Sleeping Skill

I can take a nap almost anywhere. When I travel, I’m often asleep before the flight takes off. I can even fall asleep in the dentist’s chair waiting for the Novacaine to kick in. At night, I’m asleep in about five minutes.

I wasn’t always that way. Falling asleep is a skill. I’ll tell you my method.

I always start by creating a simple story in my head where something good, and highly unlikely, happens to me. The trick is to focus on something that is more fascinating than your real life. Maybe you are winning a prestigious award, inventing something that changes the world, or being the first person on the scene of an accident involving the Cirque de Soleil and a tanker of chemicals that turn out to be a powerful aphrodisiac. The images should be more attractive than whatever bothersome thoughts would float into your head if you weren’t so busy fantasizing.

After a minute or two of that, I release all controlled thoughts and simply watch what floats by. When my eyes are closed, the part of my brain that interprets vision is apparently still active, because I can see all sorts of random objects drifting by, as if a mall exploded in space. I try to identify and name them as I see them.

Toaster…car…pencil…couch…snow blower, mitten, etc.

The next thing I know, I wake up.

That’s my method. What do you think about when you are trying to sleep?

Comments

[Peter]

I think about the six "Old Milwaukee" cans I just drank. My method also never fails. Of course, it used to be just one can.

[Rob]

This is really good.

[bcammack]

Almost identical except I lose conciousness before the drifting objects. Sometimes, it's prefaced by an "are all my muscles relaxed?" inventory process.

[AttaTude]

...for those folks who complain about having to see ads the cure is get the Firefox browser and stop using Internet Explorer. Addons available for Firefox will block all ads. I've read your blog everyday for years and have yet to see an ad. (except yours of course) :-) I don't see this as "cheating", just using the best browser out there.

AttaTude

[Euan]

Um... I'm feeling a noob question coming on here... I don't think I understand how this advertising revenue thing works. I thought the system was based on you providing advertising space on your website - like renting out a bill board. Do I have to click on an adverts for it to count towards your hits? Do I actually have to express an interest in the products and services offered? If I do, I'll be clicking on everything that moves. I think you deserve at least that small effort from me.

[Mr Steve]

I got 2 jokes in one. I read the post in my RSS aggregator and it ended mid-sentence... suggesting that Scott had quite literally fallen asleep half-way through writing his blog post. Imagine my surprise when I came here and saw that there were extra jokes! Hurrah! Only then did I notice that, after 2 jokes, there was no where else to go; I was not led to an extra, mega-joke that might blow away my expectations for a third time and I began to drift slowly back to my usual, melancholy state. Out of desperation I tried clicking on the ads, but that didn't make me happy. Then I realised that Scott may be a few pence richer for my actions and that cheered me a little.

[LM]

"don't think about anything. I simply fall asleep due to exhaustion. Try it sometime."

Same method here. Run myself into the ground every day, burn the candle at both ends, and WALA, I'm asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.

[Thorsten]

I imagine myself in an Indiana Jones-like adventure story. A few minutes later I'm deep asleep. Works nearly every night.

[PaulyB]

I don't know but it must be good because I always wake up with an erection.

[Alan]

having sung your praises before many times it saddens me to do this.

personally I dont have a method, but if I ever need one all I will have to do is re-read that post. YAWN !!!!!!

[tajna]

gosh - my method exactly!!! only i always have been to embarassed to tell anyone i make myself fall asleep with my own image as a first person chosen to communicate the message of UFO to earthling, wining a Nobel prize, getting saved by a gorgeous stranger, finding a largest diamond on earth, you name it...

uf, can't wait till the evening.

[Riho]

Lame, very lame. I was forced to make a cutout from paper to avoid looking at the adds by mistake.

[Joe Cooper]

"I'm just sad that feeds are being shortened to force people to come read and get fed ads. Sad."

I'm sad that people are treating Scott like he's obligated to give them free entertainment. Sad.

Wanker.

[The BGM]

'Is it appropriate to take another sip of vodka, lime and soda at 04h11?'

That's always 0.1 seconds after my head hits the bedroom floor.

[makowski]

I love that Steven Wright joke

"my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep well?"

I said, "No, I made some mistakes."

[Elton]

I can also usually fall asleep just by lying down and relaxing my body and clearing my mind, but Scott's method sounds good too.

I also don't mind having to click through from my RSS reader to get here. I love them Firefox tabs.

[Hans]

Well screw this... I'm still gonna read it though.. it's just too good.

[Edwin]

I just read some scientific article. At about pragraph three I have already lost the entire logic, fail to understand anything, especially since I am half dozing. Every now and then I wake up, light still on and book or magazine open.

[Divya]

Dam.. i always do that too.. imagine and make up a story involving usually me and something id like very much to happen.. Alas i always turns out being so interesting ha i keeps me up, wanting more...

[Gabriel]

My sleeping patterns are like clockwork. Fall asleep at midnight and wake at 7-8am everyday. No alarm required!

[Ferran]

TURD! TURD! TURD! TURD!
I actually come to this blog looking for Rita's comments. And I see many other readers do the same.
So it's only fair to use part of the money from the ads in this blog to raise a fund for Rita's operation, don't you think?

How to sleep? Sex is always the best, either with your couple or alone, nothing gets you as relaxed.
Did you ever hear the sentence "better than sex"? If someone says it I always want to shake them: "What's wrong with you? Nothing! Nothing is better than sex! you're probably doing it wrong!"

[XCondE]

Nice going cutting the RSS feed by half. It has actually saved me time: if I don't like the first few lines of your post I simply skip to the next one.

And I still don't see your ads because firefox blocks them for me. Neat!

Now dance, monkey. And work some more for free. I like that!

[randomwalker]

It looks like you've decided to restrict your RSS feed to summaries, possibly in a misguided attempt to make more money off of ads. As others have mentioned, I had no idea you even had ads on your site. I suppose there must be a significant fraction of people out there who still don't have ad blockers.

As for me, while I really really liked your blog, there's so much great content out there that I can read directly in google reader that the barrier of an extra click is too much. You don't seem to realize it, but it's virtually impossible for a single author to generate meaningful ad revenue from a blog given users' current expectations. I think it's much better to try to use the medium to build your brand. (I actually find your blog way funnier than the comic.) But what do I know, I've never made any money off of anything.

So long then, and if you ever start providing full content RSS feeds again I will be happy to subscribe once again.

[Head Cheese]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz>zzzzzzzzzzzzz

[the man in the trout mask]

I close my eyes and imagine that I am only dreaming that I am awake .... then I think "could I be dreaming that I am dreaming and if so,am I actually a figment of my own imagination?" .... so that means that I have imagined myself into existence - but I AM myself,thus I AM Imagination ... I am imagination imagining that I have imagined imagination ......................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz