The Ultimate Response

It will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I sometimes exhibit inappropriate responses in social situations. For example, when I hear about a tragedy, and there is something remotely funny about the event, that’s the part that gets my attention. If a guy dressed in a bunny outfit kills a forest ranger, I can’t focus on the tragedy part. In that sort of situation, I would probably let out an involuntary snort before noticing no one else is laughing. I’d try to play it off as a cough, but no one would buy it.

My biggest social problem, by far, is a habit of revealing my opinion with my first reaction, before I realize I should be keeping that opinion to myself. Some husbands, when asked a question by their wives, use the time-honored “What do YOU think, dear?” But wives don’t like that approach. It seems condescending. Worse yet, it does not leave you vulnerable to having the wrong opinion, so it has a killjoy element.

Last night, by accident, I discovered The Ultimate Response to topics in which you don’t yet know the right response. It happened when I was simultaneously brushing my teeth, and yawning, and responding to my wife. It came out something like this: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

My wife stopped, and looked at me, and said, “What does that reaction mean?”

Bingo. I had accidentally discovered a response that has neither a positive nor a negative connotation. For the rest of the evening, I used it for all of my responses, to great effect.

Shelly: “Do you want to watch 30 Rock?”

Me: “Ooo-aah-mumble-agh.”

Shelly: “I’d like to watch it.”

Me: “Hey, me too!”

Feel free to try my new noise at home, or in the office. You might have to practice until it has no trace of negative or positive vibe. Be careful not to go up in pitch toward the end, because that can be construed as optimism.

You’re welcome.

Comments

[zaki]

Infidel! How dare you insult the holy trinity of oprah,mother therasa and Superman! I bet youre one of those fabled atheists ive been hearing about . I havent seen one of your ancient kind but if i do be forewarned for I WILL BRING ON THE DOOM!
yes , dear ill pick up the kids at lunch
SNAP!
YOU WILL PAY! YOU WILL PAY!

[Paul O]

Tried a neutral response once, years ago, with an absolutely wonderful girl I was seeing at the time.

Didn't work out well at all.

As I recall, she was asking me what vegetable I wanted with dinner, and I really couldn't care less. Made the mistake of saying that I didn't have an opinion - something along the lines of your response.

She expressed her displeasure at my being unable to express an opinion on anything. Which, whenever I relate the story to friends, amazes them because they know me as never shy to share my opinion. On just about anything. Just not something as meaningless as whether beans or peas are better with dinner on a Tuesday night.

Needless to say, she got rid of me out of her life shortly after.

[sunflower]

there is usually so much background noise in my house that all I have to do is pretend I didn't hear. Gives me a few seconds to come up with the right response. Oh, and as a female, I absolutely hate the nondescript mumble. No sound is more annoying. I never let my children get away with it. (is that why they say they didn't hear me?) Hmmm.

[Shailesh]

Nice observation

~ Shailesh
http://theignorant.blogspot.com

[A.R.Yngve]

I fear this trend has already spread into society.

"If you are elected President, when will you send our troops home from the war?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

"When are you coming to fix the leaky pipe?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

"When are you going to sit down and negotiate with the striking writers?"
"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh."

[jerry w.]

Hmmmmm....

Last reader post published was December 14, 2007 at 09:10 AM,

Now it's December 15, 2007 at 11:40 PM....

Time to step up the excitement, maybe I'll go watch some paint dry.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Macneil]

How about this. Act like you've been reminded about it: "Oh yeah, I was going to ask you about that."

Same thing.

[Madmarleyboro29]

The garbled response, puts you in more jeopardy.

Maybe I'm wrong....but I do know....people have said a lot of things, in the same room as I, that I never picked up upon at all.

I could play it off, as not heard, to begin with.

The garbled response, implies.....(well shoot yourself in the foot), you MAY have been paying attention.

They don't want an answer....not even the 'correct" response.......but attention, is foreplay to a Fiasco.

They want to know...you were listening.

Sound an un-intelligible response......(judges say)....fish is on the bait!

Easier to play old man, with them. pretend to be half-deaf (or more precisely...hearing only what you wish to hear). Keep walking, when questions fly about you. Smile & nod, only to what you deem worth answering. The rest......,:

"Sorry, what did you say?".

If it's something still...you'd rather avoid.....act distracted, like a cat in the windowsill..chattering incoherently, at birds sitting in the feeder just on the other side of the glass.

Like a "yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'm focused right now!". If you're intent enough, they'll find fascination at your intent, and forget about the million & one things, that perplexed them at that moment.

You have to be that beacon of Lighthouse Light. One thing...just one thing. Not a boat floundering in the water. That's them....let them be the Boat.

Just shine on something...not the boat. The Boat will get the clue (ah yes...that's the coastline....things not to get dinged on).

If none of that makes sense......eat that really crunchy cereal, like everyone else said.

[Shri]

Ooo-aah-mumble-agh - once!
Ooo-aah-mumble-agh - twice!!

[D. Mented]

By the way, Rita Mae,
I'm afraid you're a little off on the insurance thing - if it's anything like mine, it would cover ONE baggie, and you'd have to apply for and justify another one for next year (get started on your paperwork early)
(lucky for me I really don't like doctors, because I would feel sad not getting to see any if I did like them)
D. Mented

[Swami X]

When I (living in San Diego) find myself confronted by my wife, children or co-workers with uncomfortable questions or situations, I pause, just for a second, and then reply with a hearty "Hey, how about those Padres?" This phrase completely resets the Universe back to my default preferences of peace and harmony. And it works every damn time.

[Swami X]

When I (living in San Diego) find myself confronted by my wife, children or co-workers with uncomfortable questions or situations, I pause, just for a second, and then reply with a hearty "Hey, how about those Padres?" This phrase completely resets the Universe back to my default preferences of peace and harmony. And it works every damn time...

[Scott (Not Adams)]

Coward. Pick a side, even if you don't really care, and defend it (don't pick a fight, but maintain your position). If you win, your wife will appreciate the strong man she married. If you lose, your wife will appreciate that you can stand up straight and admit defeat without shame. Firmness in purpose suggests firmness somewhere lower.

[Steve]

Funnier than turd
I know my brain works a little slow, but I think I finally thought of something funnier than turd.

When life gives you roadkill, sometimes the best you can do is find a lot of ketchup.

[Dan]

I remember when I used to enjoy your blog because it was interesting.

[mijj]

"Is waterboarding torture?"

"Ooo-aah-mumble-agh"

[thesepretzels]

The only appropriate response to, "Would you like to watch "30 Rock" is "Yes, please!"

[Jim H.]

Hoo-boy, Scott! You better pray Shelly NEVER reads your blog. You will have given away your first semi-decent non-committal social response. She will read you like a "See Spot run" book.

[Nick]

There's a song from the 40s, of course I can't remember who sings it, but they say when you can't think of a response, just say, "ugh-a ugh-a boo, ugh-a boo boo ugh-a." Supposedly it solves all sorts of problems, from avoiding traffic tickets to jumping out airplanes without a parachute.

[Klaus Kaan]

The insight you have gained may appear true only because you haven't realised the real truth. Women tend to make up the rules on the fly and what you accomplished was that you changed your rules on the fly (by accident, but still) and she respects that.
Prediction: This neat little trick will only work untill she changes the rules again.

Your welcome.

[workerant]

Welcome to the world of marriage. You can be wrong in ways you never though possible.

[Elderwife]

My husband has made what we call "the noncommittal grunt-noise" for years. The way I get around it is by asking "either/or" questions, rather than "yes/no" questions. Unless, of course, I don't care what he thinks.

[Scott S]

or you could show some testicular fortitude and have your own oppinions about shows

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[kris]

hmmm...dilbert should try that one sometimes...it would be nice to see him with a functional relationship...some hope for us engineers, if nothing else :D