I just returned from some vacation time near the beach, down the coast from where we live. I’m bad at taking vacations, in every way a person can be bad at an activity.
For example, I never have the right attitude going into a vacation. I am told that the correct thoughts should be something along the lines of “This will be fun!” My thought process involves making a mental list of all the ways I could get killed, while duct taping my credit cards to my torso.
The list of vacation death traps is long. The aquatic possibilities alone are nearly endless, especially near the beach. This week I had a chance to die by boat, rip tide, parasailing, tsunami, and dolphin. And those are just the quick options.
I opted for the slow but certain death of sun exposure. My skin is just thick enough to keep my organs from forming a pile around my ankles. It can’t handle much sun. I had so much sunscreen on that all I needed was a tiny model of a bride and groom on my head and I would have looked like a wedding cake. But I still kept checking my pulse to see if the sun had killed me yet. It was nearly 80 degrees on the beach, and about 120 degrees inside my hard shell of sun screen.
And don’t get me started about the sand. Some beaches have soft sand that feels delightful between your toes. This particular beach was made entirely of clam shells and ground glass. Normally, the hardest thing I do with my feet is pet the cat when I’m too lazy to bend over. Half way across this beach I was willing to give up the location of Osama Bin Laden. By three-quarters of the way, I was willing to join him.
The hotel where we stayed was “all inclusive.” That means you can eat at the buffet almost all day long and pay nothing extra. If you have not experienced a buffet at an all-inclusive resort filled with hungry Americans, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a table filled with a wide variety of delicious foods. That’s what I was doing too – imagining it – because by the time I reached for anything, some porker from Kansas snatched it away and had it half pooped before my brain could register it was gone. I have fond memories of the food I almost got to touch.
By the third day, I loosened up enough to have a great time. And I discovered that if you hung out on the beach with the stray dogs, directly beneath the buffet area, people would sometimes throw you French fries just to watch you act happy. As soon as my bites heal, I plan to generate some excellent false memories of the food in Mexico.
Otro buen sitio de Vacaciones es www.vacation.im saludos a todos los amantes de los viajes.
Posted by: Vacation | March 23, 2008 at 05:18 PM
Scott - you're AWESOME - I love your writing.
Posted by: Sheetal | January 20, 2008 at 03:01 AM
Be grateful that you didn't get violently ill. I went to Cabo for the first time last winter and spent an afternoon and entire night throwing up. So did my relatives. I asked around and discovered this was a common occurrence. There was tons of immodium whatever in the gift shop. Why do people go to Mexico? They don't clean the doodies off their food.
Posted by: Stephanie | January 18, 2008 at 07:12 PM
Some of us hate changes or routine, but sooner or later we appretiate them.
Totally off topic but I was wondering... why you haven't say anything about the writer's strike? Don't you feel you might be a victim too?
Posted by: Patton | January 13, 2008 at 09:31 AM
That's why we went to Cuba. Hardly any Americans there, at least on the north coast.
Personal-experience travel tip: eight margaritas in an afternoon is at least one too many.
Posted by: Leora | January 11, 2008 at 02:36 PM
All my good memories of food in Mexico are false - but I never made it south of Ensenada so maybe it gets better the further south you go? Lucky for me, there's excellent authentic Mexican food available all over the place here.
And when I want the beautiful beach vacation, I go to Hawaii. Soft sand, warm clean ocean, gorgeous scenery, lovely people, and I've never had food snatched off my plate there. (Even though I was with family!) Plus, I'm pretty sure Hawaii has internet access. LOL.
Posted by: Real Live Girl | January 10, 2008 at 08:56 AM
I can recommend the all-inc "Palace" resorts on the Yucatan peninsula. Although they had lots of spherical americans, the food was less buffet and more a la carte (but still included) and at the Spa palace they had more restaurants than we needed in one hotel complex.
I have a great attitude when going on holiday because it always takes me by surprise, even when I've planned the holiday: I don't look forward to anything while working as a) work causes tunnel vision in men and b) I'm a depressing bastard. This means I don't really emotionally "see" a holiday coming up at all: so basically I only realise I've got 2 weeks of fun happening when I get on the plane. This is an excellent strategy as it keeps you more realistic while working ("life is shit") but makes you ecstatically happy while on holiday ("woohoo!").
All I need to do now is find a job which pays well and feels more like a holiday. If only music paid better...
Posted by: Andy Watt | January 10, 2008 at 01:10 AM
Loaded people are usually loaded for a reason...they know how to manage their money and live well below their means. The majority of wealthier people never lease a car for instance, because they know a new car is a waste of money. I am guessing you would like a new car, A.C. I wouldn't have said anything but you called S.A. a "prick" and I don't like that kind of language young man ;)
Posted by: hollywood_nun@yahoo.com | January 09, 2008 at 06:35 PM
Tried that type of holiday over the years. Became a tortoise instead and bought a Motorhome (RV to you in the US). Now home can be on the beach, in the country or the middle of town whilst we enjoy the local culture in the UK and Europe.
Maybe you should give it a try, I'll bet most sites have wireless internet access in the states! You on the laptop and shelley and kids in the pool/sun - sound like your sort of "break"?
Posted by: BJUK | January 09, 2008 at 08:32 AM
Dude, that wasn't Mexico...
Posted by: JEQP | January 09, 2008 at 06:00 AM
I thought you were loaded. Loaded people dont' do all inclusive vacations unless you are just a cheap prick.
Posted by: Andy Coulter | January 08, 2008 at 04:20 PM
Go to some nice tropical place with good snorkelling near the beach. Some of the Fijian islands are like that. There may be others near you. Then, for sun protection wear a lycra suit as buyable in most good dive shops. You can get good ones that include a hood. Get dive gloves, dive boots and a decent mask and your total skin exposure is only about 3 square inches. Block that out with zinc cream, and you're all set for a great day. Kids love it. Anyone who comments on it looking wussy, you say you wear it in the water diving or snorkelling; noone calls divers wussy. (Choose a good color like blue.)
If you're in a colder area, get a 1 millimetre sports suit.
Posted by: Chris Hulley | January 08, 2008 at 02:01 PM
I'll be driving down to Lake Atitlan later this month. It's the world's most beaut
Posted by: Sondra | January 08, 2008 at 10:20 AM
"I just returned from some vacation time near the beach, down the coast from where we live."
Don't you live in Pleasanton, and the beach is in Mexico?
Yes, that's just a wee bit "down the coast"... :-)
Posted by: Rich T. | January 08, 2008 at 09:52 AM
vintage adams! thanks scott!
Posted by: Dawn | January 08, 2008 at 09:20 AM
None of the politicians believe what I believe. And being Methodist is potentially as afterlife threatening as being Muslim. They're both wrong, no matter how many times you pray on a rug or under the desk.
Posted by: HMCIV | January 08, 2008 at 07:27 AM
Definitely the right attitudes for vacation: it helps you appreciate home!
Posted by: Lia | January 08, 2008 at 05:46 AM
We spend 95% of the year working like dogs, to buy a nice house and fill it with nice things - that we have no time to enjoy as we're working so hard.
Then, when we get some time off, we choose to leave our hard-earned house and toys behind, and go somewhere where we pay twice for accomodation (mortgage still running, remember!), where everything is expensive, and deliberately remove access from all but the suitcases full of stuff we've brought with us.
We pay for invonvenience, basically! Clearest evidence we have no free will I ever saw.....
Posted by: Anfauglir | January 08, 2008 at 04:48 AM
I just read that you're willing to join Bin Laden.
The police are on their way.
Posted by: Carlbert | January 08, 2008 at 03:00 AM
"All Inclusive" holidays are only of real value to people who don't get hangovers. I have taken one of these holidays and spent one night trying to get my money worth of alcohol and the next two days recovering - it wasn't worth it.
I hate the Christmas Holidays more than Summer Holidays. I spent the first half of Christmas day with my wife screaming at me to get out of the kitchen and the second half of the day with her screaming at me that she "could use some help". I thought it was meant to be a nice day...
Posted by: twounicycles | January 08, 2008 at 01:54 AM
Forget Mexico, if you are going to mentally transform your holiday you should also throw in a beautiful deserted island and several scantily clad women waving you with palm fronds and rubbing coconut oil into you with their breasts.
You can't beat that.
http://ramblingsofanofficeworker.blogspot.com
Posted by: Oli | January 08, 2008 at 01:34 AM
You should have read this
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:Travel_Guide_For_All_Countries
before travelling. It would have saved you at least the all inclusive frustration. Cheers!
Posted by: NaturalBornKieler | January 08, 2008 at 01:26 AM
It's not the budget that guided you to Meh-he-co... There are so many great and genuine places to go in the world. Especially when the 'merkin-to-aliens-slash-natives ratio is huge-mongous.
Next time, put some dosh/dough/bucks down to enjoy a holiday where you're not competing for food, space or attention.
Now. Some comments.
1. Isn't it funny how some people feel better when they can pick you up on a typo/bad grammar? Sad.
2. @random visitor: who said you were trying to replace Dave Barry - good one. And it wouldn't hurt, you know. Perhaps quality is better than quantity after all?
And finally, some wisdom from a smart man you'll never get to meet: Either do, or don't. But if you do, commit to it. That way those around you get to have a good time, and you, at worst, will have a slightly better bad time.
Peace from the South Pacific, where holidays... ...well, you're a smart man :)
Posted by: belt | January 07, 2008 at 11:58 PM
Great Post Scott!!! Hilarious.
Posted by: Amit | January 07, 2008 at 10:24 PM
Time to head back to Vegas - AFTER the nerds from CES leave!
Posted by: Kevin Kunreuther | January 07, 2008 at 09:58 PM