The Ultimate Response

It will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I sometimes exhibit inappropriate responses in social situations. For example, when I hear about a tragedy, and there is something remotely funny about the event, that’s the part that gets my attention. If a guy dressed in a bunny outfit kills a forest ranger, I can’t focus on the tragedy part. In that sort of situation, I would probably let out an involuntary snort before noticing no one else is laughing. I’d try to play it off as a cough, but no one would buy it.

My biggest social problem, by far, is a habit of revealing my opinion with my first reaction, before I realize I should be keeping that opinion to myself. Some husbands, when asked a question by their wives, use the time-honored “What do YOU think, dear?” But wives don’t like that approach. It seems condescending. Worse yet, it does not leave you vulnerable to having the wrong opinion, so it has a killjoy element.

Last night, by accident, I discovered The Ultimate Response to topics in which you don’t yet know the right response. It happened when I was simultaneously brushing my teeth, and yawning, and responding to my wife. It came out something like this: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

My wife stopped, and looked at me, and said, “What does that reaction mean?”

Bingo. I had accidentally discovered a response that has neither a positive nor a negative connotation. For the rest of the evening, I used it for all of my responses, to great effect.

Shelly: “Do you want to watch 30 Rock?”

Me: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

Shelly: “I’d like to watch it.”

Me: “Hey, me too!”

Feel free to try my new noise at home, or in the office. You might have to practice until it has no trace of negative or positive vibe. Be careful not to go up in pitch toward the end, because that can be construed as optimism.

You’re welcome.

Comments

[Austin]

If I've done something, that somebody else wouldn't be proud of, and they ask "What did you do!?" I normally respond with:
"I did af.hs..ad.a. okay?"
It sometimes receives a "What?"
But then I just walk away.
It rarely works, but it IS fun.

[Daniel]

The first time I heard about what was happening at Abu Ghraib, it was in a class on International Humanitarian Law on the morning that it was published in the press that the prisoners were being forced to pose naked in human pyramid form for a photo by one of the guards.

Clearly it is horrible that it actually happened.

But I couldn't get the image out of my head that it seemed like a "Big Brother" challenge gone wrong.

I got a LOT of dirty looks at my unsuppressable snort.

[Derek]

My ultimate response for everything is: "The last time I checked, this was America!"

It's perfect not only for all those nagging wife questions, but for her little chore commands, or even political questions from strangers.

The next time someone says something to you that you don't really care for, just say "The last time I checked, this was America!" and casually walk away.

[John]

Wife: My grandfather died.
...I didn't know how else to react, it just came out...
Me: Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.

I am sleeping on the floor now... (My wife says I'm not aloud to sleep on the couch)

http://awritersblock.com

[rd]

abc was me, rd
a crappy conspirator i am

[abc]

Thank you Rita Mae, you are a great Grandma
and you like me!
that forum seems ok, interesting conversations, just my limited english does not allow me to participate fully yet
comments get posted instantly and people talk to each other in real-time so it's kinda addict(ive?)ing
i'll survive :)

[Lulu]

Sounds like you have Asperger's Syndrome.

[EdOF]

Wives send husbands back to dress with the usual comment "Are you going to wear THAT?!" Usually takes a time or two for the husband to put on the right outfit.

So now the husband has demonstrated a complete lack of taste (in his wife's view at least) in clothing.

So now what does the wife ask the idiot husband?
"How do I look?"

Pretty much drives me crazy.

[Duncan]

There is a book "Fuzzify" that says a well articulated mumble can save you every time.

[SJA]

Better to Flog a Dead Horse
Than a live Lion

your sound doesn't work when the first thing I hear is "are you listening to me?"... but I may try it instead of "What?" or "yes!, What?"....

[rita mae]

RD writes: [.......so i was trying to socialize on other internet forums and those people are cruel
they called me inane, inarticulate, annoying, trying to be enigmatically cute, not adding value, silly teenager
and i thought you are so patient and kind to bear my inane comments for so long
thank you, you are a great Sensei
and i'll try to not silly irritate you without need :) ]

Hey, RD. It's me, Rita Mae. The person that a couple people said they hated. I still can't figure out why, but Scott lets me post here anyway. I agree. Scott is a great Sensei. Keep the faith. When others said they hated me, there were posters who told me to not pay attention. So I tell you the same thing. The only difference being --- I think you should blow off those other blogs and just post here. We like you, and who needs negative vibes from another post?

RD -- if you ARE a teenager, welcome to the world of nasty adult criticism. Get used to it, sweetie, cause it don't get any better. BWAHAHAHAHA

Rita Mae (She Who Loves Everyone -- Some A Little More Than Others)

[Mark]

[After fifteen years of marriage I have resorted to flatly refusing to answer.

Wife: "How do I look?"

Me: "I'm not telling you. Go look in a mirror."

The only safe answer is no answer at all.

Posted by: Marty]

How about:

Wife: "How do I look?"
Me: "Like I want to rip your clothes off"

Which works even if you don't like the outfit.

[Patricia M]

It's been some time since I post a comment. I used to when I had really liked that day's post or felt had something to contribute.

This is the first time I write to complain.

I just really don't like this new system where you don't blog everyday, Scott. I understand the reasons, but really dislike it.

:(

Am I the only one?

[PMB]

supercalafragalisticexpialladocious

[AJ]

i have found an even better way to get out of a conversation you dont want to be in because you dont care you just say you arent bothered to this issue but you follow it up with a constant stream of anything how your day was something that you heard anything so that she doesn't really get a chance to talk eventually you wind down and i guaranty after 10 mins of it she will nod politely and go off to do whatever she was going to anyway

caution this doesn't work if shes mad and having a go at you because she wont listen to a word you say and just wait for breath and stat screaming again getting more wound up thats she has had to wait this long to punish you

[Sascha]

Nice posting, but the idea is not really original.

I remember a Simpsons episode. I believe it went like this (someone correct me if I am wrong):

Homer looses the love of his daughter, Lisa. To regain it, he decides to buy her a pony.

In bed, Marge, Homer's wife - upset - asks him if he's really foolish enough to buy a pony.

The answer is pretty much like "Ooo-aah-mumble-agh", at least along these lines.

So the honor of inventing the ultimate, universal noncommital response goes to Homer Simpson.

[anon coward]

whats wrong with today's comic ? geez
(dec 17 2007)

[Workerant2]

You are being asked for your opinion purely so she can disagree with you whatever side you pick. ALL women do this ALL the time.

[Martin]

You all know the situation: You come home, are greeted by your wife with the words: "Do you notice anything, honey?" Frantically, we start to think. New shoes, new dress, new haircut, redecorated room? Whatever you answer carries the major risk of being wrong. So, the only answer which is always appreciated is "Did you loose weight, honey?" Try it, it works wonders (unless used too often)

[twounicycles]

My wife always asks my opinion on what she is wearing, then wears something different to what I say. I asked why she asks me my opinion on fashion issues when she usually tells me to change my (carefully chosen) shirt whenever we are going out and she said it's because she wants to dress in a way that pleases me. I said she was a liar because she never *does* wear black stockings, fm shoes and mini-skirts. This does not make me a bad person. Anyway no-one will read this because it's on yesterdays blog.

[neopolitan]

I would have thought the most correct response to any question from a female lifepartner would be that which is blatantly wrong. This saves said female lifepartner from undue effort when finding fault with the response and constructing an argument which clearly proves that the male lifepartner is a hopeless waste of space. An example:

Her: Which dress should I wear tonight?

Him: Potato sack.

Her: You don't mean that eco-friendly dress made enitrely from recycled potato sacks? You utter moron, that dress is disgusting! It scratches, and it seems deliberately designed to make me look fat. I will never understand why you bought it for me, the one time you ever bought me a dress, the one time you think about the environment. A total waste of five dollars. Hmmm. I am going to wear the black Armani. What shoes do you think?

Him: Orange.

Her: The orange shoes with green pink dots? Another hopeless purchase. How did you ever get it into you head to buy me clogs! Sheesh, men are hopeless. I think I will wear, ah, I think the Prada - the black ones - they work with anything. Hm, look at that, I've only got my suspenders and these high heels on ... let's make wild passionate love, you sexy beast.

Compare this with:

Her: Which dress should I wear tonight?

Him: I think the Armani black dress cut slightly above the knee with the shoulder straps and a low cut back that you bought about six weeks ago would most appropriate for the event tonight considering the weather, the seasons, the prevailing fashion trends, the formality of the event and the group of friends that we are going to meet.

Her: You can't be serious? You utter moron, that dress is totally inappropriate! Um, let me think for a second. Ah, the low cut back just won't work, because there might be wasps. I don't know why I ever bother asking you. Hmmm. I am going to wear the black dress that I bought four weeks ago. What shoes do you think?

Him: Well, you know, I think with that black dress, you probably should go with black shoes, and given the dress you've selected, I would have to say the Pradas would certainly work.

Her: The Pradas? are you out of your little mind?! The Pradas with this dress? Are you saying I'm fat? Is that what you mean? Huh? Are you accusing me of being fat? How is that fair? Do I talk about your receding hairline all the time, or your belly, or the hair growing out of your ears? Why do you have to be so mean to me? You don't care about me, you obviously don't love me anymore. This really is the last straw. I am leaving you. I'm going to my my mother's while you pack your things and find some dumpster to live in. But first ... I think I will wear, ah, these other black shoes.

cheers,

neopolitan

[ReadSteve]

I think that, to have the technique work for more than a few days, you'd have to vary the utterances, so that you continued to sound like you were actually trying to say something. You've apparently only been using it for a few days. Let's see how long it lasts.

On a totally different note, I loved Friday's cartoon about Wally's Möbius strip and of task dependency. So, the strip's been modified into a crude structure: http://readsteve.com/WordPress/2007/12/16/wallius-strip/

This may result in a cease-and-desist order from Scott or United Media, so look quickly if you choose to look.

[Thank you for not blogging]

Thank you for not blogging this weekend. Stay off the wagon .. or is it on the wagon?

[Stan]

Ahh, the tricks learned in the first few years of marriage. There is so much you still have to learn grasshopper. But it is fun as you learn those things that others of us found out in our first few years of marriage. Another option is to restate the question as if seeking clarification and you can use their response to determine an appropriate response. You sound like a good listener and it helps set up the response.

Watch out though if they figure it out as they may offer false clues. If the question though is 30 rock or 24, don't hesitate, unless it is season 4 of 24, the answer is 24.

[TallDave]

Dude, you are so whipped. This is just sad.

She should be worrying about what YOU think, not vice-versa.