America’s Favorite Pastime

Yesterday I went to a Giants baseball game. It was Little League Day, so there were about ten thousand young boys running wild in the stands. It was also free bat day, courtesy Bank of America.

I will pause while you digest this concept.

Do you know what happens when you hand an 8-year old boy a new bat, sit him behind the exposed heads of several adults, and ask him to sit patiently for four hours while nothing much happens on the big field in front of him? Do you think he fiddles with that bat?

Apparently Bank of America figured there was some theoretical amount of head injuries that would make the public forget that they lent a trillion of your dollars to hobos.

My memory of the afternoon goes something like this: “TREVOR, PUT DOWN THAT BAT! YOU ALREADY HIT THAT LADY ONCE! I SAID, PUT IT DOWN! I MEAN IT! I WILL NOT TELL YOU FOUR HUNDRED MORE TIMES!” This was followed by the sound of wood making solid contact with skull, cursing, repeat.

My wife took a solid blow to the shoulder. Later, one of the tykes kicked some guy’s beer out of the back seat holder, so we sat in a puddle of beer, while the sun cooked us. I was one pinch of salt from being a recipe.

I tried to use the restroom at the stadium. This is no place for the shy. Unlike most public men’s rooms, where there might be a small privacy shield between urinals, this place was designed to handle high volume, shoulder-to-shoulder peeing. I saw an opening where I could poke my penis between a bearded guy and a guy with a fanny pack, just over the left ear of a Little Leaguer, but before I could make my move, someone filled the slot. I decided I could wait another three or four hours.

Conditions were difficult, but at least the game was exciting well into the first half of the first inning when the Reds scored six runs and put it out of reach. Technically, there was still hope, since many of the Giants have batting averages that round to one hundred, and some are able to catch a fly ball nearly half the time. But yesterday was not their day. There were many boos from the stands. I felt bad for the players until I realized they couldn’t hear the boos over the screams of the bat victims.

I wish someone would invent a device that allowed you to watch sporting events from your home. I think that would be popular.

Comments

[Leora]

Try a hockey game, Scott. Not only is there more action, but there is no sun to burn you, and the only free stuff given out is relatively harmless, like rally towels or sparkly pompoms or Tshirts. The restroom experience is similar, however--must be a pro-sports mandate. Ditto for the food and beer.

God help us all if they ever give out hockey sticks, though! Especially in Montreal...

[Seano]

Maybe Bat Day could become Bat & Ball Day.
A company that produces red cordial could sponsor.

[Andy Coulter]

sports are best viewed on tv or from the skybox

[Matthew Kovich]

This was your straight-up funniest blog in a while.

Favorites included "I was one pinch of salt from being a recipe", the penis joke, and the TV joke.

p.s. I read about you in the Chicago Tribune. You're famous!!

[Rich]

In New York they give the bats away AFTER the game. You left coasters ain't too bright.

[Tanya G]

Hmmm, Brats with Bats. Sounds like a catchy reality TV show. It's sure to beat out "parking wars." I mean c'mon, toddlers are going to take a bat to stuff? Cool.

http://lostandloster.blogspot.com/

[kman]

Scott, next time you go to a game, guzzle down a couple of stadium draft beers, that'll solve your urinal shyness.

[Thomas Borawski]

I really hope that all of you people who are saying they have invented a device to watch sports, it's called television are being sarcastic just as Scott was being. If not, we have a worse problem than kids with baseball bats in a crowded stadium. We have you idiots driving cars on crowded streets.

[mike]

this is why I like minor league games .. its $5 for any seat, $1 for a hotdog (and you can bring your own food .. just not your own booze), and $3 for a beer.

the baseball is just as boring as the pros.

[jerry w.]

My favorite baseball special event is "Break-Wind" day.

It's not listed in advance, but it happens...

Hah, I said "it" happens.

Get it?

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[Dilbert fan]

My guess (comment #2) on the number of people who would say "It's called a television, dummy" was four. As of 5:58am the next day, I was right! (Io, Spoilsport, Pradeep, and Bleeding Obvious) I don't know how many of them were kidding.

[Noumenon]

Other people have probably sent you this link about free will already:

http://www.praxeology.net/blog/2008/04/18/good-science-bad-philosophy/

[FB]

Scott: "I wish someone would invent a device that allowed you to watch sporting events from your home. I think that would be popular."

DF said: "The device already exists. It is called a Television."

Haha! The 'I don't get it'-award 2008 goes to...
Just to make it complete: such a device will never work. When vast numbers of people can watch sporting events, it will attract the attention of advertisers. The clubs will make lots of money, so the players will demand their share. The enormous high salaries will spoil the players and diminish their passion for the game, making it no longer fun to watch.

[BigMal27]

I remember once going to a St. Paul Saints game -- much better, especially in the "No Wave Zone". You start the wave, you get booed. No one wants "the wave" anymore. In beautifully-dingy Energy Park near the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. Compare that to the sterile, empty, Teflon/fiberglass-roofed Metrodome in Minneapolis.

I thought "pastime" was more from "past time" (or "pasttime"), as in tradition -- an activity from a passed time.

[Jocuri]

Your sense of humor is verry good and makes me laugh. Keep up the good work.

[Glenn]

watching a baseball game is like watching a glacier move anyway, so the kids made it a memorable experience... you should be grateful for their efforts to give you more for your money.

[Jess]

or allow people to watch sporting event and if it gets boring have the kids run around on the field hitting the players as they play ball.

[Mike]

When I was a student many years ago, one of the drinks companies had a Pernod and Cider promotion night at the student union. Drinking is legal at 18 over in the UK guys -you are allowed to get drunk legally at the same age at which you can die for your country.

Anyway, the rest-room was ankle deep in vomit by the end of the night. So was most people's bedrooms. I didn't mean to suggest that a bunch of teenagers are mature enough to deal with cut-price Pernod and Cider, or that it is wise to give it to them. Just because it's legal doesn't make it a good idea...

[Emma]

You are a cynic, Scott. :)

[BleedingObvious]

>I wish someone would invent a device that allowed you to watch sporting events from your home. I think that would be popular.

They have you idiot! It's called the TV!

[Paul McGuire]

"One pinch of salt away from being a recipe" - simply brilliant!

[I like Wally]

You think the urinals are bad there. If you go to any Syracuse University sporting events in the Carrier Dome (named after the air conditioning company but the dome is not air conditioned) you don't even get urinals. Instead they have troughs. Talk about a lack of privacy. Your standing elbow to elbow with other guys on either side of you with their junk hanging out. Makes me not want to drink any beverages at the game which is hard to do on warm days with no AC.

[simon]

pmsl ... 10/10 scott

[paul]

simple. combine bat day with taser day.

[Bertram]

I wish someone would invent a device that would make sporting events unneccessary. I think that would be popular. It would save lots of energy, security staff and unearned pride of fans. Let's start with those Olympic Games.