Penis Thefts

In Congo there is a wave of penis thefts.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/080422/15/16ktt.html

Well, add that to the list of reasons for not visiting Congo.

My first reaction to the story was to dismiss it as a bunch of superstitious simpletons caught in a wave of mass hysteria. Then I realized I’ve worked with a few penis shrinking sorcerers myself. I don’t think they do it intentionally. But anyone who can turn a banana into an acorn in five seconds is obviously a witch.

I assume the victims in Congo don’t have access to the Internet. If they did, they’d get hundreds of offers a day for pills that can cure their problem so thoroughly that photographers would try to affix cameras to their heads. Maybe the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation can get those folks together.

This would be a bad time to be a Congo police officer. The first five or six times you have to evaluate the scene of the crime it might seem amusing. After that, you’re just gay. And not impressed.

And what the hell happens when the police dust for prints? The phrase the police inspectors must hear more than any other is “Never mind.”

Comments

[Empirical Poppa]

In the 15th century witch-hunting classic Malleus Malleaficarum, there is a section on how witches can steal a man's genitalia. So apparently the same thing was not unheard of in Germany then.

[Tutu]

Ahhh... so it wasn't my fault, the ex must have been from the Congo!

[Soni]

LOL!!! Invisible penis!!!

[CJ]

Never mind.

[Dwight Schrute]

Banana my ass. Try plantain.

[burt]

i read a similar article. apparently a couple years ago a mob actually lynched 20 people accused of penis sorcery.

burt (congo-avoiding) trub

[tillerman]

Surely the first question the police would ask when confronted with such an alleged crime would be, "Do you have a photo of the missing property, sir?" and/or "Did the missing property have any identification marks or number?"

[tajna]

Scott,
you have waaay to much time on your hands :)

[Jeannette Hector]

Someone shrunk my boobs!

[jerry w.]

There are two dicks (one even named dick) that I'd like to see disappear,

however, prayers don't seem to work as they're still in the white house.

If these prayers violate federal law, I'm just kidding.

Sort of.

http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

[D. Mented]

Before we all start feeling superior to a culture that can produce men that can hear a policeman say "look, your penis is still there, you're alright" and see the thing hanging out like it belonged there, and still not believe it:
The Maleus Maleficorum - used by the church in the systematic prosecution of witches - contained an anecdote about just the same thing.
A man had slept with a witch, and when he woke in the morning, he found his penis was missing. He persuaded her to give it back to him, so she directed him to a tall tree, with a bird's nest at the top. Climbing up, he found a number of penises in the nest, crawling around like worms. She said he could choose any one he wanted, but when he was about to pick a nice big one, she said - from the ground below - not to take that one because it belonged to a priest.
To us, this makes a pretty good joke. If it hadn't been written centuries before Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it would sound a bit like plagiarism. ("She stole my penis!" "Doesn't look like it's missing." "Well, she gave me another one.")
Sadly, to the people of those times, it was justification for torturing, hanging, drowning, or burning anyone accused of witchcraft.
I don't know whether to laugh or to scream.
On the other hand, any charismatic con-artists out there can go to Congo and make a fortune selling penis protector charms...anything from cheap copper bracelets to brightly colored jockstraps would do - it's all in the sales pitch...I wish my parents hadn't made me so honest...Come to think of it - a penis-restoring potion that included a dose of Viagra would also sell quite well.
D. Mented

[RJI]

I'm just wondering if they got a scetch artist involved. Check you milk cartons.

[Victor Prometeo L. Frankenstein]

Hi Scott,
I was terrified by article You mentioned.
Think of the “conservation energy law” (equivalence mass-energy) and You’ll understand my reason for being panicked. Maybe if we wait long enough we’ll be able to see with our eyes who the warlocks are, ‘cause this in not a crime in which the thieves will be able to conceal their identities simply hiding their faces in their hands. Given the nature of the problem, it’s possible that they’ll have in their hands other fishes to fry.

Bye.

V.P.L.F.

P.S. There would be other reasons to be caught by panic, but (…only one t) I prefer to fly over.

[Aditya Simha]

Ha ha! This was hilarious! Penis-thefts, indeed! What'll they accuse us poor witch-doctors of doing next?

[Bill Harting]

A quote from the referenced article

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said."

That is just priceless

[Real Live Girl]

Suspected Penis Snatcher. Now there's something you don't want to see on a resume.

[Sherlock Homie]

With time, the thief will reveal himself. Look for individuals who measure in feet...

[jC from Tn]

News like this will kill their tourist industry.

[bb]

Actually, this might be the work of the spammers.

Once they steal or shrink your penis, I bet you won't ignore their email anymore. In fact you might just email them first.

[Slap D. Monkey]

It's funny to see penis and snatch in a headline and it not be about sex.

Do you think Lorena Bobbit was a penis-snatching sorceress? No. She was probably just a hack.