Last night I attended a meeting at our local school. It was part of a larger program put on by the police to teach parents how to prevent their kids from using drugs when they get older.
My personal objective was to make it through the night without making any inappropriate jokes that would embarrass my wife. It was a narrow escape.
Let me tell you, there are some situations where it is physically painful to be me. There was one point in the program where I think I ruptured a spleen trying to keep the jokes in. It came during the module on methamphetamines.
A parent asked why anyone would take meth, given all the downside risk and side effects. One of the policemen answered that meth releases 50 times more serotonin in the brain than an orgasm. Then they showed a before and after picture that looked a lot like this one:
http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/photo_8.html
So I’m sitting there, doing the calculations in my head: Okay, that’s 4.5 years of meth use, once a day, 365 days in a year, 50 times more serotonin than an orgasm…that’s the equivalent of 80,000 orgasms.
On the downside, your teeth rot out, your skin itches until you scratch it off, you vomit, have withdrawals, possibly burn down the neighborhood, and roll around in your own filth while your life becomes a living Hell. And there is the jail thing.
Still, 80,000 orgasms…
I wanted to raise my hand while the “before and after” pictures were up and ask, “Isn’t that what anyone would look like after 80,000 orgasms?”
Or maybe, “So, on balance, you’re saying it’s totally worth it? Or am I doing the math wrong?”
But I didn’t. I listened for two and a half hours and tried my best to avoid looking like I had any of the telltale symptoms of hardcore addiction the policemen kept describing. I’m highly suggestible, so this was difficult. When they talked about the uncontrollable fidgeting, I realized I was fidgeting. When they talked about red eyes, I felt as if all the moisture in mine had evaporated. When they talked about the teeth grinding, I had an uncontrollable impulse to grind mine. I took deep breaths and tried to meditate so my pulse wouldn’t be too high – a sure sign of ecstacy use. I don’t think I was alone. The audience looked like a warehouse of mannequins by the end of the night. No one wanted to be a conspicuous fidgeter.
Then there was the bad guessing. The policeman would hold up a bag of one sort of drug or another and ask if anyone knew how much it would cost. No one wanted to nail the estimate on the first guess and have the drug dogs tearing out the upholstery in their minivan five minutes later. I was planning my own bad estimates in case I got called on. It would have gone something like this: “That looks like about a pound of cocaine, so I’m guessing it would be worth nine or ten dollars on the street. Am I close?”
I managed to get through the night without embarrassing myself, and without getting strip searched. I even got a free cookie, which spiked my blood glucose level and gave me a mild high, but I couldn’t enjoy it.
"Posted by: Amit | October 24, 2007 at 11:21 PM
Adam: I agree that not all drugs are equal in their impact. Alcohol and nicotine are hardly equivalent to heroin and crack."
You're absolutely right, but for absolutely the wrong reasons. Alcohol & nicotine kill orders of magnitude more people than heroin & crack ever will...
Posted by: zarathustra | April 22, 2008 at 09:26 AM
Methamphetamine is a very addictive stimulant drug that activates certain systems in the brain. It is chemically related to amphetamine but, at comparable doses, the effects of methamphetamine are much more potent, longer lasting, and more harmful to the central nervous system (CNS).
Methamphetamine abuse actually may worsen the progression of HIV and its consequences; studies with methamphetamine abusers who have HIV indicate that the HIV causes greater neuronal injury and cognitive impairment compared with HIV-positive people who do not use drugs.
Posted by: drug addiction treatment center | February 14, 2008 at 10:12 AM
80,000 orgasms?!
Most people have sex less than 100 times a year. Let's say I have active sex for 50 years. That's only 5,000 times.
No wonder people do meth.
Posted by: adora | November 03, 2007 at 06:27 PM
The "Faces of Meth" makes it look like their campaign is designed to convince shallow teens that "meth gives you bad hair."
Posted by: Scott Alan Miller | November 02, 2007 at 11:04 AM
This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Not just funny, but stays with you for a long time. 80k orgasms. Outstanding. Just enjoy the moment!
Posted by: Pete | October 31, 2007 at 06:52 AM
If one considers drugs to be an escape from reality, then our twisted tainted impossible pseudo-reality must bear some of the responsibility for so many people (and inanimate objects, too!) trying to escape it...
http://911blimp.net/prf_FreeFallPhysics.shtml
http://911u.org/Physics/
Sadly, tragically, "The War Against Terrorism" (aka TWAT) is every bit as bogus as the so-called war against drugs.
Posted by: 911 student | October 30, 2007 at 01:08 PM
~A parent asked why anyone would take meth, given all the downside risk and side effects. ~
THAT, to me, is the funniest statement!
When faced with alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex, even unhealthy food, does ANYONE, especially teens, ponder on the downside risks and side effects before indulging?
HELL no! They dive right in to whatever!
Because everyone tends to think "it won't happen to me".
ESPECIALLY teenagers who think they are invincible and MUCH smarter than any adult!
Posted by: Dee | October 30, 2007 at 11:32 AM
made me think of a link i saw on youtube a while back.. from a dutch (?) tv show, the subject of which was 'medical malpractice'. the guy they had on the show had been into hospital for an un-named operation, and his notes had been mixed up with someone else, so he wakes up having had his testicles removed, entirely unnecessarily. not *really* very funny, i agree..
so the presenter starts explaining the story, then turns to the guest and says "so the first thing you noticed was your voice had changed, is that correct?" and the guest starts to reply.. in a cartoon-character voice.. he sounds like a dutch mickey mouse, and the presenter just cracks up.. he is hysterical with laughter, and can't ask any more questions, totally bent double. the whole audience is totally stone-faced, and needless to say the guest isn't overly amused, and starts asking "do you think my voice is funny?" over and over, in his funny voice.. you can actually see the moment that the presenter lost his job..
the whole set-up wasn't funny, but the presenter losing the plot was hilarious.. I'll try to find the link when i get home from work later
Posted by: Hannah | October 30, 2007 at 07:59 AM
I think the bigger question is how many orgasms does a person have in their lifetime? I figure my total is somewhere around 9000. I estimate this total on averaging one a day since I was 14. Ya know, because I practiced a lot when I was a teenager..... No wait!! Not me!! I mean one of my friends!! Aw shit I gotta go.
Posted by: CJT | October 27, 2007 at 01:50 PM
Scott, we can bring you anywhere twice... the second time to apologise
Posted by: Dave | October 26, 2007 at 08:57 AM
You found that funny Sir? I'll tell you whats funnier - that Steve Irwin died of a sting ray attack. Making fun of someone's culture is neither clever nor funny.
Posted by: Vishwapriya | October 26, 2007 at 12:49 AM
I remember , at the impressionable age of 16, watching a don't do drugs assembly during red ribbon week. This peppy blonde was bouncing around the stage, tell us all about how if we didn't do drugs we could be just like her. I wasn't a goth, but i was definately near that end of the social spectrum, i like to think of it as victorian-age bohemian poet, so peppy had NO appeal. Those words scared me... Just like her. That very afternoon i tried pot for the first time, because i never want to be just like her.
Posted by: Phoenix | October 25, 2007 at 09:54 PM
i can relate! my high school had a pot problem ( not as bad as most drugs out there) and the parents of our small town were concerned. so about 3-4 times a year the entire school was jammed in a same gym to hear a motivational speaker talk about how bad drugs are. one was a ex- biker that was really hard to take seriously. but the worst was a guy who though is entire speech kept saying how he was friends with a vj on much music, which really has nothing to do with anything. however the kids who the lecture was really for all skipped these things to smoke pot!
Posted by: Kendra | October 25, 2007 at 09:00 PM
The problem I have with that is that I don't believe it's possible to accurately measure the amount of serotonin released in the brain by an orgasm. Unless having measurement devices attached to (inserted in?) you is a turn on, I guess. But still... I would guess whatever they measured was probably on the low end, and what about really good ones? I bet it's not more than 5 times a really good one... and 5 times that would probably kill me, hence my staying away from drugs.
Posted by: Amy | October 25, 2007 at 06:43 PM
Your wife can't take you anywhere either? At these sorts of things I tell her I have the runs, so I could run to the bathroom and laugh a lot.
Someone should have explained that mentioning 80,000 orgasms is not going to discourage use. Bad Marketing.
"Meth the new safe sex." (TM)
Posted by: Mark S. | October 25, 2007 at 01:06 PM
Those folks look pretty poorly to start with.
Posted by: Noah Vaile | October 25, 2007 at 12:58 PM
is it just me or does this guy
http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/photo_9.html
and this guy
http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/index.html
both look a little like nick nolte... just saying
Posted by: natalie | October 25, 2007 at 08:32 AM
"So I’m sitting there, doing the calculations in my head: Okay, that’s 4.5 years of meth use, once a day, 365 days in a year, 50 times more serotonin than an orgasm…that’s the equivalent of 80,000 orgasms.
"On the downside, your teeth rot out, your skin itches until you scratch it off, you vomit, have withdrawals, possibly burn down the neighborhood, and roll around in your own filth while your life becomes a living Hell. ... Still, 80,000 orgasms…"
Sounds like "Better Than Life," the total-immersion, totally addictive reality simulation game from "Red Dwarf."
Posted by: Tom Beck | October 25, 2007 at 08:31 AM
Are you sure the cop isn't doing some drug dealing on the side?
He is selling you the benefits of the dope with all the orgasm talk.
And he is asking how much the dope is worth to you.
I would go with the highest bidder.
Posted by: Felix | October 25, 2007 at 07:05 AM
Aaah.. jackpot.
For reasons like that is why I don't talk much.
My brain delivers approximately 1 inappropiate comment per minute, but I always fear retaliation or someone giving me a bad look.
So most of them I keep to myself.
Posted by: Felix | October 25, 2007 at 07:00 AM
Nice article !
I really don't know how I will handle it.
Posted by: CeDriC | October 25, 2007 at 06:12 AM
Josh - that dollar-in-the-diaper thing is the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. It even beats much of Scott's stuff (sorry, Scott ;) ).
Posted by: Richard Gosling | October 25, 2007 at 04:55 AM
Snorting the cookie would have been an excellent end to the meeting.
Posted by: Ponchiaz | October 25, 2007 at 04:53 AM
"Just that after adding this feat to my belt, there will probably be no one willing to shake my hands to congratulate me.
Posted by: disabled"
Sure, who wants to risk a crushed hand!
Posted by: Mark | October 25, 2007 at 04:21 AM
Partially in agreement with Adam, and thinking of the talks you get in schools....
If there were no upside to drugs whatsoever, people would not take them. Clearly, there IS a significant up-side to taking drugs. Adam notes increased perception. Sports fans will agree that a beer improves a game of baseball.
In short - drugs have good points.
People - and kids in particular - know this. People are not that dumb. When they see a presentation that is so grossly unbalanced "drugs are all bad" they ignore it. They KNOW drugs have good sides, so anyone who stands up and says "Drugs are all bad, m'kay?" loses all credibility.
I firmly believe that balanced drug education would have better effects that the simple "Drugs=All Bad" equation that is more commonly used - and which everyone with even a grain of intelligence knows is false.
Posted by: Anfauglir | October 25, 2007 at 03:43 AM