of your chicken-hawk friends.

–Hillary Clinton, with additional material by James Carville.

[Jan]

Today's comic is perfect! If you remember who/what inspired you, keep going back to it. Whoa!

About the costume: anything fluffy will probably get you a lot of hugs.

[Bruce]

I'd stab you myself, but I can't stand the sight of sap!