The Dilbert Blog

Man Loves Bicycle

Did you see the story about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml

I imagine the police interviewing him after his arrest. It probably went something like this:

Detective: Do you confess to having sex with a bicycle?

Bike Humper: Yes.

Detective: Was it a woman’s bicycle or a man’s bicycle?

Bike Humper: Dude, I’m not gay.

I have to wonder if the perpetrator is exclusively attracted to bicycles, or are other inanimate objects just as sexy? If so, I envy him on some level. There would be no such thing as a boring night at home. “Hellooooo, Lamp!”

He probably has his own set of private jokes he uses around the house: “Well, there’s nothing on TV tonight,” …pause for humorous effect…”except ME!”

If the perpetrator gets jail time, I would hate to be the other prisoner in his cell. I’d be afraid to fall asleep and appear inanimate for more than a minute. And I’d tape my toothbrush and tin cup to my chest. That would be a long five years.

My theory is that the perpetrator has a neighbor who keeps borrowing his shit, and this was his way of dealing with it. It almost worked. I’m practically certain no one will ask to borrow that bicycle. And his family will probably bury his bowling ball with him.

Or perhaps the man was too cheap to buy a bicycle lock and he was worried the cleaners would steal the bike. He had a choice of paying $12 for a lock, or humping the bike in front of them. Either way, the odds of bicycle theft plummeted. The thing he didn’t count on was the cleaners turning him over to authorities. I can see how he’d make that mistake. If you tell me you knew there was a law against loving your bicycle too much, you’re lying.

This story disturbs me on many levels. I was already concerned about becoming impotent from riding my bicycle. Now I’ll only ride my bicycle standing up, so no one will accuse me of teabagging it. I have enough problems.

[The joke I forgot to include: He would have done a unicycle, but his mother told him it would make him blind.]

CEOs Are Underpaid

From now on, I am only going to buy stock in companies that have the greatest disparity between the compensation of the CEO and the compensation of the workers. Thanks to a little thing I call science, this strategy looks like a winner. Yes, I will explain.

I came across two unrelated studies that I cleverly related. In one study, researchers found that happiness makes people successful.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/12/051219090811.htm

In another study, researchers found that sad workers are the most productive.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2001/06/010612065304.htm

To summarize the studies:

Happy = successful

Sad = productive

Now, if you were to describe the job of a CEO versus the job of a lower level worker, I think you might say the CEO needs to be successful (as opposed to productive) whereas the lower level worker needs to be productive (as opposed to successful). Ideally, everyone should be both successful and productive, but in terms of importance, you would prefer a successful CEO over one who has more meetings, or however else you would measure “productivity” in that job. And a factory worker, for example, needs to be productive more than he needs to “succeed,” if success even has meaning in that sort of job.

So it follows from the science that grossly overpaying a CEO makes good sense. It allows the CEO to be happy, which increases his odds of success, which is good for the stockholders. And best of all, overpaying a CEO makes the workers sad, which makes them more productive, which is also good for the stockholders.

You often see stories in the press about CEOs who are apparently overpaid. That used to annoy me. Now I realize the genius of it. Those overpaid CEOs are buying hookers and cocaine in a valiant effort to increase their happiness, and therefore their success, which lifts all boats. And by “all boats,” I mean the boats of everyone but the workers, who need to remain sad or the whole system breaks down.

If you would like to make your loved ones or coworkers more productive, try sending them the Amazon.com link to my new book with a note that says it is terrific and you read the entire thing on the Dilbert Blog while getting paid to allegedly work. Then toss in a "neener neener." That will make them a little bit sad, thus boosting their productivity.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

Kick Me in the Virtual Nuts

Tomorrow night, October 30th, at 9 pm EST, you can log on to the virtual world called Second Life (for free), and have your avatar kick my avatar in the nuts. Or punch me, or slap me.

Seriously.

I took digital photos of my head from all angles and had it turned into a 3-D character, called an avatar. I’ll be on stage answering questions in a public forum in Second Life tomorrow night. Each person will have a chance to come on stage and literally kick my avatar in the nuts. Or punch me, or slap me, or any combination. Just push a button to select your method of assault. My avatar is programmed to react to the blows but won’t fight back.

Your own avatar can be selected from a bunch of options. So you could be, for example, a giant squirrel. And if your spouse asks you why you are late for dinner, just say, “I’m a giant squirrel, and I’m kicking that cartoonist guy in the nuts.” For once, it will be true.

My avatar is a bit creepy looking because it has my head but the body of a 19-year old marathon runner. You’ll want to beat me up as soon as you see me, just for being so creepy. And if you disagreed with anything I’ve ever said in this blog, you’ll have more than enough motivation to pound my nuggets into my thorax.

You can also get a free digital poster of Dilbert and Dogbert, suitable for displaying on your digital wall in Second Life.

This idea was born of the old marketing truism, “Your customers tell you what business you are in.” In my case, this blog has evolved to a forum where I say unpopular things and my readers abuse me in the comments. I’m just extending that to the virtual world where you can take out your frustration at my stubborn refusal to recognize the truth and beauty of your opinions, by kicking me in the ‘nads. This is what you call being customer focused. I think Nordstrom could learn a thing or two from my example.

You’ll have to download the free client software from Second Life before using the system. That’s here:

http://secondlife.com/community/downloads.php

After you have signed up and chosen an avatar, this link will take you to my event:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kula%204/248/250/32/?img=http%3A//www.aimeeweber.com/ScottAdamsSlurl.jpg&title=Scott%20Adams%20Virtual%20Book%20Tour

And if you can't think of a reason to kick me in the nuts, allow me to mention far too often that my new book is out, called Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain! Available at local bookstores or on Amazon.com at

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

Being spontaneous

One of the many flaws in my personality is that I am not spontaneous. I confess I am baffled by the entire concept.

First, how do you define spontaneity? Is it even a real thing, or just a superstition? Is spontaneity based on how far in advance you have an idea, or on how irrational the idea is, or some combination of the two?

If I think of doing something a week in advance, I know that’s not spontaneous. A day in advance probably doesn’t count either. I assume an hour isn’t enough. But how about, say, five minutes in advance? Is that still premeditated, or is it getting closer to being spontaneous?

Apparently there is something wrong with my brain, because I have this bad habit of knowing what I want to do before I do it. The phrase you are unlikely to hear from me is, “Why did I just do that?” If I see a cookie that looks tasty, I almost always know it will end up in my mouth before it happens. A truly spontaneous person, assuming such a creature exists, would often say, “What is this in my mouth? How did it get there?”

I have to think a spontaneous life is unsettling, and that’s just considering the stuff you discover in your mouth, to name one orifice.

As you know, you can fake most character traits if you need to. You can fake sincerity, kindness, compassion, optimism, and all sorts of things. But you can’t fake spontaneity. I know because I’ve tried, and it always comes out sounding crazy. I’ll blurt out something like “Let’s walk to Cuba,” and look at my wife to see if I nailed the spontaneous thing. So far, no luck. It’s an elusive concept.

I only know one group of people who are consistently spontaneous, and most of them are already in jail. The rest will follow. Women value spontaneity, so that probably explains why death row inmates get marriage proposals all the time. When you remove the part of a man’s mind that usually says, “Perhaps I should think about this before doing it,” that is pure hotness.

Speaking of hot, my new book, Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain! is a top five humor book on Amazon, if you subtract the books that are in the wrong category.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/4456/ref=pd_zg_hrsr_b_1_3/103-9776601-4063019

I wasn't planning to plug my book in this post, but it just happened. I think you will agree that's totally hot.

Now THAT’S a Party!

Did you read about the six beer-drinking elephants in India? The elephants found drums of fermenting rice beer on a farm, partied too hard, then uprooted utility poles and electrocuted themselves. The fascinating part is that because they are elephants, they still remember that night.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21432722/?GT1=10450

My first reaction to that story was, “I’ll have what they’re having!” You don’t get to use that joke often, and I don’t like to miss an opportunity.

I’m no marketing expert, but if I were the farmer whose beer they drank, I’d start calling it “Shocking Elephant” and I’d design the coolest beer bottles ever. They’d be in the shape of an elephant with his trunk straight out, and that’s the part you would drink from.

On the back label, I’d include a handy guide to what level of stupid you could expect after consuming each bottle. At the top of the scale, after ten bottles, you would have “probable accidental electrocution.” At the bottom of the scale, after drinking one elephant or two, the problems would be “Thinking you are witty” and “Mild attraction to your friend’s mom.”

As I understand it, when you get electrocuted, it makes you crap. Imagine being the first person to find these six dead elephants, in 40 tons of elephant poop, wrapped in live power cables. I would dive into the bushes and hope no one saw me. My fear would be that my neighbor who owns the land might say, “Can you help me clean this up?”

They say there’s a tool for everything, but I checked my toolkit, and there’s nothing there for cleaning up six electrocuted elephants in a mountain of shit. How do you even approach this problem? Do you wait for them to harden, then cut them up with chainsaws, put them in plastic garbage bags and distribute them to dumpsters all over town?

In the short run, you could charge admission to see the six dead elephants. I’d pay a rupee or two for that. I might even take the kids. There aren’t many things the whole family can enjoy, but I’m pretty sure this is one of them.

Perhaps this is why I’m not in charge of planning weekends.

Speaking of dead elephants rotting in piles of crap, my new book is a perfect gift for the person in your life who knows how to read and can’t stop bragging about it. You can get the book at Amazon or any local bookstore. On Amazon, it's the #1 best selling humor book about business, even though it's not about business.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

David Cop a Feel

Did you see in the news that a woman has accused famous magician David Copperfield of sexual assault?

http://openbanter.com/showpost.php?id=621

If he’s innocent, I would like to be David Copperfield’s defense lawyer. I would argue that my client doesn’t need to assault women because he knows magic. When he wants some action, all he has to do is make a willing woman materialize. The judge would admonish me for not being serious, at which point I would do a theatrical turn toward my client and say, “BEHOLD!” In a prearranged move, Copperfield would pull a blanket from his sleeve, drape it over the defense table, wave his arms, and a pair of feet would appear under the table, high heels facing the judge. Then my client would lean his head back and start moaning.

The judge would start banging his gavel, (so to speak), and I would turn to the jury and yell, “I REST MY CASE!”

If that didn’t work, I’d put the accuser on the stand and ask, “How can you be so sure my client touched you?” As she answered the question, I would nod to my magician client and have him do the trick where his hand comes out of my zipper and waves hello. Then I would say in my most sarcastic voice, “SO, TELL US AGAIN HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT KNOWING WHERE MY CLIENT’S HANDS ARE.”

Then I would ask the bailiff to bring me the Bible on which the accuser swore an oath. I would ask the accuser to read any passage aloud. By then, my magician client would have pulled the switcheroo, and the accuser would be reading something from Mein Kampf. I would turn to the jury and say, “That’s not the Jesus I know!”

I haven’t heard what evidence the prosecution will present, but for the sake of this blog, let’s hope it involves a semen-stained dress. When the police officer shows the court this piece of evidence, I would ask him if there was any way my client’s DNA could be on that dress without sex. The police officer would say sex was the only explanation. Then I would ask the bailiff to turn down the lights. I would signal to my client to do his magic, then take out a black light and show that the policeman’s own uniform is covered with my client’s semen, and not just a little. He’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy exploded on him.

I only joke about this because I think it’s unlikely the alleged crime happened. But if it turns out that the handsome, famous, charismatic magician who earns over $40 million a year and dates supermodels is forcing himself on women, I support the death penalty. And that’s only partly because watching him try to escape from the gas chamber after he’s strapped down would be good TV.

Hiring Republicans

I put a question on Predictify.com asking how many of my new book would be in print by the end of January. The average of the predictions is over 304,000. http://www.predictify.com/AuctionView.aspx?ID=176

As the creator of the question, I get special rights to look at the demographics of the predictors to see what kind of correlations there are. I noticed there isn’t much difference in the predictions by religion or gender or level of education and so on. But two categories jumped out.

Notice the difference in average predictions by political affiliation:

Republicans:  352,000
Democrats:    286,000
Independents: 275,000

Are Republicans more optimistic than Democrats, and are they projecting that optimism on my book? That’s my hypothesis. And it tracks with the fact that independents have the lowest predictions. I think the cynics and pessimists are the people least likely to be part of an organized movement.

The other big difference in predictions was by employment:

Students:   325,000
Employed:   295,000
Unemployed: 164,000

Those predictions also track with what I imagine is the level of optimism for those demographic groups. Students are idealistic and don’t appreciate how hard the real world is going to be. They are optimists. People with jobs are likely to be far more optimistic than unemployed people.

Hypothetically, suppose researchers confirmed that Republicans are the most optimistic people by nature. Since optimism is an important contributor to success, if you were trying to fill a position in your company, would it make economic sense to favor Republicans, even if you held a different political view?

Speaking of my book, Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain!, that I am shamelessly plugging all week, here’s a link to Amazon, or you can get it in your local bookstore. (I gave you two posts today to compensate for my inexcusable capitalism.)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852

Why You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

Last night I attended a meeting at our local school. It was part of a larger program put on by the police to teach parents how to prevent their kids from using drugs when they get older.

My personal objective was to make it through the night without making any inappropriate jokes that would embarrass my wife. It was a narrow escape.

Let me tell you, there are some situations where it is physically painful to be me. There was one point in the program where I think I ruptured a spleen trying to keep the jokes in. It came during the module on methamphetamines.

A parent asked why anyone would take meth, given all the downside risk and side effects. One of the policemen answered that meth releases 50 times more serotonin in the brain than an orgasm. Then they showed a before and after picture that looked a lot like this one:

http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/photo_8.html

So I’m sitting there, doing the calculations in my head: Okay, that’s 4.5 years of meth use, once a day, 365 days in a year, 50 times more serotonin than an orgasm…that’s the equivalent of 80,000 orgasms.

On the downside, your teeth rot out, your skin itches until you scratch it off, you vomit, have withdrawals, possibly burn down the neighborhood, and roll around in your own filth while your life becomes a living Hell. And there is the jail thing.

Still, 80,000 orgasms…

I wanted to raise my hand while the “before and after” pictures were up and ask, “Isn’t that what anyone would look like after 80,000 orgasms?”

Or maybe, “So, on balance, you’re saying it’s totally worth it? Or am I doing the math wrong?”

But I didn’t. I listened for two and a half hours and tried my best to avoid looking like I had any of the telltale symptoms of hardcore addiction the policemen kept describing. I’m highly suggestible, so this was difficult. When they talked about the uncontrollable fidgeting, I realized I was fidgeting. When they talked about red eyes, I felt as if all the moisture in mine had evaporated. When they talked about the teeth grinding, I had an uncontrollable impulse to grind mine. I took deep breaths and tried to meditate so my pulse wouldn’t be too high – a sure sign of ecstacy use. I don’t think I was alone. The audience looked like a warehouse of mannequins by the end of the night. No one wanted to be a conspicuous fidgeter.

Then there was the bad guessing. The policeman would hold up a bag of one sort of drug or another and ask if anyone knew how much it would cost. No one wanted to nail the estimate on the first guess and have the drug dogs tearing out the upholstery in their minivan five minutes later. I was planning my own bad estimates in case I got called on. It would have gone something like this: “That looks like about a pound of cocaine, so I’m guessing it would be worth nine or ten dollars on the street. Am I close?”

I managed to get through the night without embarrassing myself, and without getting strip searched. I even got a free cookie, which spiked my blood glucose level and gave me a mild high, but I couldn’t enjoy it.

Monkey Attack

You can only imagine how many people forwarded me the story about a gang of monkeys attacking and killing the deputy mayor of Delhi, in India. Apparently this had “my kind of story” written all over it.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm

According to the BBC, devout Hindus think monkeys are the manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman. Allow me to digress right here and confess that I could type the words “monkey god” all day long, and doing so would make me happy each and every time. For some wonderful reason, that combination of words – monkey god – releases a little snort of serotonin directly into the part of my brain that likes it the most.

Monkey god...monkey god...monkey god...Aaaaah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Anyway, devout Hindus often feed nuts and bananas to the monkeys. So it should come as no surprise that monkeys will occasionally jump on your balcony, grab your nuts, and try to get their paws on your banana. This is why the phrase “had it coming” was invented.

The Indian solution to the problem involves training large monkeys to beat up the small ones. This can’t end well. In my country, we complain that defense contractors are drumming up reasons for war. In India, it looks like the monkey training industry is getting too influential. Their solution to every problem is larger monkeys. But you need to breed ever larger monkeys to beat up the previous monkeys. That’s all well and good until one of them climbs to the top of the Taj Mahal and starts swatting jets.

If I were invited to the funeral, or whatever they call it in India, and I was not a close friend or relative, I don’t know if I could behave myself. Let’s say I was the deputy mayor’s driver, and I was friendly with the dearly departed, but not friends. I think I would spend the entire ceremony going up to different family members and asking, “So, how did he die? No one mentioned it yet.” My entire objective would be to trick a great aunt into saying, “The monkeys tried to grab his nuts, but he didn’t have enough nuts to go around. A scuffle broke out, and he went over a railing.”

I don’t know how reincarnation works, but I’m guessing the deputy mayor will come back as a monkey hater. He might not be too fond of me either.

In unrelated news, my new book, based on the funnier posts from my blog, is available in local bookstores and on Amazon at...

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=
dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325
&creativeASIN=1591841852

IT'S A BOOK!!! IT'S A CONTEST!!!

Did you notice that the The Dilbert Blog archive suspiciously disappeared last spring? A big publisher agreed with your frequent suggestions that I should turn the funnier posts into a book. So I did, and as part of that deal removed the book content from the Internet.

The book’s title is inspired by the many insults hurled at me on this blog. It’s called STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN! And it hits stores today.

Now, you might wonder what would inspire you to read a book full of funny noodlings that you might have seen on this blog. Answer: It makes a lovely gift for the people in your life who are seriously twisted and don’t read blogs. You might know someone in that category.

If you plan to snag a copy of the book, it helps me the most if you do it this week, so it picks up momentum. Here’s the Amazon link, or visit your local book seller.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=
dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325
&creativeASIN=1591841852

My only book signing will be at my restaurant, Stacey’s at Waterford, on November 7th from 5 to 7 p.m., facilitated by Barnes & Noble. See www.eatatstaceys.com and click “events.”

BOOK BLURB CONTEST
==================

You know those personal endorsements you see on the back cover of books? Those are called “blurbs.” You can win valuable prizes, and maybe see your blurb on the back of my book after the next printing, by entering the STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN! book blurb contest right here.

(U.S. Residents only. Sorry! The book is only available in the U.S. for now too. More countries will follow.)

The detailed contest rules are below. Just submit a humorously over-the-top book blurb in the comments to this blog post. (Don’t worry that you have never seen the book.)

The top winner gets a framed original Dilbert strip worth $1,500, and your blurb might appear on the back cover of the book after the next print run. Twenty-five runners up get signed copies of the book, with a little sketch of Dogbert on the inside.

An example of a funny book blurb would go something like this: “I laughed so hard, one of my kidneys shook loose and I pooped it out. I can’t wait for the sequel!”

Or “My acne cleared up, and I threw away the Viagra!”

Or “I was illiterate until I heard about this book. Finally there was a reason to read!”

You get the idea. The wilder the better.

OFFICIAL CONTEST RULES YOU PROBABLY WON’T READ
==============================================

ELIGIBILITY. The Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain! Book Blurb Contest
(“Contest”) is open to legal U.S. residents physically residing in the United States and DC, who are the age of majority in their home state as of the Contest start date, and who have Internet access prior to the Contest start date (in some cases, the age of majority may be older than 18 years of age) (“Contestants”). This Contest is void outside of the United States, in Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, U.S. Military installations in foreign countries, all other U.S. territories and possessions, and wherever else restricted or prohibited by law. Employees and immediate families of United Media, Penguin Group and Scott Adams, Inc. and their respective parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, directors, owners, employees and agents are not eligible. The Contest is sponsored by Scott Adams, Inc. (“Sponsor”). This Contest is subject to all applicable federal, state and local laws. 

The Contest begins 10/22/07 at 6:00 a.m. Pacific Time (“PT”) and ends 10/31/07 at 11:59 p.m. ET (“Contest Period”). ALL ENTRIES MUST BE SUBMITTED DURING THE CONTEST SUBMISSION PERIOD. By participating, Contestants agree to be bound by these Official Rules and the decisions of the Judges and/or Sponsors, which are binding and final on matters relating to this Contest. 

HOW TO ENTER. Online Submissions only.  Here is how to enter: during the Contest Period, access the Dilbert blog located at www.dilbert.typepad.com (the “Blog”) and submit a short and humorous book endorsement in the comments section to the blog post where you are reading these rules, together with your full name and email address (“Submission”). You can be as creative as you like within the Submission Guidelines set forth in these Rules. All entries must be received during the Contest Period as determined by the computer time on Sponsor’s server. Incomplete, garbled, or otherwise illegible Submissions are void and will not be accepted.  Sponsor is not responsible for lost, late, misdirected or corrupted Submissions, and for any problems, bugs or malfunctions Contestants may encounter when submitting or posting their Submissions. Sponsor reserves the right to disqualify false entries or entries suspected of being false. Submissions must be submitted in the specially designated comments section of the Blog.  Submissions may not be mailed or faxed or electronically forwarded to Sponsor, and any e-mailed submissions will be destroyed.

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. In addition to the other terms contained in these Official Rules, your Submission must be a humorous comment endorsing or complimenting Scott Adams’ new book, Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain! It must be [50] words or less.  For example, by way of illustration only, a Submission may be: “After reading this book, my acne cleared up and I threw away the Viagra!” Your Submission must also comply with the Blog Terms of Use. Your Submission must be an original work of authorship created by the person who submits the entry. Submissions may not contain any illegal subject matter. Contestants may not copy or otherwise plagiarize the Submission from any source, nor may the Submissions include third party copyrighted material. Contestants agree to indemnify Sponsor against any and all claims from any third party for any use by Sponsor of Submission.

JUDGING AND NOTIFICATION. Judging will be completed in one (1) round.  All entries will be prescreened to insure the entries have correctly met the Submission Guidelines and meet with Sponsor’s general standards and practices prior to any judging (“Qualified Entries”). Judging of all Qualified Entries received on or before the Contest end date will begin on or about 11/1/07 by Scott Adams. The first phase will be a screening round where entries that do not qualify as humorous or appropriate per the contest guidelines will be eliminated. Each remaining Submission will be judged on a 100-point scale for humor and creativity.

The one (1) submission with the highest number of points will be deemed the Grand Prize Selected Contestant.  The twenty-five (25) Submissions with the next highest numbers of points will be deemed the Second Prize Selected Contestants. In the event of a tie, the tying entries will be rescored to determine a Selected Contestant.  Selected Contestant will be required to respond (as directed) to the e-mail notification within 72 hours of attempted notification.  The failure to respond timely to the notification may result in forfeiture of the prize; and, in such case, Sponsor may choose the next highest scoring Submission from among the remaining eligible submissions.  The Selected Contestant will also be sent an affidavit of eligibility / liability / publicity release (“Release”).  Unless restricted by law, each Selected Contestant will be required to complete and return the Release within the time period specified therein. Should Selected Contestant be unwilling or otherwise unable to provide such releases or otherwise cannot accept or receive the prize for any reason, a Contestant with the next highest score will be chosen from the remaining entries until one who is able to meet all requirements can be selected. In the event of noncompliance with the foregoing requirements or if prize notification is returned as undeliverable, prize will be forfeited and, at Sponsor’s discretion, an alternate Selected Contestant will be selected.  Selected Contestants’ full names and Submissions will be posted on the Blog and affiliate web sites, on or around 11/15/08 and all or part of his/her Submission may potentially be posted or published for use, viewing and/or implementation by third parties throughout the world.

LICENSE: As a condition of receiving any prize, all Contestants hereby provide a One Hundred Eighty (180) day exclusive irrevocable worldwide license to Sponsor after which time, Sponsor shall retain a perpetual non-exclusive license to use all Submissions in any and all media throughout the world, in perpetuity, for any purpose whatsoever, without any additional compensation, the term of which shall be the entire life of the copyright. Should any Contestant be unwilling or otherwise unable to enter into license, or provide permissions and or releases or otherwise cannot accept or receive the prize for any reason, the Contestant with the next highest score will be chosen from the remaining entries until one who is able to meet all requirements can be selected. CONTESTANTS WILL NOT BE PAID FOR THEIR SUBMISSIONS or for granting Sponsor any of these rights.

PRIZES. 

One (1) Grand Prize: A framed and signed original Dilbert comic selected by Sponsor in its sole discretion.  Approximate Retail Value of First Prize (“ARV”): $1,500. Additionally, the Grand Prize winner’s submission might appear on the back cover of subsequent print runs of Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain!

Twenty Five (25) Second Prizes: one (1) autographed copy of the book Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain.  ARV of Second Prizes: $16.47.

Total ARV of Prizes: $1,911.75. Selected Contestants cannot assign or transfer the prize to another person. Any costs or fees not specifically listed herein are the responsibility of Selected Contestants. No substitution, transfer, or cash redemption of prize, provided however that Sponsor reserves the right to substitute a prize with another prize of equal or greater value should the advertised prize become unavailable for any reason. In the event that insufficient qualified entries are received, Sponsor reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to not award all prizes. Prizes will be shipped to U.S. addresses only.

CONDITIONS. Contest is subject to these Official Rules.  By participating, Contestants agree: (i) to be bound by these complete Official Rules and the decisions of Sponsor which shall be final and binding; and (ii) to waive any right to claim ambiguity in the Contest or these Official Rules, except where prohibited by law.  By accepting a prize, Selected Contestant agrees to release United Media, Penguin Group, Scott Adams and Scott Adams, Inc., including their parent, subsidiary and affiliated entities together with the respective directors, employees, officers, licensees, licensors and agents, and respective advertising and promotion entities and any person or entity associated with the production, judging, or administration of the Contest, (collectively, the “Releasees”) from any and all liability, loss or damage arising from or in connection with awarding, receipt and/or use or misuse of prize or participation in any prize-related activities.  Sponsor reserves the right to cancel or suspend the Contest, in its sole discretion, should it receive fewer than [50] entries, or receive no entries that have a judged score above 80 points, or due to circumstances beyond its control, including natural disasters.  Submissions will not be returned and may be destroyed.  Sponsor may prohibit a Contestant from participating in the Contest or winning a prize if, in its sole discretion, it determines such Contestant is attempting to undermine the legitimate operation of the Contest by cheating, deception, or any other unfair playing practices of intending to annoy, abuse, threaten, undermine or harass any other players or Sponsor representatives.  Disputes regarding these Official Rules and/or this Contest will be governed by the internal laws of the State of California. Taxes, if any, are the sole responsibility of Selected Contestant, and Contestants may be issued an IRS Form 1099 for the ARV of any awarded prize.

PUBLICITY.  Sponsor reserves the right to use the Submissions for publicity purposes prior to or after the Contest end date, in any media, and to use the name, likeness, hometown of any Contestant, including all or part of their Submissions throughout the world, without any compensation or prior review unless specifically prohibited by law. Contestants understand and agree that, by entering this Contest, all or part of their Submissions may potentially be posted or published for use, viewing and/or implementation by third parties throughout the world, with or without credit to Contestants.

PRIVACY. All personal information collected by Sponsor will be used only for administration of the Contest.

OFFICIAL RULES AND WINNERS LIST.  For a copy of these Official Rules or the name of Selected Contestants, e-mail your request to: [email protected]. Request must be received by January 31, 2008. 

[Note: This posted twice because of a system problem. Submissions to both posts will count.]